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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 23, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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♪ >> stephen: whoo! hey! welcome to the show, everybody! beautiful. ( cheers and applause ) hey, chris! what's up, paul? welcome to the "late show." welcome to "the late show." i'm your shows stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thank you all for being here tonight. most of you probably had reservations to go to cpac. for those of you who don't know, cpac is the annual conference of conservatives. also, the name of tupac's republican cousin. and this is the first cpac since e
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right off the bat, the moderator tried to bring everybody together. >> we decided to say that everybody is a part of our conservative family. >> stephen: yes, everyone's part of the family, but, please, pretend brian is just your roommate -- for grandma. it's not worth explaining. let's see. what do you call him, chief strategist steve bannon was there -- ( audience booing ) -- along with white house chief of staff and mouse that just landed in the cage of your pet snake reince priebus and, contrary to what is true, priebus and bannon get along just fine. >> we share an office suite together. we are basically together from 6:30 in the morning until about 11:00 at night. >> stephen: "at which point, steve has instructed me to lock his door and not let him out no matter what he sms
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desperately he howls." ( laughter ) and bannon really seemed to genuinely pretend to like priebus. >> his job is, by far, one of the toughest jobs i've ever seen in my life. to make it run every day, and to make the trains, and you only see the surface. >> stephen: ooh, so close to saying "make the trains run on time!" did you see that? smooth. he pulled out of that. he caught himself before he went full mussolini. now banon just has to resist talking about his "kampf." ( laughter ) and bannon made a prediction for trump's ongoing war with the media -- >> it's not only not going to get better, it's going to get worse every day. every day. every day it is going to be a fight. >> stephen: fun fact: those -- were also steve bannon's wedding vows. ( laughter ) ( applause ) only going to get worse. ( cheers and
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i don't know, is that true? is it true? i have been told. yeah. >> jon: oh, i didn't know that. >> stephen: speaking of things getting worse, last night, donald trump said transgender students can't use the bathrooms they want to use. he's going to check what they've got down there or something, i'm not sure. but we should have seen this coming. if there's one thing trump is famous for, it's telling people where to pee. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) now, the weird thing is that, on the campaign trail, trump was cool with whatever. >> so if caitlyn jenner were to walk into trump tower and wanted to use the bathroom, you would be fine with her using any bathroom she chooses? >> that is correct. s
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because i'm guessing, right now, a lot of trans people would love to take a dump in trump's lobby. ( cheers and applause ) and that is just fine. he's fine with it. correct. ( piano riff ) the best -- (mimicking president trump) only the best. this isn't the only obama action trump's rolling back. he's going to repeal the affordable care act, rescind environmental protections. he's already replaced michelle's vegetable garden with a sandbox full of onion rings. ( laughter ) wouldn't you love? just do a backstroke in there? now, according to the administration, this wasn't about persecuting any group, it was strictly a legal concern. >> the president has maintained for a long time that this is a states' rights issue. >> stephen: oh, grow a pair.
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than "this is a state's rights issue?" "honey, do i like my new haircut?" "uummm... i think i'm going to leave that decision up to the states." ( laughter ) this was controversial, even within the administration. education secretary and chunky necklace victim betsy devos initially resisted signing off on it because of the potential harm that rescinding the protections could cause transgender students. but attorney general jeff sessions, who has opposed expanding transgender rights, pushed ms. devos to relent. "come on, betsy, they won't let me discriminate against black people. just give me this one." ( laughter ) i need something! ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) jeff sessions fans. jeff sessions fans. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: huge jeff sessions fans here tonight. ( laughter ) ultimately, trump sided with sessions, and, when devos was faced with the alternative of resigning or defying the
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along. ( audience booing ) so betsy devos knew it would harm children and did it, anyway, to save her job. how does she sleep at night? i'll let the states decide. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) now here's a shocker -- trump didn't tweet anything about it. in fact, he's had only four tweets the last two days. i'm starting to worry. did someone cut off his thumbs? what is happening? ( laughter ) what is going on? is the "new york times" not #failing enough? has he not gone to the bathroom in two days? what's going on? ( applause ) we might have a hint -- ( applause ) we might have a hint-- yesterday, politico reported that, during the campaign, trump's staff came up with a way to keep him off twitter.
