Skip to main content

tv   wusa 9 News at 11pm  CBS  September 14, 2013 11:00pm-11:35pm EDT

11:00 pm
they cut fourth-string quarterback pat white to make room for potter. speaking of quarterbacks tomorrow, the redskins face one of the game's best in packers q.b. sharron rogers. -- aaron rogers. he's won a super bowl and league m.v.p. title. he's averages 34 touchdown passes over the past five years and thrown for 4,000 yards four times. it will be rg3's first meeting with rogers, a player he respects. >> i appreciate the way he play, how he treats his teammate, the swagger he plays with, all those different things. you look up to those things, but when you're playing him, you're on opposite sidelines, there is no looking up to that. you know, you just got to go play. >> nice use of swagger. college football now. and the terps trying to start a season 3-0 for the first time since 2001. that was a long time ago. back then randy edsall was the head coach of the uconn huskies.
11:01 pm
tonight maryland was at uconn in the house that edsall built. that's what we call full circle. it's first road test of the year for the terps. they trailed in the second quarter until the qosh does this. great option. wonderful option. 41 yards to the house. we're all tied up at seven. another good option, mo, is whenever cj brown decides to show to sophomore sensation stephon diggs, the first -- terps get the win. frank beamer and the hokies on the road at east carolina. third quarter, check down, 10-7. their monster of a quarterback, 6'6", 250, over the middle, touchdown. hokies go on to win 15-10 n. they beat ecu ten of their last 11 meetings. how about the naval academy getting their season off to a bang at home against delaware. first half, how about that, keenan reynolds over the middle to brandon sanders coming right into your living room, 63 yards
11:02 pm
for the score. navy up 23-0. later in the first half, though, delaware, they're going to get on the boardment trent hurly to ryan cobb, 17 yards in the air. mids up 23-7 at the half. in the third, more navy. remember -- reynolds to lynch. 27-yard hookup. reynolds talks about navy. >> we knew coming out today we had chance to go 2-0. we wanted to get out to a fast start. defense played well. giving us a chance to get ahead. ill was a good team win. >> i'm not the smartest guy in the world, but i'm not an idiot. that dude is good. he's good. he's smart. every time he does something, it's like wow. talk about leadership. i don't know if i've ever been around a leader like him. >> another dude is pretty good. how about texas a&m quarterback johnny heisman. johnny football. johnny manziel. sixth-ranked texas a&m taking on top-ranked alabama. aggies led 14-0, but this is alabama. they've won three of the last four national championships. they pick off johnny football
11:03 pm
there. there's a reverse and mo just weaving his way through traffic. is he going to get to the house? oh, you betcha. how about alabama. roll tide, they win 49-42. at this stage of the baseball season, a season every game feels like a do-or-die scenario for the nats. tonight coming into play, they trailed cincinnati by five games with 15 to go in the wild card race. that means there's not a lot of room for error these days. they trailed 5-1. now 5-2 in the seventh trying to rally brice harper. that's a broken bat with two runners on. it's going to drop. ryan zimmerman from virginia beach. he scores. the ball gets away. brice hubbard. and we're rallying. down just 5-4. bottom nine, two on, two out, wilson ramos to buffalo. oh, lines out the jimmy rawlins. picks it. it's over. nats lose 5-4. they now trail by 5.5 games. nats lose 5-4. they now trail by 5.5 games. how about
11:04 pm
11:05 pm
11:06 pm
11:07 pm
11:08 pm
boy: one day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe. that was the day he became axe cop! so he had tryouts and hired a partner.
11:09 pm
axe cop: i will chop your heads off! radio: this is rockin' robin on your 8-0 dial, music for parking in the dark while in rock creek park. seriously, we're out of gas. so, uh, what do you want to do now? - ( leaves rustle ) - wait, what the-- - ( screams ) - ( horn honking ) you just chopped my girlfriend's head off! she was on my list of all bad guys. - see? - okay, wait wait wait. her real name was poison poison? and her power was poison punches? - ( honking continues ) - wow. thanks, axe cop. that's why i spy on people. axe cop, this is flute cop, do you read me? come in. over. i'm sorry to bother you, but, uh, do you know how i've been saving my money to get $100? well, guess what? i did it! yeah. so i was thinking of taking anita on a little romantic getaway for our anniversary. so... could you possibly babysit uni-baby for us? how much are you going to pay me?
