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the show with zefrank

A 249 episode video series performed by Ze Frank every weekday from March 17, 2006 through March 17, 2007. 



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(sings) Sports racer , racing sports! What's your power move ? Kaahhh! Hi there. (Sips coffee) Hi. (Sip) Hi. Hi it's March seventeenth, two thousand and six, I haven't smoked in three days, and nothing feels good. In CNN's top stories, "Jessica Simpson loves Bush, not fund-raisers". I wonder what that's about. Jessica backed out of a Republican fund-raiser where she would have had the opportunity to meet Bush. Tom Reynolds, a New York Republican, summed it up precisely, when he said...
Topics: jessica simpson loves bush, neverland, iraqis buy fruit, google scalia, bill gates, one laptop per...
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(Burp) Good morning, it's Monday, March twentieth. I haven't showered and my breath smells like a poodle crapped in my mouth. Let's be friends as I tell you everything that you need to know about today. It's just like TV, but with pimples. Today marks the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq and president Bush is expected to address the nation this evening to explain why he is so darn optimistic about it. Rather than focus on "statistics" and "numbers" Bush is expected...
Topics: burp, pimples, iraq war anniversary, talifar, isaac hayes, south park, scientology, mars rover...
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Tuesday, March twenty-first. Ten days away from my birthday. I'm not lonely, please be my friend as we try to get to second base with the world of knowledge. In local-local news this morning I overheard this conversation between two elderly ladies: "The world is falling into darkness." "Yeah. You wanna pretzel?" Also in a recent study by me, it was found that I get pissed off when people don't have their money ready in line for the deli. Wired.com reports that until...
Topics: haircut, elderly ladies pretzel, deli, amazon.com, abortion means adoption, cats means tits, tom...
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Hello Sports Racers , it's Wednesday March twenty-second, hold my hand as we go in search of an infogasm. Today I'm coming at you from a hotel room in Washington, D.C., that was designed to look like a rainbow that just got its ass kicked by Chuck Norris. If this were like my house, this is the room that I would hang out in all the time. They even give you a little box of Q-Tips. (mouth full of Q-Tips) Wrahwrahwah. Wraaaah. No, I didn't put the Q-Tips back in the box after I used them. Pff....
Topics: infogasm, traveling, washington dc, chuck norris, q-tips, paper internet, soriano baseball refusal,...
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Thursday, March twenty-second. Owwwwww! Who wants a duckie ? I had some cream cheese this morning. Am I hung over? Sure. Now if those labels make you feel better. (sniffs nose) But does that stop the truth rocket… ship from… coming? Hell no. (long drag on the Starbucks, coughs) (Sample Shampoo Bottle #1) Look at me, I'm having so much fun! Oh, look! Morning time! (vomit sound) (Sample Shampoo Bottle #2) Dude, that's disgusting. Oh, it smells so bad. (vomit sound) (Sample Shampoo Bottle #3)...
Topics: washington dc, duckie, hangover, trial size vomit, SAT college board error, abu ghraib dog handler,...
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It's Friday, March twenty-fourth, you dirty tiger. Come join me in line, it's mac and cheese day at the cafeteria of knowledge. But first, some quality time. Just you and me. (beat) This is awkward. You're just staring at me. This morning, I started out in Columbia, South Carolina, (driving past a 20 foot fire hydrant) a town with no peculiarities, whatsoever. (interior of car) Then, I went somewhere else. "So, Florida, huh?" (pan to driver) Star Magazine, this week, reports that the...
Topics: south carolina, quality time, giant hydrant, scientology tomkitten, tom cruise second coming, iraqi...
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Good morning, Sports Racers, it's Monday March twenty-seventh. Grab a towel and meet me in the kitchen, the truth has just piddled on the floor and it's up to us to mop it up. The President's approval ratings are still higher than the amount of juice in this popular juice drink. (sip) Mmm. Doesn't taste like failure. Today marks the four hundred and ninetieth day since Amanda Congngdon said that I was cute, on the November twenty-second, 2004 episode of Rocketboom, the popular video blog. Ms....
Topics: approval ratings, juice drink, amanda congdon, rocketboom, mayonaisse duct tape zebras, illegal...
