tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 23, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
him as a client. we'll protect you and your staff from all types of investigations including trees an, illegal arms sales. >> anything that ends in gate. >> and killing mufassa. >> i heard he slipped. >> if you're a world leader, call us today. the only thing you'll be found guilty of is a great decision. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes kevin spacey. terry crews. and rob huebel. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: hey! hey! >> stephen: sparkly. >> audience: stephen! stephen! >> stephen: hey, everybody, please, have a seat. you're too kind. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much. donald trump may be out of the country, but he is still the toast of washington. or whatever reason he's that color. i think it's toasting. ( laughter ) just today, this morning, the trump administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled, "a new foundation for american greatness," which is just slightly grandiose for a
financial document. it's like calling your grocery list "a bold vision for yogurt and dog food." not a lot on that list. now, that foundation of america's greatness? what he's building that on? it turns out he's building out of ofthe ground-up bones of poor people because this budget cuts things like the food stamp program, snap, and the children's health insurance program, chip. so he's cutting "snap" and "chip," to which america's children replied "stop" and "help." ( laughter ) i know this is an unpopular position these days, but i believe children should go to the doctor and eat. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) where do i find the courage? where do i find the courage? not in the white house. and the whole thing is particularly cruel to one minority group: trump's voters. because the president's budget hitsis
taking aim at the social safety net on which many of them rely. it's all there on trump's new hat, "make the poor live on squirrel meat again." ( laughter ) meanwhile, budget director and newly appointed chairman of the lollipop guild, mike mulvaney told reporters, "we are no longer going to measure compassion by the number of programs or the number of people on those programs. we are going to measure compassion by the number of people we help get off of those programs." yes, it's like the old saying, "give a man fish, he eats for a day. take away his fish, we've got all the fish! woo-hoo! fish party!" woo-hoo! mike or mick? mick mulvaney? something like that. this budget is filled with brutal, senseless cuts to medical research, like $14 billion in cuts from health and human services, including an unbelievable cut of 19% from the national cancer instut
>> audience: boo! >> stephen: listen, listen, trump said we'd be sick of winning, and he is ready to deliver on the first half of that sentence. ( laughter ) the budget also calls for major cuts to the centers for disease control. so whenever that thing inside steve bannon bursts out and goes airborne, we will not be prepared to handle it. ( cheers and applause ) speaking of things that keep spreading, the russia investigation is only getting worse for the president. last night we found out back in march, after james comey testified that there was an investigation into collusion between russia and the trump team. "trump asked the director of national intelligence and the head of the n.s.a. to publicly deny evidence of russia collusion." "fellas, youw
totally innocent of? could you crush that before it gets out?" ( laughter ) just like comey, the intelligence directors trump talked to refused to help. so why did trump do it? according to one senior intelligence official, trump's goal was to "muddy the waters." let me get this straight. it goes "drain the swamp," then "muddy the waters." "muddy the waters"-- also, his environmental policy. and earlier today, the house intelligence committee heard testimony from former c.i.a. director and man asking if you've taken the picture yet, john brennan. ( laughter ) and-- and-- lovely, lovely picture. and true to pretty much all the testimony about russia, brennan said something completely shocking in the most boring way possible. >> i encountered and am aware of information and intelligence
that revealed contacts and interactions between russian officials and u.s. persons involved in the trump campaign that i was concerned about because of known russian efforts to suborn such individuals. and it raised questions in my mind again whether or not the russians were able to gain the cooperation of those individuals. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm awake! i'm awake! put me in coach. okay, that might have been boark but what he just said is super important. basically, he's saying he knows that russia tried to recruit members of the trump campaign. he's not sure if they did. that's like saying, "we know the mob tried to cut your brake cables. we just don't knowf
succeeded. here are the keys. have a great drive. it's full of gas!" ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile, meanwhile, across the pond, overseas, donald trump's magical misery tour continues. ( laughter ) after leaving israel, today, he god to rome? today, president trump arrived in rome. he's so excited to finally meet jude law. "you look much older in person. you need to moisturize." rome is the third leg of trump's tour of some of the world's major holy sites. if i did not know any better, i'd say trump is really trying to get in touch with god. >> you got that right, stephen. >> stephen: oh, it's god, everybody! say hello to the lord. >> hello, everybody.