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he sees criticism in the media, so his staff would make sure that everything he watched "included a steady stream of praise." and, as i've said, we do know he likes a steady stream. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you. i appreciate it. thank you. thank you. sometimes they even created positive coverage. like, they made the positive coverage in the news. when the team couldn't find news praising trump, they scrambled to place a story in conservative-friendly outlets like fox news and breitbart. so his staff would use fox and breitbart to plant news... that is... fake... ( laughter ) gosh. i wish there was a term for that. oh, i know
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it's prostitution. ( applause ) yeah. now, of course, being in the entertainment business, i have no experience with using flattery to manipulate someone. my staff says its one of my best qualities. and i'm going to do my part to keep trump off twitter. so, white house staffers, next time the president thinks he hasn't been getting enough praise, you might show him this news clip. >> welcome to real news tonight. i'm jill news lady. our top story, president donald trump is very smart. the things he did today were good, and everyone lovers him. for more, we go to jim. >> thanks, jill. the president did many strong things today. currently everyone on twit, sr. praising him. also, reports indicate his father loved and respected him. >> this is breaking news. donald trump won last year's election bigly. >> no surprise there,ll
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>> yes, he is. he is good. >> trump's good. a good man. and that's the real news tonight. coming up, donald trump is still get an erection. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's how you do it. that's it. now, obviously, we made some of that up. ( laughter ) maybe america needs a politician himself or, better yet, provide bad news about himself like democratic candidate for arizona governor and man who bought himself a beard trimmer for valentine's day, noah dyer. his official campaign website actually says, "noah has had both deep and casual sexual experiences with all kinds of women. he is an advocate of open relationships. he's had group sex and sex with married women. he has sent and re
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occasionally recorded video during sex." good lord! good sweet and sour jesus! i never thought i would miss the quiet dignity of anthony weiner. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) wow! get it out there. just get it out there. and good news, ladies! he's single... though he wouldn't care if he wasn't. so why on earth would noah inflict this on us? well, according to his website, "it is noah's belief that the cleverly disclosed scandals that come out of the woodwork in the midst of campaigns mainly serve to divert and distract away from meaningful dialogue." yes, he doesn't want scandals to come out of the woodwork, so, instead, he's telling us how his wood works. ( laughter )
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okay for that? ( cheers and applause ) that is definitely -- come on. you've got to be consistent here. (drum roll) >> stephen: thank you very much. i'm sorry. i apologize for everything. look, i'm all for transparency in politics, but not this much transparency. i just pray that listing all your sex-periences doesn't catch on with other politicians. i don't want ted cruz saying, "my bride and i have performed several acts of lay-down coitus, surrounded by a ring of soup cans." ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's simple. totally above board. i don't want to hear jason chaffetz admitting, "i reached sexual maturity at three years old, just like other north american beavers." ( cheers and applause ) yeah. >> jon: that's how it works, ain't it? >> stephen: or bernie sanders
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declaring, "75% of my sexual experience has happened 40% of the time with the bottom 20% of a woman's body." 20%. >> jon: from the knees down. >> stephen: or, god forbid, steve bannon sharing, "on multiple occasions i have penetrated into the demagorgon and we toiled feverishly until completion. there were no survivors." ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. aubrey plaza is here! but when we return, i'll have puppies! actual puppies! stick around! ♪
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>> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! welcome back to tonight's show-gram already in progress. ladies and gentlemen, it's no secret, i love animals, which is why i'm a big supporter of all the wonderful work dog shelters do. i just have one complaint -- the commercials they put out about shelter dogs. ♪ ♪ >> hi, i'm sarah maclachlan. will you be an angel for a helpless animal? >> stephen: it's been over a decade-- won't someone find sarah maclachlan a loving home? ( laughter ) but i believe this show has an important mission -- selling snacks to 18- to 35-year-olds.
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it'd be finding rescue dogs a home. so it's time for another edition of: "rescue dog rescue." ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ hey, everybody! welcome to "rescue dog rescue." we've got actual, adoptable puppies here from "north shore animal league america." ( cheers and applause ) very important that somebody adopt these dogs. everything i'm about to tell you about these dogs are complete lies, but if you're not willing to lie for an adorable puppy-- you belong in a shelter. of course, i don't want to tell all the lies myself, so here to help is professional liar, aubrey plaza. ( cheers and applause ) "aubrey plaza," everybody!