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It's Tuesday March twenty-eighth. Grab a parka and a Slim Jim. It's cold inside 'cause somebody left the door open and knowledge got out. Let's go find it. My day began in the Seacrest Resort, in the town of Falmouth, Cape Cod. If I didn't know that I was in Cape Cod, and someone beamed me down into the middle of Falmouth, I'd think: "how the hell'd you beam me down into the middle of Falmouth? I didn't know you could do that. That's so cool." In the middle of the night, I fondled the...
Topics: falmouth cape cod, lamp sex, airport, water landing cushion, skymall crossword puzzle, andrew card,...
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Wednesday, March 29th. It's "buy some new socks" day, don't forget to throw out the old. You're my favorite, pucker up, and let's suck on the nipples of truth. The first solar eclipse since 2003 could be seen from Brazil all the way to Mongolia. Many people in the country of Ghana said that the phenomenon bolstered their faith. The scientific explanation of a solar eclipse is that the dark horses of the apocalypse gather on the surface of the sun to collect fire and brimstone that...
Topics: solar eclipse, joshua bolton, deficit attention disorder, bittorrent dvd, supreme court roundup,...
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It's Thursday, March 30th and baby make a ca-ca, bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla, knowledge, let's go. Tomorrow, I'll be celebrating the fact that the Earth is in the same relative position to the Sun that it was on the day that I was born. By counting these occurrences, I get a value that I can use to compare my successes and failures against other people with a similar value. A surprise party is where your friends and family lie to you to make you feel alone and unloved. Then, when they throw...
Topics: pre-birthday, surprise party, bush blames hussein, shut her down and get governing, democratic...
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(sings) Happy birthday. To me. It's Friday, March 31st. Grab a tissue, somebody punched truth in the nose and it's bleeding knowledge. The new ten dollar bills suck, I miss Johnny Quest and Hadji. (blows out single candle on birthday cupcake) I didn't tell people at Starbucks that it was my birthday. (scoffs). (Inside Starbucks, Ze's telling the staff that it's his birthday.) Many of you have written me emails asking "how can I tell if my dog's on fire?" Sports Racer has a few tips....
Topics: birthday, starbucks, dog on fire, rice, thousands of errors, nascar hot dogs, suburbanet, internet...
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( sings ) You can't throw, I can't catch so let's just roll the ball... Monday April third, good morning Sports Racers. LDI is called "let's do it." I'm thinking about you right now. Researchers from the University of California in San Fransisco and the University of Victoria in British Columbia have found that moderate drinking may not help prevent heart disease, as has been previously shown. Bummer. The researchers found that in past studies, the non-drinking control group was not...
Topics: throw, catch, LDI, bummer, drinking, guest worker, sheep herder, testes, terrorist, diplomatic...
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( sings ) Someday, you and I are gonna die. Tuesday April fo', grab a Ho-ho, we're goin' a picnic. Knowledge is hungry. Let's ea-t. CNN.com reports that U.S. Representative Tom "Frito" DeLay plans to resign from Congress and will drop his reelection bid, citing a desire to keep his House seat in Republican hands. DeLay faces trial later this year on money-laundering charges, and the resignation comes on the heels of a guilty plea by his former deputy chief of staff, Tony C. Rudy. He...
Topics: delay, resigns, marijuanna, something from the comments debut, grassroots advertising,...
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Just a reminder, what other people think of you is none of your business. Good morning, Sports Racers , it's Wednesday, April 5th. Talk funny 'cause (baby voice) knowledge is like a little baby. Many of you have asked, paper toilet seat protectors, good or evil? Sports Racer reports. This is a toilet seat protector, the only time when a thin porous piece of paper is thought adequate in guarding you from venereal disease. Many of you have asked about this flap, which way does it go? Is it a poop...
Topics: toilet seat protector, poop slide, tagging flickr, me, ahmed, france protests, straw, rice, new...
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It's Thursday, April sixth-th. Call the fire department, knowledge climbed a tree and won't come down, not even for a Purina Whisker Lickins. Heeeere knowledge! The truth is not sponsored by Purina or its parent company Nestle. The Washington Post has a story today entitled "Immigration Debate Wakes A 'Sleeping Latino Giant'" . The photo included in the article fails to convince this reporter that the supposed Latino giant is any larger than a regular Latino. S-s-s-something from the...