being here. >> technically, i'm everywhere, stephen. i'm here at every church, on a tortilla in guadalajara. oh, no, wait. they didn't see me, and now they ate me. they don't know what they missed. >> stephen: well, lord, how do you feel about trump going to all these holy sites around the world? >> i don't know. you pray with three major religions in one week? seems a little needy. come on, buy a god a drink first. >> stephen: well, the president was praying to you at the western wall in jerusalem yesterday. can you tell us what he prayed for? >> oh, sorry, stephen. unlike some people, i don't give away top-secret information from israel. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) not this time. mum's the word. >> stephen: still, you're getting a lot of attention this week, god. it must feel pretty special. >> not at all, stephen. this whole thing is just a distraction from the russia scandal. i mean, trump even asked me if i could get james comey to stop the f.b.i. investigation. ( laughter ) >> stephen: really,wo
>> no! even if i wanted to help, i can't. you know: separation of church and state. plus, i really want to see that pee tape. ( laughter ) come on. somebody knows it's real. >> stephen: don't know. >> i do. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so, is there any way trump can win you over? >> well, at this point, he's got to go big: get swallowed by a whale, build me an ark, sacrifice one of his children-- oh, and a good one, too. not eric. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice talking to you, god. if it's okay with you, i'm going took back to my show now if that's cool. >> you do you, stephen. i'll just be up here playing with my fidget spinner. this thing helped me quit smoking. >> stephen: god, everybody! we've got a great show for you tonight. kevin spacey is here. but when we come back, i'll be
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. jon batiste and stay human. say hello the band right over there! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! >> stephen: welcome back, my friend. now, folks, before we go any further, i just want to take a brief moment right now to talk about theor
manchester last night. after tragic events like this, there is really nothing you can say that can approach the shock and grief of the victims and their families. but last night, our friend james corden spoke movingly and beautifully about that city and the people he knows in manchester, and i recommend you go online to hear what he had to say. all we can add here is that following acts of senseless violence, like this, it's all the more important not to be controlled by fear but instead to be reminded by the action of the people of manchester who rushed to the aid of their friends and strangers alike. it's more proof that evil cannot succeed, as long as good people are willing to love each other. and let's all try our best to do that. ( cheers and applause ) now i'm going to go over there and do a couple more jokes. come on, let's do it. ( cheers and applause ) now, i don't know if you've noticed, but while he's been overseas, the president hasn't bewe
i assume it's because he's too cheap to pay for data roaming. ( laughter ) but it might also be because last week, trump aides staged a twitter intervention. what? you can't take twitter away from trump! that's like taking the nudity away from "game of thrones!" it's the reason why we watch the show! ( applause ) how, this twitter-vention was arranged because aides have been concerned about the president's use of twitter to push inflammatory claims. yes, i mean, there's a lot of reason to be concerned. history has shown that if he keeps saying all this crazy stuff, he could win another presidential election. >> audience: boo! >> stephen: keep smiling. ( laughter ) and there's urgency because trump's staff fears they may soon lose their jobs. as one source put it, "the president goes through moods where sometimes he wants to blow
um, excuse me. if he goes through moods where he wants to blow everything up, maybe it's not twitter you should be taking away from him. ( cheers and applause ) now, apparently-- now, apparently, this intervention included white house staff only, but there are plenty of us who have been deeply affected by trump's tweets. so i just want to take a second to speak to president trump personally. i wrote this letter as part of the intervention. ( laughter ) "dear president trump, your tweeting has affected me in the following ways: my ratings are up. ( cheers and applause ) but, president trump, some
