tv Right This Minute CBS October 1, 2013 1:35am-2:04am EDT
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♪ craig: all right. welcome back, everybody. welcome back. my first guest tonight is a fantastic actor who stars in "the big bang theory" thursday nights at 8:00 on cbs. take a look at this. >> wow, you're really good at puzzles. >> did them all the time as a kid. as my mom used to say, when you're doing a puzzle, it is like have said having a thousand friends. she was full of fun lies like that. >> if it makes you feel any better, my mother is just full of pound cake. >> sorry you got stuck with me. i bet you wanted to be with bernadette. >> have you ever played a game with bernadette? >> no. >> have you ever gone into a steal cage with a wolverine? >> no. craig: simon helberg, everybody!
[applause] welcome, simon. you look nice. >> thank you. craig: you have got your sweater on. are you cold? >> no. this is why i'm wearing a sweater. craig: it is nice. you look great. and you have got your shoes. >> is that abnormal? craig: no. a lot of people have -- when is the last time you shaved? >> this morning. craig: do you have hair all over? >> wow. i do have some hair in some unusual places, which is -- i have like a reverse happy trail, you know? they call -- a sad trail. craig: some kind of spinal hair?
>> yes. because the happy trail is there because supposedly it leads to a happy place. craig: it depends on your point of view there, i guess. >> it does. i was in college, i was in a class where we -- i took my shirt off. i was in acting school. craig: you took your clowes off in front of people is what you're saying. an "acting" class. a >> a girl came um and said i didn't know you had a tattoo. i felt some fuzz, the day fuzz becomes hair is the day -- craig: you become a man. yeah. >> i think that is in the bible somewhere. craig: might be. >> the day fuzz becomes hair. so i turned around and i did my december -- craig: have you ever had it waxed? >> a lot of guys have told me to do that.
this is going -- some people on my show have seen this. some of the actors. they are like dude, you have got to take care of that. i didn't know it was such a problem. craig: have you ever bend ppeded dover? >> that's when you can see it really clear. [laughter] craig: well, i don't think you should have it waxed. i think it is part of your deal. anyway, you have kids now. kids like an unusual hairy -- >> yeah, they can hang -- craig: what age is your daughter now? >> she is 16 months. craig: that is like a year and four months. >> if you want to get technical. craig: i use the old fashioned sstem. >> how long do you count months? craig: i don't know. i think it is 24. >> until 24 years old? craig: i don't know what the month thing is about. i would say after a year. >> ok. i should probably stop saying
i'm 387. craig: it is too much. with the amount of hair you have got, people can guess. she is walking by now, rigse? >> she is. she is walking. yeah. she is making demands. craig: demands? >> as soon as she wakes up, she wants to" cars" in the morning. craig: actual cars or the movie cars? you'll freak out when you see this. the cars talk and then the other cars come over. it is great. [laughter] >> they can do anything. no, she wants the real deal. craig: she wants to look at real cars? >> yeah. only if they are driving. moving cars are considered dangerous. craig: absolutely for the year and four month old. >> not until 2. craig: not even then. >> i've tried to be responsible about it and hold her when the cars go buy.
craig: that is kind of adorable, though, that she wants to see cars. does she sleep? >> yeah, she is a champ. she sleeps from 6:30 p.m. until 6:30 a.m.. craig: i hate you so much. >> whiskey does wonders. craig: yeah. have you ever taken crystal meth? >> i dabbled. the meth thing. it is why, you know, if you start early enough, you can get braces and reconstructive surgery. craig: i never did it. >> i'm too vain. because the mouth falls apart. right? craig: that is not my real reason for not doing it? >> everything else sounds great about it. >> i like to be able to relax. it gets you zippy. take tonight's studio audience, for example. [applause] so -- tell me about the -- "the
big bang theory" this year. so you get married this season? >> well, i was married last season. craig: that's what i meant. [laughter] >> yeah. so i'm still married. craig: but in real life you're still married? >> all of the above. craig: so you're married in real life and you're fictionally married? it is a bad idea to pretend -- >> you never hear that advice at your wedding. wait until you have that moment when you pretend you're not married. craig: it is all right to pretend you're not married with your wife. if you're both pretending in the same room, it can be like -- >> it is a party. craig: sort of. where is your wife from? >> she is from los angeles. i'm from l.a.. craig: i knew that. i knew. i knew. >> yes. so we are both products of l.a. craig: that's good. where did you meet? >> went to the same high school, but we met after. craig: this is adorable.
>> it is. i went to a house warming party at her house. i didn't know her. i knew her brother. someone turned off the lights and put on "thriller." craig: what kind of mad party is this? >> it is a party for people that can't dance. you turn off the lights and then you're a wonderful, wonderful dancer. that's what i have learned. craig: i have never been to one of those hollywood orgies before. >> i guess that does sound -- craig: it sounds rather innocent and fun. >> we danced to "thriller." i tried to be as moronic and buffoonish as i can. that was my tactic to hit on girls. i only had one tactic and then i married her. it was good. i showed all of my flaws and then we ended up months later talking. i had to work hard.
craig: really? >> i did. i had to convince her. craig: what were your tactics? outside her bedroom window with a boom box? >> i waxed my back first. [applause] they love meth and they hate -- craig: they hit back hair apparently. >> those are two good qualities. i kept showing up. craig: stalking here? >> is that the word? craig: it is actually illegal. >> we met at an orgy party and then i stalked her which is the unromantic way. craig: it sounds rather wholesome to me. >> it worked. it worked. i just kept inviting her to shows. i was doing comedy shows. it took her a while to tind me appealing and i stopped doing comedy after that, performing live. craig: standup comedy?