Topics: sleeping latino giant, something from the comments, college, my power move, thunder claw, life...
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Good morning, it's Friday, April seventh. Another week has passed us by, but you and I have grown closer as knowledge has made the womb of our intellect fertile. (singing) I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. Not to brag, but I'm going to Syracuse this weekend. It's not Oneonta or Oswego or those fancy places, but I'm excited. I think of Syracuse as New York's… balls. The Journal of Science reports that researchers from the University of California have discovered new rings...
Topics: syracuse, balls, dirty space news, uranus, black holes, intel based macs, viruses, health care,...
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It's Monday, April 10th. Grab a towel and a peanut, knowledge is trying to save a drowning elephant. You know how much I like you? Like ffth, eigh, ni ten, fortyn-seven, ni, six-th, ty, four. I don't know. S-s-s-something from the comments, mini! Stuckino approximately writes : "Do I have to leave a long and boring comment to become a Sports Racer Sidekick?" No. Just send me your power move. Maiko did. (Shot of Maiko's power move) Maiko from now on your sports racer name is...
Topics: maiko, power move, gonzales, wiretapping, syracuse, genesse cream ale, iran, duckies, mclellan,...
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Good morning sports racers it's Tuesday April eleventh last night I found out that my cats are lesbian cats and knowledge is cool with it. News from the neighborhood. While walking around in my neighborhood this morning I discovered something: no matter how bad my day gets, it won't compare to whoever threw this out: a toilet lid and a self help book on irritable bowel syndrome. Yesterday at least 14 people including five members of Parliament were killed when a military plane crashed in...
Topics: news from the neighborhood, irritable bowel syndrome, kenya, yes, no, i, this is, delay, france...
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Good morning sports racers it's Wednesday April twelfth grab a match knowledge made a number two and didn't light the incense. I'll take the plunge if you be the plunger, let's get flushing. Having trouble making friends? Here's Sportsracer with some Tuesday tips, one day late. Don't tell your potential friends or po-friends about your dreams, unless you can do it in three sentences or less, and it involves people you both know who are making out. Remember listening to someone's dreams is like...
Topics: po-friends, dreams, intelligent design, genitals renaming, WMD fairy tale, speculation, lou dobbs,...
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(On his cell phone) Hello? But-but-but-! Yep! Right, right. W-w-well- Yeah, yeah. Right-right, right. Ha ha! No-no-no, no, no-no-no, no. But-but-but-but- Right-right, right. But-but-but-but- Uunnnhhh . . . 'Kay! Bye. Good morning, Sports Racers , it's Thursday, April 13, Try a B-Beverage That You Haven't Tried Yet Doday, don't drink knowledge with a straw, 'cause you get all messed up. (Moans and rubs his face in slow motion.) You know I do this for you, not those people. They're not our kind...
Topics: cell phone jam, our kind of people, strangers, cell phones, mclellan, hard chargers, at&t...
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Easter bunny, Easter bunny, who's your da-da? It's Friday, April 14, it's been thirty days since I stopped smoking, and knowledge is sick of the gum. I'd like to share this humorous anecdote with you. For years, I've been going to the same Starbucks and I always get the same thing: a grande half-caf. So today I went in, and I ordered my regular. It turned out that the barista had never seen me before, so he got me a regular coffee ! Ha ha ha! Kill me! Ha! Kill me! Ha ha ha ha ha! Kill me now!...
Topics: humorous anecdote, batista, generals, rumsfeld, resignation, camp, mclellan, balzac, alcohol,...
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Britney Spears! To be honest with you, today I feel crappy. "To be honest with you". "Frankly". "Actually". "Really". Suspicious. Why do you say these things? Instead of alerting people when we're about to tell the truth we should have phrases that alert people when we're about to lie. "No! To be totally full of shit, I love goin' shoe shopping with you". "To be perfectly dishonest, I love this job." Good morning Sports Racers, it's...
Topics: lying, to be dis-honest with you, paying taxes, african eel, pay pal text messages, federlines,...
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Did you know that testes are surrounded by the <tunica vaginalis>? I don't think so. Good morning sports racers! It's Tuesday, April 18th. There is a new guy at starbucks that really creeps me out. He keeps repeating what I say only louder. Ze: "Can I have a grande half caf please?"New Guy at Starbucks: "GRANDE! Half Caf! You got it!" In a perfect world, you and I probably wouldn't exist. So let's not hope for one. Start stalking copies of 1984 in the political...