11:10 pm
uh, i can pay you $15. i'll be right there. ( shouts ) - ( dog barks ) - anita: flute cop's taking me to hawaii. - isn't he romantic? - how would i know? i mean, can you think of a better place to go on vacation? - yes. - uh, so the baby food is in the fridge and the fresh diapers are in the dresser. oh, and don't mess with uni-baby's horn, - um, as it holds great power. - ( uni-baby giggles ) - okay, see you in a couple days. - okay, see you later. bye-bye, little uni-baby. mommy wuv you. and don't mess with uni-baby's horn. it holds great power. ( sniffs ) gross! - she already pooped. - ( coos ) i'm not feeding you any more food. you poop too much. from now on you just get one small meal a day. ( chimes ) - ( high-pitched voice ) what the heck?! - ( baby laughs ) - ( chimes ) - you know what? i don't like you. i'm gonna hide this - until your parents come home. - ( crying ) babies are so dumb. ( groans ) - ( beeps, line rings ) - sockarang on the telephone!
11:11 pm
sockarang, i'm at flute cop's house babysitting. oooh, i love babies! i'll be right there. aw, man. flute cop has the best snacks. so, ugh, where's the, uh, where's the baby? i locked her in the closet because she poops and cries too much. - oop, smart. - now let's look around the house and see if there's anything cool to play with. - ( rustling ) - hey, sockarang, look what i drew. i call it magic world. - we should go there! - i know. - but how? - with... this! great! let's go to magic world! - oh wait, what about uni-baby? - she won't die. - she ate a small meal. - we can't just leave her here alone. no, but we can create cyborg versions of ourselves - to watch over her. - ( chimes ) ( stomps ) i programmed the cyborgs to watch uni-baby - and to punch her if she cries. - ( crying ) - ( smacking ) - see? when i have a baby, you're babysitting.
11:12 pm
not unless you have $15, i'm not. - axe cop magic world! - ( chimes ) ( dramatic music playing ) magic world is so magical i could cry. not me, i never cry. intruders! freeze, magic police! run! - ( gunshot ) - ( howls ) - ( grunts ) - ( gunshots ) ( cocks ) ( panting ) we lost 'em.m. of course we did. the magic police are the slowest police. oh... my... gosh. - look! - the big magic show is about to start. - let's go watch! - i've got a better idea. - ah! - ( chimes ) - ( applause, cheers ) - sockarang: cool!
11:13 pm
ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed at our amazing magic show! this is ridiculous. where are their wands? and now for our first trick... - ( rips ) - ( audience gasps ) boo-ooo. they tore our historic tent! maza lapapell babalel laba lell sabba sell! - ( chiming ) - make that hole filly well! - ( cheers ) - oh, see, now that's what i expect-- - the unexpected. - and now for our final trick! ( squeaks ) baba-shalell, make $100 - appear in every hand. - ( poofs ) - ( gasps ) - how did they do that? i'm saying that rhetorically. i don't want to know. - i love magic. - now for our other final trick: a thousand-pousand- papa-pa-pa-pow! ( poofs ) - this is an outrage. - ( booing ) now they're richer than we are. - we win! - you lose. ha ha!
11:14 pm
( panting ) ladies and gentlemen, these are fake magicians! let's kill them! - and good night. - ( chimes ) ha ha ha ha! what should we do with all this money? buy something that makes something invisible. yeah, that's a great idea. i know a guy-- ( stammers ) wa-wa-wait, i see something i want. awesome! i chubby wubby you! ha ha ha ha! chubby doll is the best. - yes, he is. - flute cop: come in, axe cop. axe cop, i just wanted to check in on uni-baby. ( whispers ) i'm trying, just give me a second. because you're judging me. you don't have to say anything. it's that look. - ( growls ) - axe cop-- ( beeps ) hey, i think we should go back home and check on uni-baby. no. send chubby doll back. that way we can stay here in magic world and have even more fun. ( uni-baby crying ) i'm going to blow this baby's head off! - do it! - what the heck?! axe cop, the computer brains of those cyborgs have turned evil! they're gonna kill the baby!