just about things you've tweeted. you're squeezing out other fun news stories. did you know that san francisco is opening a rat cafe? they are. that's real. ( laughter ) you took that away from me. ( laughter ) we want you to accept help. or at the very least, autocorrect. ( laughter ) how many ways can you misspell "independent council"? please give up this harmful addiction and find another coping mechanism. have you tried drinking? because that's what i've been doing, and it's working great. we'll be right back with kevin spacey. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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folks, my first guest tonight is a tony and academy award winner infamous frank underwood o >> how much more proof do you people need? i demand that every member of this house take a stand, like f.d.r. before and wilson before him. i demand that this congress declare a formal declaration of war, both here and abroad! >> the house will adjourn. the president will cease. >> i will not cease! i will never cease! >> stephen: please welcome the kevin spacey. ( cheers and applause )
( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: look at that. i'm afraid that's all we have time for. >> thank you very much. good night. >> stephen: i love a guest who takes his time on the cross, says hi to the band. you've got to. >> good evening. >> stephen: good evening to you. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: welcome back. >> it's been a while. >> stephen: it's been over a year. >> is that mine? >> stephen: it is yours. let's find out. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's the good stuff. >> that's the good stuff. >> stephen: that's the good stuff. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's been over a year since you were
>> stephen: and the last time you were here, a bit of a different world-- or at least different leadership, last time you were here. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: is it-- is it odd to do a show like "house of cards" that does not seem as crazy as reality anymore? ( laughter ) is that a challenge in any way to you? ( cheers and applause ) >> well-- as christopher walken might say, it's crazy. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's one of the things-- one of the things about "house of cards" is you guys, for season after season, people would go "how did you know the world is going to be the way it is?" you know, you guys are sort of predictive. >> well, it's interesting that every season-- and i would say particularly this season-- we have-- you know, we come together. we do our bible of what we're going to do in the whole season. we start writing. we write the episodes. we shoot the episodes. and then at some point between when we've shot the season and before it
or five things that we have dealt with on the show happen in the real world. and we go, "okay. everyone's going to assume we stole it from the headlines." but in fact, we did it first. ( laughter ) and i think actually what's been interesting this year sort of watching a lot of commentary. people have been saying 'house of cards' is going to be boring this year. how can they compete with reality?" ( laughter ) i have to say in all honesty, i think we've never before more relevant. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: the first time you were here, the first time you were here, i asked you like, you know, when frank underwood does his asides into the camera, is there anyone he's actually talking to you said it was-- >> i think i said as a joke that it was donald trump. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that was a long time before he was seriously considered a guy who could be president of the united states. >> what has become clear since
not listening at all. ( laughter ) >> stephen:ive think trump could use a little frank underwood. a little planning would be comforting. because he seems a little see the of the pants sometimes. >> i will say this-- i do believe we have better writers. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: improv. i think he's doing-- i think he's improvising. >> a little bit. >> stephen: yeah. it's like jazz-- it's the governance you don't do. ( laughter ). >> very interesting. he-- yeah, no, it's been-- i have to say, you know, it's been very entertaining. >> stephen: yeah, it sure has. >> yeah. >> stephen: it sure has. exhaustingly so. >> no, no, i'm just talking about you coming out here every night and talking about it. that's been very entertaining. >> stephen: oh, that's been very entertaining for me, too. that's been medicinal. that's better than a cocktail. ( applause ) you've acted on some of the greatest stages in the world here and abroad. bui