Topics: starbucks, perfect world, something from the comments, fantasizing aside, sex education, driving...
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Good morning- Good morning space- Good morning Sports Racers, it's Wednesday, April 19, and this (holds up stuffed duck) is a duckie. Some of you have asked what it is that I "do." What do you mean by "do?" When people ask what you do, normally it means, "How do you make money?" I do this for you, but don't worry, someday I'll be a corporate whore, and we'll both look back on today and say, "What were we thinking?" Oil prices hit a record high, topping...
Topics: exon, corporate whore, oil, scott mclellan, shakeup, rove, dirty space news, decider, rumsfeld, hu,...
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(Ze sings) Cheery, cheery, bright and cheery, all the duckies far and neary, burn them , burn them . (Ze stops singing) Good morning Sports Racers, it's Thursday, April 20. Will somebody explain to me why after I eat hot food my butt burns, while other people don't experience this at all? Knowledge knows, but won't tell me. I'd like to share with you a funny anecdote. When I was in line today at Starbucks, the barista told the person who was in front of me that I order Grande Half- because I...
Topics: butt burns, funny anecdote, something from the neighborhood, baby, assholes, group power moves,...
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(The opening screen lingers for an unusually long time.) (Ze's head pokes up from the lower right of the screen.) (Strange voice) Hello! (Low Tom-Waits-esque voice) Morning, Sports Racers, it's Friday, April twenty-one, and knowledge tried to squeeze my pimples, (points) but it didn't work. I apologize for a correction. On Wednesday the 19th, I reported, "Mark Bullock at the Southwest Research Institute in Boulder, Colorado..." The report should have been as follows. "Mark...
Topics: pimples, yahoo farechase, yahoo china arrest, optical illusion, phillips sprayfart, doormen strike,...
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Good morning Sports Racers, it's Monday April twenty-fourth. It's come to my attention that a significant number of new viewers log on each day. Sure, they've heard the buzzzz but do they know what the show is really about? Hi new viewer! Each day on the show I use the random contents of my pockets to re-enact the subtext of an Arthur Miller play. Today: A View From The Bridge. (Keyring): "Oh Eddie, what have you done?" (Small Tin): "I wanna sleep with my niece." Are the new...
Topics: miller, bridge, enron, ken lay, pornography, attorney general, alberto gonzales, iran, comments,...
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Morning, it's Tuesday April 25th - Put Funny Things Down Your Pants Day. Knowledge had a gogurt and is feeling a little "urpy". World of Warcraft, the massively multiplayer online game is having server problems as well as malfunctions in its billing system. In a messageboard run by Blizzard Entertainment, the maker of World of Warcraft, frustrated nerd 'Edar' writes: [Parodied nerd voice] I guess I can kiss my... player vs. player rank.... goodbye. Perhaps now this weekend some lucky...
Topics: world of warcraft, bush, sliding, polls, tony snow, power move, logo, immigration, poop
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Hi first-time viewer.On this show we learn how to pronounce words both with and without consonants.Todays category: sexually transmitted diseases. are the new viewers gone yet? Good morning Sports Racers, it's Wednesday April 26th. Knowledge told the baristas in Starbucks what my name is and now I have to participate in banter. [Begin Starbucks footage] [End Starbucks footage] [whispering] I missed you this weekend. On Wednesday, Iran's supreme leader, the Ayatollah Ali Khameini [Picture of...
Topics: new viewer, sexually transmitted diseases, lying, polygraph, snow, dogs, iran, oil
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[A video intro with music and the words "Those Brooklyn Stairs" flashing over images of stairs. The words "with ZEFRANK" appear at the bottom of the screen.] Hi new viewer! Welcome to "Those Brooklyn Stairs". Today we're going to be spending some time with these dilapidated stairs, and we're even gonna meet the man who's gonna fix them. These stairs have certainly seen better days! To me, stairs aren't just stairs. Each one is a small, intimate floor that you have...