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you have a dog, right? >> i have two. >> stephen: are you ready to make some stuff up to get these dogs a good home? >> yes. we're going to make millions! >> stephen: that's...not what we're doing here. let's bring out the puppies! >> first, who do we have here? oh! look at you! aubrey, you like him? >> yeah, he's sweet! >> stephen: this fine looking fella is slugger, a lab mix! he's certified in massage and is trained to only poop on the lawns of your enemies. ( laughter ) also, slugger always remembers your mother's birthday and will remind you ahead of time to send a card. okay? >> okay!
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have here? >> next up is ace! >> stephen: what kind of dog is ace? >> ace is a hound mix. he's a nice boy. he can talk, but chooses not to as a form of protest against wage inequality. ladies, he gets you. ( laughter ) also, unlike every other dog you've met, people say ace's breath smells like freshly baked muffins. ( sniffs ) yum. i'm going to put him in the cage. >> stephen: you go ahead and put him in the cage right there. >> okay. >> stephen: this is molly. molly recently ate a treasure map showing the location of the fabled carnegie fortune. >> ooh, naughty naughty! >> stephen: yes, naughty, naughty. adopt now, and she could poop her valuable secret in your apartment. >> wow. >> stephen: you guys play together. have fun. aubrey, there aren't more dogs, are there? >> there is a lot more,
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here's murphy. murphy is a good boy, but more importantly, he's a good man. ( laughter ) he's very civic minded. when he's not at the animal shelter, he volunteers at another animal shelter. ( laughter ) >> stephen: did he just kiss you? >> we are as in a long-term relationship. ( laughter ) and it's going okay. >> stephen: going okay. all right. >> yeah. >> stephen: who do we have here? oh, here we go. oh, beautiful. oh, look at that. look at the fur. so beautiful. >> oh, wow, beautiful coat. >> stephen: this is tiger. tiger is a bit of a rubble. i'm sorry, tucker. i misread that. tucker is a bit of a rebel. he plays by his own rules. at first you'll think he's aloof and disinterested, but, in a shocking plot twist, you'll find out tucker was the one who loved you all along. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all
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there we go. >> great! >> stephen: who do we have here, aubrey? >> steve, we have luna. feast your eyes on this babe. this terrier shepherd mix, she's a certified couples counselor and also has a degree in psychiatric medicine. and you know what that means -- she can write prescriptions! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: head to our web site. for more information on how you can adopt these actual dogs today from the north shore animal league america. we'll be right back with aubrey plaza! counts, like paperless, multi-car, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. any questions? -yeah. -how do you go to the bathroom? great. any insurance-related questions?
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♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) once again, folks, my first guest tonight is a very funny actress and comedian you know from "parks and recreation." she now stars in the new show "legion." please welcome aubrey plaza! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: nice to see ya! thank you so much. thank you for helping me find a home for those puppies. >> i love puppies. >> stephen: do you have puppies? >> i do. i have two rescue dogs. >> stephen: you really do? yes. >> stephen: you told me over there you thought you might have been lying. you have two dogs. >> i wasn't lying. >> stephen: what are your dogs names? >> stevie and frankie. >> stephen: and which one do you love more? i won't tell them.