11:15 pm
come on, let's go save the baby. no, i don't want to! we're not done having fun yet. ( pants ) you are under arrest. abra-ca-handcuffs. fine, we'll go check on uni-baby. ( chimes ) ahh, isn't this great? so-ooo great. yeah. it's amazing what $100 can buy you, or $100 minus $15. so $85. oh look, coconuts! - watch this. - ( playing tune ) - it's so beautiful. - oh man, i love you. uh, honey, can't we just try axe cop again? see how uni-baby is doing? i'm sure... ( kissing ) she's fine. she's with axe cop. what could
11:16 pm
possibly happen? ( explosion, gunfire ) - ( phone ringing ) - hyah! - ( ringing ) - hyah! ( sobs ) ahhh, stockarang! ( yelps ) ( groans ) what do you want, flute cop?! i'm babysitting. ( whispers ) it's flute cop. yes, she's fine. okay, we will. bye. flute cop said we should take uni-baby to the park. - ( coos ) - i hate babysitting. - ( door opens, closes ) - ( electricity zaps ) are you thinking what i'm thinking? - we should rob a bank? - yes. - ( uni-baby crying ) - ( axe cop growls ) why won't uni-baby stop crying? it's so annoying. well, she's probably hungry. we haven't fed her all day. too bad. i don't want her pooping. - oh ho ho, i hear that. - man: axe cop, axe cop, come in. this is the chief of the normal police. ( whispering ) it's the chief of the normal police.
11:17 pm
what do you want? why are you and sockarang robbing a bank? - hmmmm? - what are you talking about? - we're not robbing a bank. - ( explosion ) - but i think i know who is. - ( alarm ringing ) - ( crashing ) - we are rich now! let's go buy more guns to rob more banks. yes! c'mon, axe cop, let's go get em'! i'll chop your head-- oh no. - i left my axe at the house. - what-- what are we gonna do? - ( wailing ) - quiet, baby! this is no time for eating or pooping! shhh, she's trying to tell us something. this hole in the stroller, it's a cannon. but there's no trigger. there's no trigger! because it's a poop cannon. it's controlled by pooping. - oh, we gotta feed her! aha ha! - ugh, fine. eat, uni-baby, eat! ( whirring ) - ( dings ) - hey, cyborgs! look at this present we got you!
11:18 pm
i love presents. the baby saved the day! - i chubby wubby you! - ( coos ) so, axe cop, do you still think babies are dumb? of course i do. flute cop: aloha! we're back. oh my gosh, we had such an amazing time. this volcano was about to erupt and everyone was like "we're going to die," but flute cop used his flute to charm the volcano. - ( cooing ) - let's just say it'll never erupt again. did you miss daddy? did you miss daddy? yes, you did. say da-ddy! - can you say da-ddy? - axe cop. yeah, she said daddy! we all heard it. i heard it-- daddy. the sound in here is weird. that'll be $15. - ( theme music playing ) - ( flash popping )
11:19 pm
( beeps ) ♪ did you know? did you know? ♪ with me, thinky the owl! - hey, owl, what do you know? did you know that thanksgiving comes 15 minutes earlier every year? i didn't know that. also, i don't see how that's true. - who knew? - hey, owl, what do you know? september is the 49th state. - okay, this owl is sick. - hey, owl, what do you know? did you know that you can't talk to a horse... unless it's married to a carrot? - we think he's sick. - who... knew...? don't look at a potato. my cousin is from french.
11:20 pm
- let's get out of here. - don't go! i have one last thing to tell you. did you know - i loved you? - kids: aww. also, the earth is a big sandwich. - owl! - ♪ did you know? with thinky the owl. that's him! ( squelches ) all right, gang. the sats are right around the corner. - ( groans ) - but before we take those sats, we need to take the practice sats. - oh! - but before we take the practice sats, we need to take the rehearsal practice sats. and gang, it's no secret how stressful these tests can be. so let's prepare for all that anxiety. now do this with me. tighten up those necks and shoulders. - ( students grunting ) - good. now start nervously shading in those circles.