Topics: rove, pasty-ass, me, stairs, amanda congdon, numbers, today, kerri's logo
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Yeah! wuhuhuh. I didn't sleep last night, I'm - cranky. I'm feeling like I don't like people. Not you. I know you. You know I know you. I know the you you know. You know, you. The you I know knows I know you. Now I know you know I know you. Good morning Sportsracers, it's Friday April 28th, the sign in Knowledge's bathroom says "Employees must wash hands" but it says nothing about smearing shit on your chest. S-s-s-something from the comments. aimee writes "Ze, face it, you hair...
Topics: poop, sudan, quotes, highschool, exxon, rocketboom, smearing
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Good morning Sports racers , it's Monday May first, otherwise known as Day [sic: May?] Day, keep the noise down, buy some flowers, and be extra nice, Knowledge just got its (muted, slurred) period. You're probably having your (muted, slurred) period. So they user-tested that Atheist videogame that I showed on Friday, and, unfortunately they told me that it makes a lot of, (shaking head) children, cry. But I'm no quitter, here's a follow-up called Buddhist. You can walk around and say things,...
Topics: EFF, Arlen Specter, Dirty Space News, Something From the Comments, State's Secret Privilege
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Ze: [Rambling] Good morning, sports racers it's Tuesday May second since I've seen you last I've slept for 220 minutes taken one rumple dumpskin and my average speed has been over 100 miles an hour. Join me as knowlege gets closer and closer to throwing up. CUT to Ze in a seat on a passenger plane Ze: Today I flew to france. CU Ze: Air France gets a sports racer thumbs up. It's like a French theme park in the sky! Extreme CU Ze: They even talk funny. Extreme CU (upangle) Air France Airline...
Topics: awesomeness, shit tired, coffee, sissy, french toilets, douche
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[French woman]: Voici un video podcast de bloggeur Ze Frank. Pour plus renseignements visitez double-ve double-ve double-ve point zefrank point com, slash zeshow Double-ve double-ve double-ve Good morning Sports Racers it's Wednesday May 3rd, I've got a peanut-butter sandwich, some doritos and a granola bar and I'd trade it all for a bag of Knowledge. S-s-s-something from the comments. Ed Rayne from the UK writes... (Ze in a London accent) "Seriously, why do Americans find Europe so...
Topics: space, satellites, laser, Amadou Ly, something from the neighborhood, something from the comments,...
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Good morning Sports Racers, it's Thursday May 4. Let's cut the crap and get right to knowledge. S-s-s-something from the comments: Sarcomical writes Today I slept 'til 1:30 and then I went for a walk. All the latest fashions are on the promenade. Men's clogs are making a comeback. Then I went to the beach to see some breasts. The private beaches have lots of little grains of sand. The poor people beaches have fewer but bigger grains of sand. Evolution says our distant ancestors crawled out of...
Topics: intelligent design, turdurken, something from the comments, fashion
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Good morning Sports Racers. It's Friday May 5th. I'll bring the schnitzel if you grab a weiner; tomorrow knowledge goes to Austria. S-s-s-something from the comments, yes yes! Joel writes That hurt my feelings. ( Sings ) Grab a weiner. And now for a Tuesday Tip, three days late, with Chelsea Peretti. [Chelsea]: "Don't let your kid sit on this" According to the World Conservation Union red list of threatened species, two out of every five species on the planet that have been assessed...
Topics: anti-intellectualism, death by meteor, meteor, myspace, wallup, attorney general, tom riley,...
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[Opening, music [anyone recognize the tune? please share with the rest of the class] plays whilst Ze sits on a couch next to a rubber duckie looking perplexed. Shots cut between the couch, the duckies and perplexed Ze. Ze rocks back and, glancing towards the duckies . Good morning Sports Racers, it's Monday May 8th, the kick-off to 'touch yourself in the shower week'. Grab a loofah and a bonnet de douche 'cause Knowledge wants to watch. On Saturday, I flew to Vienna, Austria. In the airport I...
Topics: merkel, bush, cheney, putin, gay, duckies, gay celebrities, austrian arrow, the quiet one, home...
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Hi new viewer, welcome to Simple German Phrases. Today's phrases can be used in a garden picnic: Wo ist mein Löffel? - Where is my spoon? Die Himbeeren sind lecker - The raspberries are tasty. Ich habe einen Schraubenzieher in meinem Arsch verloren - I lost a screwdriver in my ass. [whispers] Are the new viewers gone yet...? Good morning Sports Racers it's Tuesday May 9th - Wanna wear a cape and a funny hat and not feel a sissy follow me 'cause knowledge is going to Spain. I'm hungover and...