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>> stephen: you do love one of them more? >> i can't say that. >> stephen: come on. all right. all right. >> frankie. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's nice. do they do tricks? are they trained or are they just, like, be there and love me? >> stevie drives uber and is trying to figure things out right now. >> stephen: right, right, still getting his (bleep) together. >> and frankie is a genius. >> stephen: that's good. i don't know. they do a lot of tricks. they're really great dogs, and they're mine. ( laughter ) >> so... >> stephen: it's a very full story. >> yeah. >> stephen: last time we were here together -- i'm here every night -- but the last time you were here, we were talking about -- you went to catholic school. >> i did. >> stephen: for many, many years, right? the full ride catholic school. >> montessori, k-12. >> stephen: and you told me
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a movie called -- >> the little hours. >> stephen: but you would tell me almost nothing about it because you hadn't shot it yet. but now you shot it. >> and there she is. >> stephen: there you are. there you are as sister -- >> sister fernanda. >> stephen: yelling that dave franco. >> yes. >> stephen: did you like putting on the habit? i played a priest last year on mindy kaling's show. i loved wearing the collar. it's like wearing a tuxedo, but it's a really good look. >> i love uniforms. it's probably the least flattering costume you could wear in a movie because it's just this much of your face. >> stephen: but it frames your face. head on a platter. >> right, that's all you get. it's all in the eyes. >> stephen: i also found out
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up. >> yeah. >> stephen: which is one i would not have suspected of you is that you were in 4-h when you were younger. >> yes. >> stephen: i did not know you grew up in a farm community. >> i did not. >> stephen: where did you grow up? >> in wilmington, delaware, and there are a lot of farming communities in delaware, but i grew up in the city and, yeah, 4-h is known more as an agriculture-based youth program. >> stephen: yeah, like, you know, you learn about, like, cat and animal husbandry and stuff like that. >> that's right. >> stephen: yeah. and, you know, i did some stuff. i got into that. i sheared some sheep in my day. >> stephen: seriously? yeah. >> stephen: do they fight back when you're shearing them? >> no, they sing and they tell you stories and they're really sweet. >> stephen: are they bummed out about it? >> i don't know. >> stephen: you don't know. i did it, like, once. >> stephen: okay. and i had my uncle raised a
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big, so i got to be around that. you know, i got to see that. >> stephen: what do the four hs stand for? that's what i don't know. >> there is actually a pledge that explains that which i can say for you. >> stephen: i would love it. if i remember it. i pledge my head to greater thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands to larger service, and my health to better living, for my club, my community, my country and my world. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and so should we all! and so should we all, aubrey plaza! >> yeah, it's not a joke. that's really what the pledge is. >> stephen: no one here thinks it's a joke. >> no, i was just saying -- >> stephen: that was sincere appreciation. >> no, i'm just saying it so everybody knows i'm not making fun. >> stephen: you're getting the 4-h award. >> i'm getting the alumni medallion legacy award because i'm an alumni.
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up. it made me who i am and hopefully it will bring awareness to the program. >> stephen: "legion" is the show you're on now. >> yeah. >> stephen: "legion" is a marvel show. it's in the marvel universe, the x-men universe. >> yes. >> stephen: because it has the x and the o of the name "legion." >> that's right. >> stephen: are you a superhero in this? >> i can't really answer that question, because -- >> stephen: because you don't know or because -- >> well, no, i mean, i'm not -- i don't know, but -- >> stephen: well, we have a clip. will that give us hints? >> it's a very mysterious, exciting show and all things will be revealed. >> stephen: do you know what the clip is? >> yeah, my character lenny, she has previously -- i don't think this is a spoiler alert -- died, and,
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( laughter ) yeah. >> stephen: i hope not. i hope that's not a spoiler. >> she dead. >> stephen: yeah. o now she's reaboard, and -- reappeared and she's talking to david haller who plays "legion." and here we go. >> stop looking at me like that, man. i know! i'm dead! you killed me! ( laughter ) and i gotta say, not cool, man. >> i didn't -- yeah, you did. don't blame her. don't blame her. she was just a -- what do you -- passenger riding around if -- around in your body. don't act surprised when she blows your (bleep) up. >> honey. i'm sorry, man. >> no, it's cool. it's cool. what was
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rest of my life popping pills from a little cup? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you say you're dead in there, so we know that. well, we've got to go, but i just want to ask you before we go, the character was written as a middle-aged man. >> yeah. >> stephen: what was your reaction when they said, we thought of you? because, spoiler alert, i'm a middle-aged man, and we don't look anything alike. >> i said, makes sense, sign me up. i don't know. >> stephen: you kept the dialogue the same. >> yeah, i did. i did. the script, lenny was written as a middle-aged man, a drug addict in a mental hospital, and he said what about lenny buscar for you? i said, doesn't make any sense, but let's do it. sounds fun. >> stephen: it does sound fun. yeah. >> stephen: aubry, lovely to see you again. >> yeah, you,