he was also an extraordinary civil rights attorney. and he took on cases that no one else would take on. and later in his career he was an incredible criminal defense attorney. and so i'm doing this one-man show about his entire life. and i just think that his voice right now in the place that we're at, he was a reasonable, very, very funny-- there was a lot of audience participation-- we're not selling out the whole stadium, by the way. it will be quite intimate. we'll probably play in front of 5,000 people. >> stephen: 5,000. >> i played at the epidur is. >> stephen: a skin disease. what is that? >> yes, but because of the budget, you can't fix it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: so what's the epiduris. >> epiduris is the incredible ancient greek theater in greece, in athens. i did "rich iii" there and played in front of 14,
>> stephen: wow. how do you-- how do you-- like, how do you gauge the level, the size of your performance. you're doing "richard iii" in front of 14,000 people. what's the difference-- >> for example, let's say we were doing it here on television. could i have a close up, please. a little closer than that. ( laughter ) a little closer than that. so i could literally say this "now is the winter of our discontent." i could say it just like that. but in a place like the epiduris-- pull the camera back now, way back, way back. ( shouting ) now is the winter of our discontent! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i like that one. that's like a cup of cove. a cup of coffee. >> let me tell you the most exciting thing about arthur ashe and doing darrow there. we're not using the whole center court. we're putting a stage there but we're bringing in 600 additional seats of
seats will be seats for young people. and i want to announce tonight-- ( applause ) >> stephen: announcement, a special announcement. >> i want to announce tonight in addition to the 300 seats that we're offering to young people, the 18- to 25-year-olds are for free. and i'm offering tonight an additional 100 of those seats, and if you go to kevinspacyfoundation.com you can sign up for our lottery for those ticket s. >> stephen: wow. we'll put that right up there. that will be great. wow. wow. speaking of young people, did you live in new york when you were first an actor? >> yes. i started-- i started my career after i went to juilliard eye know most of the band went to juilliard. >> stephen: you went at the same time, right? you guys went to juilliard-- >> , of course, at that time he was in the dance division, strangely enough. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: when you were a young actor in new york, how did you make your way in the world? because i was a young actor in chicago, which was hard enough.
place. >> i was a hat check guy at a restaurant. >> a hat check guy. back when people had hats. >> back when people had hats. and i actually took yul brenner's hat one night and put it right there. >> stephen: what? he needs it. >> and i worked in an office. i also worked at the public theater in the basement. and one of the things i did in order to reduce rent at an apartment that i had was i was the super of the building you. >> stephen: were there and you-- >> i changed the light bulbs, i did it all in order to have a reduced rent. >> stephen: did you know what you were doing? descru any-- did you have any skill? >> i would say it's a little bit like you-- i learned on the job. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you very much. yes. both just going out every night and cleaning up people's (bleep). >> exactly. >> stephen: well, the tonys are on june 11. >> that's correct. >> stephen: and you are hosting this year, congratulas.
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excited! you know i gotta do this. >> stephen: i know you gotta do that? it's cbs. we might have to blur it, though. a family show. how long has it been sense you played ball? >> oh, my god, almost 20 years. i retired in 1997. >> stephen: okay. now, i think of you as a great comic actor. but you started off as an athlete. how do you stay in shape? what is the thing do you? what is your regimen? >> i have never stopped working out. it's kind of weird. two hours pretty much a day. >> stephen: two hours a day! >> i do. i get up, if i know i have to go to work at, like, 7:00, i'll get up at 4:00 and do my thing. i have to have it. i have all this energy. you can tell. you can tell? >> stephen: i can tell. >> the energy is here. i have to burn it-- this is after the workout. so before you have to imagine. but i have five different gym memberships everywhere. >> stephen: wow. >> just so-- just in case i can't get a workout in.