11:21 pm
( gasps ) - ( gulps ) - mm. hey, amber. is that an appetite suppressant? - they look delicious. - no. it's adderall. - really? - it helps me concentrate. my parents have had me on it since i was a baby who couldn't concentrate on not crying. - nifty. - uh-oh. your mind's going blank. you're no good. your future's bleak. you got nothing. nothing! ♪ well i can't wait till i get old ♪ ♪ and my memories start to unfold ♪ ♪ about high school usa ♪ these are the good old days ♪ ♪ my obituary will relay ♪ all my fun times here at high school usa. ♪ - ( bell rings ) - hey, brad. how do you think you did on the rehearsal practice sats? i did awesome. i sat next to the brainy nerdy girl and copied all of her nervous ticks. - ( groans ) - what about you, blackstein? terrible. i was way too concerned about being worried to even focus on being nervous. you better shape up, or you're never getting into college. how, gang. is anyone in the mood for some maize?
11:22 pm
where have you been, cassandra? you missed the rehearsal practice test. eh. i don't need to worry about learning anymore. how do you figure that? i just found out i'm one-fifth cherokee indian. and if you're native american, colleges have to take you. it's the law. but aren't you like 100% chinese? oh, brad. that's just on my parents' side. you're so lucky. why weren't my people slaughtered? oh man. if i don't get into college, i'm gonna end up dead like my uncle jack who never went to college and died of old age. well, if you can't get good grades, blackstein, maybe you can make up for it with extracurriculars. take me for instance. i'm in the singing club, the humming club, the foot tapping club, - you name it! - yeah. we're all in like 100 clubs each. how many clubs are you in? - none. - ( all gasp ) - what? - zero clubs? - oh my. - no. what am i gonna do? poor blackstein. he's doing that thing again where he mindlessly gazes off at nothing in particular. hey, what are you looking at? are you gay or something? because if you are, you should really think about joining my club. the gay club.
11:23 pm
call me sometime if you want to talk about how gay you really are. but i don't have your number. - just texted you. - ( phone dings ) oh my god oh my god oh my god. i cannot believe nico ninja just talked to you! oh, he's the biggest fashionably awesome guy at high school usa. this is great. i'm college bound. there's just one problem, blackstein. - what? - you're not gay. well, not yet, i'm not. but how hard can it be? mom, what happened to my white dress shirt? you know how we feel about separating colors in this house, lamort. yeah. go wash up for dinner. your mother barbecued some lox and gefilted some chitlins. sorry, dad. i have a date. shouldn't you be studying instead of hanging out - with some girl? - actually, dad, i'm going out with a boy. and he's asking me to be in the gay club. the gay club? isn't that a gay club? - yep. - ( crying ) so proud of you. you're gonna have every college in town fighting over you. hello, ivy league usa. here. take my gayest credit card.
11:24 pm
thank you. mm. this frozen sushi is so good. i wish i could eat it with my butt. that's how gay i am. i thought i had my finger on all the sexual preferences of the kids in high school usa, but i didn't know you were one of us. but i am. see, i can't help but say "butt." yeah, and you do have that pink shirt on which is really cute, by the way. where'd you get it? integration nation on main street? i love that store. hey, what are you looking at? oh, just that girl's style. mm-hmm. well, that is pretty gay. but it looked to me like you were checking out (bleep)_ no way. boobs are the grossest. well, all right. but you'd better not be lying to me. - 'cause if you're not gay... - ( knuckles crack ) i'm gonna kill you. guys, you've got to help me. nico says if i don't stop looking at girls, he's gonna kill me. um, sounds like you just need to concentrate harder - on being gay? - amber!
11:25 pm
why don't you give blackstein some of your adderall? that would help him focus. not a chance. adderall? you take pills to help you be gay, amber? no, you idiot. it helps me focus on school things. this is all i have left, and i need them if i want to get into college. come on, amber. you gotta help him. he's one of the gang, remember? ( groans ) okay, fine. but just this one. ( gulps ) mmm. so how long does it take this adderall to work? oh! homosexuality, here i come. i thought blackstein was just some straight idiot, but i guess he's been gay all along. i know. he's so dreamy now that he's gay. i wish he was straight so his gay penis could penetrate me. who does he think he is, prancing around with all those gay guys? - dressed so well. - i know. you did a really nice thing for blackstein. you should feel really good about yourself. well, i don't. explain that, marsh.