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>> stephen: "legion" airs wednesdays on fx. aubrey plaza, everybody! we'll be right back with bradley whitford. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hello, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back. folks, my next guest is an emmy-award-winning actor you know from "thw west wing" and "transparent." he now stars in the movie "get out." >> so how long has this been going on this, thing? howing on? ( laughter ) >> four months. ? mmm -- about five months, actually. she's right. i'm wrong. >> attaboy, better get used to saying that! ( laughter ) >> please, i'm so s
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oh, yeah, i'm sorry. she's right. i'm wrong. see? >> do you have an off button? it's exhausting. >> i want to give you a tour! can i unpack first? you ant to unpack, before the tour? >> stephen: please welcome bradley whitford! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: i see you brought tucker with you. >> i brought tucker, which is interesting because my first dog's name was tucker. >> stephen: oh, really? yeah, isn't that sweet? and i actually, in third grade, i wrote an essay that won the contest, and they put it up in the hallway at the school, and
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t to an f. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and that's when you said, i will be an artist. >> that's exactly right. >> stephen: oh. you realize for the next seven minutes, no one's going to listen to a damn thing we have to say. we're just going to look at tucker right here. >> if there is anything we don't need it's screen time. >> stephen: listen, kiddo, glad you have the puppy here just to callum you down. >> a service dog -- since the election. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you were here in september. september, my friend. at that point, you were at a ten-plus in your trump panic. there were, like, alarm bells going all over you, the dam was going to burst. >> yes. >> stephen: how are you now, that,
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>> it hath come to pass, and this is calming me. but i do want to reiterate, our president was a birther, which is racist and un-american, and we have a white nationalist working in the white house, and they've conflatted refugees with terrorism, and they are picking on transgender people, and it's not a joke and it's very upsetting. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i can tell. i can tell. i agree. this is how upsetting it is -- i want to point out, in the last 24 hours, 24 hours, bradley whitford, you have posted 70 political tweets. ( laughter ) which i believe you can get a prescription for. here's one you posted. afraid you might be share ago public bathroom with
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person? you're not a patriot, you're a coward. ( applause ) trump is like having someone pilot a jet who has never flown before who thinks planes are stupid. ( applause ) just breathe. breathe. you haven't tweeted during this interview yet, have you? >> i'm tweeting with my thigh. >> stephen: wow. how do you do that? that's a very talented kegel you're doing. ( laughter ) now, you were deputy chie chieff staff josh lyman on "thw west wing." >> yes, i was ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what do you think josh's take might be on reince priebus? any advice or anything like that from josh? >> you know, change your name, i think. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it had to go low. orry. it's so hard. >> stephen: you know, it's an ano gram.
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it's an anagram for penis rice aaroneé. ( laughter ) you can look it up, it works. >> that's the title of my second album. >> stephen: your jazz fusion album. emerson, lake and palmer and -- whitford. >> yes. >> stephen: we've divided a country with this election, but we've also divided friends and family. your friend rob lowe, also a "tw west wing," he tweeted this when he landed at lax and saw the protesters about the immigration ban. "just saw grandmas and little children dragging heavy lug badge for blocks just right get home," #protest. he didn't seem happy. you tweeted, way to speak out,
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( cheers and applause ) now, listen, please don't fight with rob lowe. don't ruin the reruns for me. >> i won't. >> stephen: you guys going to kiss and make up. >> yeah. >> stephen: you love each other right? >> we love each other. >> stephen: you have to love each other. >> i just think if you do have a racist, unpatriot president, you should speak out. >> stephen: yeah. what about the grandmas with the luggage part? >> i care about grandmas, too. >> stephen: well, the movie "get out," i have been told, is a horror movie about race. is it so racist that it's going to scare me? is that what it's about? >> it will scare the racism out of you. >> stephen: well, i hope so. this is an amazing movie. i stand behind none of my work, but i love this