>> i was doing sketch comedy. again, it was me in horrible outfits. craig: you want to stay away if that. women don't enjoy a sketch comedian. >> it is really about how awful you can make yourself look. i wore overall shirts in the sketch. craig: that actually sounds kind of hot. tom lennon wore those little shorty shorts in "reno 911." he looked really hot. i don't know where i'm going. in the leg department, you betcha. he has got some gams. >> this is a confession. craig: do you do squats? >> i can. do you want me to? craig: are you in therapy? >> i would like to be. [laughter] all right. let's cure the hell out of me right now. please. craig: i think cure is a judgmental word. it applies there is something wrong with you. i don't think there is anything wrong with you.
i think you're a little tough on yourself because of your freakishly hairy back. >> that is true. my mother had a hairy back as well. craig: did she really? >> just -- i didn't want to face my roots. craig: nothing wrong with being hairy. nothing wrong with being hairy. >> you think being a hairy man from only behind is not something i need to get down on myself? craig: it is part of evolution. when you're only hairy in the back, in the olden days back there during the cave man times, people would see you and think you were a tree. >> that's right. so the front has evolved. craig: right. the front is a civilized man -- >> and the back is monkey. glass half full, half empty. a man half hairy. craig: we have to go to commercial break because i think sponsors are going to be
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[applause] craig: welcome back, everybody. you wouldn't believe -- i've just been talking to simon about what happened with his girlfriend who is now his wife, about what happened when you were courting her. you chased her to paris? >> i did. this is more and more painting me as a stalk . craig: it is entertaining the hell out of me. so she went to paris to escape you? >> you could look at it that way, as a clinical psychologist, i would hope you have my back more. craig: too hairy. so swhept to paris to forget about her doomed romons with you? >> i think to flee me.
craig: and then you followed her? >> i followed her. i made a mistake. i broke up with her and realized it was a horrible mistake immediately after breaking up with her. i thought oh, well, i'll chase her to paris. that was very romantic. craig: very romantic. but it is for love. [laughter] >> you spend a few nights in jail and then you're in paris. she had met another guy by the time i got there. craig: oh, this is awful! a french guy? >> yeah. craig: oh, what a bastard! you know they are waiting at the airport. hello, are you lonely? do you need someone to listen to you? >> yes. she fell right for it. yeah. a bag checker that she met. no, he was like a -- he was a classical vie littlist. craig: oh, that is awful, man. >> yeah. when i opened the door, not just
because he was standing there. naked. no, i could tell something had gone wrong. so i cried for days at all the national monuments. notre dame. and i went and then she sent me home. craig: how the hell did you get together with her then after that? >> well, i just -- i kind of forced -- i proposed -- i cornered her and i forced her -- into marrying me basically. craig: do you have some information on her or something like that? >> i'm very -- i'm very muscular. and just -- did a little -- [laughter] you don't want to mess with a guy with a hairy back. i'm very unpredictable. i proposed to her and way too fast. i shouldn't have. everyone said wait, wait, don't do this. it was basically like i picked her up from the airport and had
to pull over and propose in the car because i couldn't wait. i was sort of entrapping her. once i did that. craig: also, you could hit her while she was still woozy with the jet lag. >> yes, it was sneaky of me. she can't be with a french guy. right? craig: of course not. a ludicrous idea. >> in france -- they are like -- like eh, pfft. pfft. craig: i totally agree with you. >> it is like eh, pfft. they do that all the time. i don't know what that is. it is pure -- craig: frenchness. that is what it is. we're totally out of time, but i'm very interested in this. >> we can finish the story. we did get married. it was a very clumsy road getting there. craig: how long have you been
married? >> we have been married for six years. craig: it is fine now. [laughter] that is fine. you have a kid together. >> yeah. we're in the clear, right? craig: nothing can potentially go go wrong. >> and as you mom house inly chew on your pipe. craig: ha ha ha. just don't go to paris. because there is going to be -- >> get off the plane. craig: he'll be waiting there with his violin. >> all of these pantsless men with perfectly groomed backs. craig: simon helberg, everybody! [ male announcer ] research suggests cell health plays a key role throughout our lives. one a day men's 50+ is a complete multivitamin designed for men's health concerns as we age. with 7 antioxidants to support cell health. one a day men's 50+. every season is full of delicious surprises.
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[applause] craig: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. my next guests are here performing the late night debut of "hearts like ours" off their album "in rolling waves," they are on tour now. they are the best named band in the music business. they are the naked and famous, everybody! [applause] ♪ borders and horizon lines we're alone but side by side we're yet to dream we're yet to dream nothing here is what it seems
in silence in silence could we try to reinvent feed the head with common sense through the streets and avenues climbing up the walls with you climbing up the walls with you climbing up the walls with you half awake and almost dead keeping empty beds elsewhere we're yet to bleed we're yet to bleed all the time and energy ah ah ha
in silence leave this place behind in silence and the way we find inside us lead me to the edge of night 'til the dawn the end of time 'til the fire blazing light shines again within our eyes half awake and almost dead keeping empty beds elsewhere we're yet to bleed we're yet to bleed all the time and energy