the other one is on set. i got one for a nice gym. i got one when i want to get down and dirty. it's styled to my day. >> stephen: is this all just workout or is this whole lifestyle? is it food, is it supplements, what are you taking? >> food-- you know one thing. i do this intermittent fasting thing. i only eat from an eight-hour period from 2:00 p.m. to 10 p.m., and then i'm done. and then it's like a 16-hour fast. >> stephen: that's a long meal, though, 2:00 to 10:00. >> i don't stop eating during that whole period. it's important to get the stuff out. >> stephen: you don't do breakfast? >> i do do breakfast at all and work out fasting. it's wild. but i'm 49. >> stephen: do you drink coffee. >> coffee and tea and an amino acid thing to keep the blood flowing. being 49-- i grew up in the gym so all those guys are like, "you gotta eat 17 meals a day!" and i realize that you just get-- you keep gettingig
and i decided, let me just reverse this thing. and it works for me. i've been doing it for five years. it's amazing! how does it look? ( cheers and applause ). >> i like fishing for compliment s. >> stephen: now, is your family as motivated as you are? you're a living embodiment of getting it done every day. how does your family feel about this level of energy all the time? >> i am a motivation machine, okay. but my family is really sick of it. they're really tired of it. ( laughter ) i found this great quote the other day from michelangelo. and he was like, "please god help me to desire more than i can accomplish." i said, "that's my new saying." and i went around saying this stuff. request "why don't you desire to get your sweaty clothes off the floor." my wife is done. she's so tired of it. i'm like, "honey, it's a new day! it's all yours. you can take it." she's like, "i'm going to t
this nap. will you please get away from me." and i understand it. i understand. >> stephen: so you, obviously, two hours a day working out. obviously, you've got "brooklyn nine-nine." you're doing a lot of different projects. but this new thing you're doing here. >> yes! >> stephen: you're designing furniture. >> exactly! ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, that is not the first thing i would think of-- >> it goes hand in hand! >> stephen: will here's an example. this is a combo-- it's a nice seat combo-coffee table right there, some orchids right there. and i will show you the lifestyle in action right there. >> that's right, baby! >> stephen: this is the life you can have. i'd buy that. i would buy this lifestyle. >> but i grew up an artist. i was an artist-- i saw no difference between being an athlete and an artist. i would have a painting in the showcase at high school on my way to football practice. and it was so funny because i'd go to practice and then i'd go to the classes and the little
they're so sad and i'm like, "hey, y'all. how you all doing? let's paint the hell out of this thing right now!" that's how i did it. >> stephen: nothing wrong with that. you don't have to be a tortured artist. you can be a happy one. >> exactly. >> stephen: well okay but now there are a lot of people who have gotten into the furniture design business i found out here. cathy ireland has furniture. ellen has furniture. labron james has furniture. >> uh-huh, uh-huh. >> stephen: why should i buy your couch and not lebron's? >> because theirs is ugly. >> stephen: lebron's is ugly. >> all of theirs is ugly. i'm serious i have sculpture that you can use and you can sit on. >> stephen: sculpture? >> my thing is sculpture. theirs is ugly, man. i'm sorry, i love you all. they're going to hate me gli assume you had to go to, like, furniture design, conventions, stuff like that to sell your stuff, high point or something like that. >> i literally am here righto
with i.c.f.f., it's in town right now. and i'm going to neocon in chicago. >> stephen: those are all furniture. >> i've been to the big mylan furniture fair. once you get into the design world -- >> stephen: have designers been open to terry crews? >> well, some of them. >> and had another guy come by and he looked at me whole installation and he was like, "wow, this is great man. this is good. you know what i'm going to start a tv show." and i said, "really? maybe i can help you." and he said, "no, i'm not. i'm never doing that." "oh oh! i get it. i'm in your world." >> stephen: he's scared of you now he's scared of you now. >> we're going to have a cage match and figure out who the best designer in the world is. >> stephen: you could break a chair over him. well, good luck. thank you. >> stephen: good luck with the working out and lifestyle and energy.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back to "the late show"" already in problem. folks you know my next guest from "the league" and "transparent." he's now starring in the new "baywatch" movie. >> did you pull broad you off the beach? >> yeah, you bet i did. the councilman's both accident was no accident at all and our investigation led us back to huntly. >> you don't do investigations. you're life guards. police do investigations. when you do it it's just a bunch of guys investigating another bunch of guys -- no offense, you're included in that. >> none taken. >> leave law enforcement to the police and you guys just do the jobs they hired you to do. you remember? the life guarding stuff. >> spliive splash. ( laughter