Topics: throw up, duckies, sex toys, ken burns, walk, signs
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Good morning Sports Racers. It's Wednesday, May 10. I'm in Barcelona, tired, lonely, and I miss Katie Couric's teeth. This morning I took another flight on Austrian Arrows. I had to wait in line, so I felt like throwing up. This plane was called the Fokker 100. "Fokker". heehee. hee. hee. hee, "Fokker". The long-armed lady has a really slanty head. I don't think Alberto Gonzalez would want this image online. Airplanes have really little wheels. It reminds me of those guys at...
Topics: standing in the street and uploading, austrian arrow, viagra, magritte, sarcastic barcelona...
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Papa, I am coming back to America soon. Morning, Sports Racers! It’s Thursday May eleventh. Grab a tiny fork and put some reading material next to the toilet, ‘cause Knowledge likes Tapas. Mama, I’ll see you soon and we’ll eat slices of orange cheese. S-s-s-something from the comments! Really! Edward Guglielmino writes ‘I want to give you a record deal pls email me asap’ Awesome! At first, I was a little suspicious, but then I saw you had a MySpace page, so I know it’s for real!...
Topics: how do you work this thing, abramoff, giant baby, jeb bush, comments, insurance, distancing language
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OVER BLACK: HOW TO HIDE / A Practical Guide SUPERIMPOSE: 1. GOOD HIDING SUPERIMPOSE: 2. OKAY HIDING SUPERIMPOSE: 3. BAD HIDING (whispering) Are the new viewers gone yet? Good morning Sports Racers, it's Friday May twelfth. This weekend Knowledge returns to America; let's start this shit up. (to a beat) Any individual entity that presumes to understand the rules that guide this space is under an illusion. Bonnet-de-douche, buppa-bonnet-de-douche. OH writes, "When people start typing...
Topics: massive sissies, hard chargers, Pelosi, NSA, T-Dog, Lott, Bush, this enemy, comments
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Good morning Sports Racers it's Monday May 15th. I haven't slept in 2 days and my head feels like a dog's balls. It's not really Su-- it's --- (moan) It's not really Monday, it's Sunday, Sports Racers, but I'll be flying tomorrow. In hindsight I would've booked a later flight. ( Song ) Now pretend to speak FrenchJe-ba-ba-be-deux-me-learh-learghfeuu Ze 1: What was the best part of your day, Ze? Ze 2: Maybe when I was about to take off in an airplane and they said that the wing flaps didn't work....
Topics: hindsight, tired, delta
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Good morning, Sports Racers . It's Tuesday May 16th. Knowledge is back in America. Don't give an aspirin, let's let that fever burn. S-s-s-somethin' from the comments . Conn Conn writes, "I dont feel like a full fledged member of the league of awesomeness . Is there a way i can feel this way? [ sic ]" Conn Conn, I believe you speak for many. Let's ask the League of Awesomeness. ( wowowo sound effect) (Envelope appears suddenly) It says right here that the League of Awesomeness has a...
Topics: find the opposite tool, if the earth were a sandwich, bush, immigration, say the opposite,...
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Good morning, Sports Racers, it's Wednesday, May 17. Knowledge says, "If the earth were a sandwich, we would all be one. Sandwich." S-s-s-something from the comments! Mo writes, "Sorta over the songs, Ze. Please move away from the anti-intellectual verbal diarrhea paired with tunes." CNN reports that Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has rejected a possible European offer for incentives, including a light water nuclear reactor in return for giving up its uranium...
Topics: tony snow, tarbaby, NSA, Verizon, BellSouth, DARPA, iran, giant rich baby, comments, unmanned...
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Good morning Sports Racers, it's Thursday May 18th. Knowledge gave a walnut to a tar-baby and now papa has some brand new shoes. My video camera's all busted and I'm cranky. The dirty edition. A new study in perspectives in psychiatric care finds that innernetadic... intern... [makes face] innernetadi innernetadi... A new study in perspectives in psychiatric care finds that internet addiction is a serious problem affecting 5 to 10 percent of all surfers. Researchers say that the addiciton can...