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jordan peel hit it out of the park. >> stephen: writer and director. >> yes, hand wrote and directed this. daniel colulia is astonishing in it. great cast. katherine keener, alison williams. i've never read a script like this. you will see it's an amazing experience. thee it in the theater because the crowd goes nuts. >> stephen: tucker, i want to thank you for coming out here. >> tucker's a love snore you take care of our friend bradley whitford. "get out" is in theaters tomorrow. the lovely bradley whitford, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by lupe fiasco! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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butterfinger. >> stephen: here performing "jump" from his new album "drogas light," ladies and
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gentlemen, lupe fiasco featuring gizzle. ( cheers and applaus) ♪ gold medals them my role models ♪ rollin' old models lowered old schools ♪ flowin' cold and goin' gold follows ♪ flower bearin' call it petals to the floor ♪ power sharin' call it devils to the door ♪ power, power 'til ain't no devils anymore ♪ flower, flowers they be droppin' ♪ at the feet of my son move a thousand miles per hour ♪ down the street of my slum and who do i meet ♪ to the beat of mym dru it was little susie uzi ♪ she sold crack and was a killer ♪ all bitch dope tip wasn't trappin' with no( bleep ) ♪ had a long money minor do that action for them figures ♪ her influence fully automatic, crackin' off the richter, yeah ♪ walked up to my ride asked me could she get inside ♪ she pointed at her pistol so i properly replied ♪ told me out here in the streets ♪ she ain't have no competition and with me up on them beats ♪ then we shared the same description ♪ with a blunt between her lips she said, "now here's my proposition: ♪ you just write a bunch of raps for me ♪ and i'ma go and spit 'em
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then we take 'em to the radio then we take 'em to the record store ♪ and sell a couple million" ♪ i already got the money, already got the women ♪ i see these other ( bleep ) i'ma do it how they did it ♪ from a trapper to a rapper trapper to a rapper ♪ trapper to a rapper now ( bleep ), make it happen ♪ tell me, call up soundtrakk have him send a couple beats ♪ not that "superstar" ( bleep ) she wanted somethin' for the streets ♪ said igit mht take like a month ♪ she said it br ettetake a week gave my arm a little punch ♪ and then she pointed at her heat ♪ said, "i saw that thing the first time, ♪ you don't gotta do it twice but i need a lil' info on ♪ exactly what i write some details 'bout a female, ♪ 'bout your life and what you like" ♪ she said, "my life is like a ( bleep ) , and ♪ i'm just like my life" then pow-pow-pow-pow-pow ♪ yeah them ( bleep ) started bussin' ♪ like that boycott was over and that we had overcome it ♪ she said, "( bleep ), hit the gas," ♪ went from zero to a hunnid now we runnin' from some killers ♪ i was so sick to my stomach she was hangin' out the window ♪ with that thumper she was
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dumpin' ♪ had a look upon her face that made t ♪ we was swervin' jumped the curb ♪ and ditched the whip and started runnin' ♪ tried to jump over a wall but it was a little tall ♪ so we ducked behind a bush and that's how we got overlooked ♪ i was shook and breathin' hard and she was sittin' there ♪ smokin' kush then we both started to glow ♪ we looked around like "what is this?" ♪ and then we looked up and a light came down ♪ and pulled us to a ship, like, "what the ( bleep )?" ♪ i already got the money, already got the women ♪ i see these other ( bleep ) i'ma do it how they did it ♪ from a trapper to a rapper trapper to a rapper ♪ trapper to a rapper now ( bleep ), make it happen ♪ well now this the ( bleep ) i'm talkin' 'bout, ♪ the ( bleep ) that i've been on ♪ yeah, light years outer space, but i still feel ♪ right at home now where the women? ♪ get them intergalactic asses to clappin' ♪ break down some of that candy and roll it up in a wrapper ♪ for a rapper nah, i could never go back to trappin' ♪ and who needs atlanta when you're on saturn ♪ gettin' a lapdance with a lit match ♪ in your left hand and your right hand ♪ is a gas can
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♪nd at any given moment i could burn is ♪ just lookin', ( bleep )? turn that ( bleep ) up ♪ hop in some of this alien ♪ let me know how it work i'm just sayin' ♪ i'm gon' be there and i ain't in no rush ♪ nah, ( bleep ), nah, ( bleep ) i ain't in no rush ♪ ay, i thought you couldn't rap? ♪ when'd you learn how to do that? ♪ then what you need me for if you already know how to flow? ♪ ay, ( bleep ) that, we gotta go ♪ wouldn't even be in this ho if you told me from the jump ♪ we wouldn't be on this u.f.o. but i think that i can fly us ♪ stole a key so i can try it never thought that i would ever ♪ be a flyin' saucer pilot but first thing's gon' be first ♪ when we get back to that earth i'ma go back to them raps and ♪ you can go back to that work, ( bleep ) ♪ i already got the money, already got the women ♪ i see these other ( bleep ) i'ma do it how they did it ♪ from a trapper to a rapper trapper to a rapper ♪ trapper to a rapper
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now look, make it happen ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: lupe fiasco! gizzle! "drogas light," everybody!
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we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be allison williams, cush jumbo, and comedian carmen lynch. now stick around for james corden and his guests, jordan peele and nick kroll.
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good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it's gonna be all right


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