>> stephen: please welcome rob huebel! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: please. now-- >> that's a crowd. that's a serious crowd. >> stephen: it is a serious crowd. ( cheers and applause ) that's a serious pander. well done. really well done. here's the thing. nice to see you again. people probably don't know this about you and i, but we used to have offices next to each other at the "daily show. of the. >> that's right. >> stephen: it was me and steve carell in one office. and you were in the office next door to me. and who was your office mate? >> steve carell's wife. >> stephen: nancy. >> whose name is not steve carell's wife. >> stephen: it's nancy walsh. >> if you worked with your wife
the office with your wife. it was crazy. >> stephen: no, you have to have some separation. >> it was nancy and i over here and all we heard was you guys next door just cutting up all the time like-- ha-ha-ha! we're like typing on our computers. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i remember a fair amount of the writing staff being mad at me and steve because we laughed a lot. >> yeah. there is a lot of, like, really over-the-top laughter. like just going crazy. but, you know-- >> stephen: we were just faking to make you crazy. >> it was really -- >> stephen: here's the thing. when i found out you were coming on the show. i said,"he used to be a correspondent on 'the daily show." and they said he was a producer. >> that was when i was just starting out. and i'll be honest, i was a very mediocre producer. >> stephen: did you ever get in trouble as a producer. like the talent hides in the car while the producer sets up the situation that the talent goes into. we're like the strike force, and the griewrs is grinding it out. >> iik
like a strike force. >> stephen: a comedy strike force pup softened up the beach. >> i've gotten in trouble a few times. one of the first jobs i ever did was on a prank show for vh1. and-- so they had this idea that we would do this prank-- hilarious-- where i would take a michael jackson impersonator-- this is before michael jackson passed away, obviously-- and we were-- i was going to try to sneak him in to yankee stadium so that michael jackson could throw out the first pitch before a baseball game, right? great -- >> stephen: you say, "i have michael here. he just stopped bee bye andments to throw out first pitch." >> and the producers of the prank show are like, it's going to be hilarious. you'll never get in the stadium. you'll argue with security guards and they'll throw you out. we're wearing the hidden camera glasses and it's really obvious i'm filming, filming, filming. they didn't take into account i'm pretty good at lying. like, i'm pretty good. so we went int
of yankee stadium. >> and just laid down all this b.s., that i was with michael jackson. and they were like, let's do it. next thing you know -- >> stephen: it's you and michael-- with the glasses and the glove and the spangly jacket. >> no, not even a black person. he's, like, a german guy-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) with-- wearing the surgical mask just like-- it was-- it was so ill conceived. ( laughter ) next thing you know, we're in the dugout. i'm sitting-- sitting next to derek jeter and, like, joe torre. they're like, "yo, michael jackson!" and we were like... so right before we are about to throw out the first pitch, like, security started getting suspecious. and so they brought us out of the dugout, and they separated us. and they started grilling us. and this other person that was with us, this other producer, started crying. >> stephen:
questioning. we went to jail. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you went to jail, like cuffs, like jail? >> jail in the bronx on a friday night. if you go to jail in the bronx on friday night, you don't get out till monday morning. so -- >> stephen: were you in the same cell as michael jackson? >> yes, they called us-- yes. it was me, michael jackson, and three other people. so they called us "the jackson five." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's the best producer story i've ever heard. >> i am permanently banned from yankee stadium. i have a thing that says, "you may not ever go back in yankee stadium." but i've been back already! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good for you. now, you're in "baywatch" thing. are you-- are you, like, one of the guys who takes off his shirt and all jacked up that kind of stuff. >> here's the thing. i wanted to. they wouldn't let mow. >> stephen: you're a fit guy. >> i'm not very fit. thank you for saying that, but
gross flab. and i offered-- i started emailing the director pictures of myself in a speedo. and he was like, "please stop, stop. stop doing that. glvment maybe for the sequel. >> maybe, maybe. >> stephen: lovely to see you again, man. >> lovely to be here. thank you for having me. >> stephen: congratulations. "baywatch" opens this thursday. rob huebel, everybody, he went to ♪ [doorbell] ♪ ♪ when you have doctors working as a team for your health,
late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be robin wright, hannibal buress, and paul simon. now stick around for james corden and his guests jim carrey, al madrigal, and andrew santino. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show