11:26 pm
now i have to go study. some of us have to actually work hard to get into college. tell me about it. do you know how hard it is to actually scalp someone? it's not like it is in the movies. you really bent over frontwards to prove yourself last night. so, good news. we're gonna make you a member of the gay club. this is awesome. i can't wait to tell my parents. be at dante's leather gear and waxing boutique tonight for the initiation. and wear your smallest socks. hey, those girls aren't dressed fashionably. why are you looking at them? i was just noticing how bland their outfits are. it's like watching a train wreck. okay. but from now on, the only train wrecks i want you watching are the ones where hundreds of innocent people die. see you at eight. don't be late. - ( doorbell rings ) - hey, mrs. lamber. - is amber home? - yeah. i'm on the phone with her right now. - want to talk to her? - oh, no, i'll just go upstairs and see her in person. so old school. while you're at it, why don't you go pick up some vinyl records and read a newspaper?
11:27 pm
j.k. rowling! j.k. squared. ( laughs ) anyway, i was thinking we should get matching tattoos. that sounds a little holocausty, mom, but i like it! ugh, got to go. blackstein's here. i thought you'd be with your boyfriends, gaying your way into harvard by now. amber, i need more adderall stat. too bad, blackstein. i only have one left, and i need it to focus on tomorrow's test. and frankly, i have very mixed emotions about helping you out at my own expense. but tonight i'm supposed to be initiated into the gay club. i'm sorry, blackstein. you're just going to have to cram. that works for studying and gay sex. - ( bell dings ) - hey, blackstein. hold up. i heard you talking to my sister. i got a (bleep) ton of adderall. really? how?ow? i thought they were impossible to get? well, i can't take mine because i can't drink when i'm on it. yeah, i can see that. so every time my mom gives me one, i just hide it under my tongue. see? - aah. - uh, gross.
11:28 pm
why don't you just swallow them then fish them out of your b.m. later? ( sighs ) so do you want to buy it or not? mm-hmm. - ( spits ) - ( gulps ) ( siren wailing ) sorry, son. buying pills from a minor is a felony. but i needed those pills to get me into the cool gay club. boy oh boy. when i was your age, there was nothing cool - about being gay. - really? ( chuckles ) you betcha. gay used to be something you felt in your front or in your back. and it felt right and wrong at the same time. and you bet your gay ass we were embarrassed as hell about it the next day. i guess being gay isn't all wry quips and singing. oh, it's that too. if you're man enough to be that gay. but i'll tell you what gay isn't. something you just fake to be cool and to get into college. officer dumphy? the gang is here. - thanks, hot cop. - hey, blackstein. we pooled together all of our parents' credit cards
11:29 pm
- to bail you out. - thanks, gang. and thanks for setting me straight, officer dumphy. - hey, nico. - there you are. now get up here and get on your knees. we'll do you first. good luck, blackstein. we're gonna go now because we don't want to see this. no, guys. i want you to see this. lamort blackstein, i hereby initiate you into the gay club. wait, nico. i have something to tell you. me too, baby. - you do? - i have full blown... balloons for your after party! i'm sorry, but those won't be necessary. because i'm not gay. oh my god. why is he doing what he's doing? that moron's throwing away his future. quiet, guys. i have a sneaking suspicion we're about to be really proud of what blackstein's about to say. nico, i finally realized that pretending to be gay disrespects all of you gay guys.
11:30 pm
and all your gay parents, and all your gay parents' gay parents. just posing as a gay guy trivializes your entire gay ancestry, and all of their gay suffering. ( scoffs ) gay suffering? try sleeping under a smallpox blanket. ( coughs ) cover your mouth, cassandra. your breath smells like a casino. the truth is, i really like boobs a lot. that's just who i am. all right, for being honest, last night, deep down inside me, you felt not gay. and when our lips met, i knew that the only thing you were really kissing was college goodbye. well, gang. if i can't get into college then i guess i'll just have to skip it and go right to being a doctor. well, blackstein may not be gay-- but he is an idiot. our idiot. guys... i think the peyote's kicking in. hello, goodbye.
11:31 pm
11:32 pm
11:33 pm
11:34 pm
( beeps ) ( speaking with heavy accent )


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on