Topics: so tired i want to puke, ney, cunningham, pillows, playboys, gross ze...that's gross, wikipedia,...
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Hi new viewer, welcome to how to quit smoking, the easy way. By following these simple steps you can quit smoking too. In order to quit you have to start. See? It's easy. Are the new viewers gone yet? GMSRs, it's Friday May nineteenth, knowledge would like to thank boingboing dot net for raising awareness for the "if the earth were a sandwich"-project, the most promising team so far in Spain and New Zealand. CNN reports that President Bush and the Senate are moving forward on a...
Topics: how to quit smoking, boingboing.net, immigration reform, mexico is our friend, tyranny, telly...
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Good afternoon Sports Racers, it's Monday May 22nd, knowledge has a camera that's playing "I'm a little bitch and I'm broke and go rent a camera that was probably used for porn." (Accented strange voice) Faster, faster, you must go faster. I like it, I like it, I like it. S-s-s-something from the comments. Kitty writes, "Hey Ze can you sing the rules for the King Of The Comments?" (Sulky face) I dunno, I didn't have much time today, my camera busted. (Tiny chuckle, funny...
Topic: such a bummer.
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Good morning sports racers, it's Tuesday May 23rd, knowledge made you a little treat! Here's a hint, try clicking on the King! (Singing) Who is the King of the Comments? Each day this week, King of the Comments will work a little bit differently. How long can you stay King? S-s-s-something from the comments! "Anonymous girl" writes, "I find I need to buy the t-shirt to make any experience real. So, are you going to sell Sports Racer T-shirts or what?" Anonymous, like you I...
Topics: bush, blair, states secret privilege, shirts, ringtones, nasa, gonzales, freedom of the press
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Good morning Sports Racers . It's Wednesday May 24th. Tomorrow is the 50th installment of the show and knowledge reminds us that because our society has chosen base 10 we place arbitrary value in its multiples. S-s-s-somethin' from the comments. Sadly writes, "I'm missing how much I used to love this 'show'. To bad the comments have become more important than the content." Yeah, me too. I remember back when I didn't even know who you were. I miss those days. ( Song ) You know someday...
Topics: ken lay, signing statements, amnesty international, angry fruit salad, water boarding skis
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Hi New Viewer. Welcome to Virtual Interventions. Someone who cares about you has sent you this link because you are drinking too much/use drugs to avoid pain/talk like a baby when addressing animals/use idiot marketspeak like 'massclusive'/are bad at the sex/give shitty presents/order foreign food items using the pronunciation of their country of origin/use transparent techniques to try and hide the fact you're smelling your finger/laugh by yourself in order to get attention/are too...
Topics: power law, speech and debate clause, separation of powers, william jefferson, fbi, wonder twins,...
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Good morning sports racers it's Friday May 26th. Knowledge saw Al Gore speak last night and is now convincedthat he needs to lose some weight. He's tubby!Oh yeah, and we need to get on that global warming thing. In the wake of last year's devastation, New Orleans is still struggling to get back on its feet.Despite setbacks earlier this year New Orleans went ahead with a scaled-down Mardi Gras. The New Orleans Mardi Gras is similar to its French cousin but we've added some improvements, like...
Topics: katrina, hastert, cans, mardi gras, hiding, web 0.2
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Good asshole Sports Ra— Asshole? Who wrote this? For me managing this team is like . . . ordering soup. Flavors, mulligatawny, barley, there's so many diff— tomato, uh . . . I hate fucking soup. Okay, roll call, no talking. Benny, Marc; Ethel, Shakina — nice shoes; uh Bobo twins, anyone seen the Bobo twins? (Angry) Those Bobo twins! John Junior, check. J.J. . . . oh that's you. John Junior, I get it, yeah. So who are you? No talking. Yeah, sign it. Pointing? Your name is point— no,...
Topics: no more KOC, for now, the process, bobo twins, roll call, talking, not talking, iran, summer jamz
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(wears cowboy hat during team meeting) Alright, brainstorm, no talking. Anyone? Ethel, always first. (gets note) This just says enn ee, ah: you ran out of room and the rest is written on the couch, double u ess: news, you wanna talk about the news, 'kay. Better than last time. Anyone else, Bobo twins! Contributing, (gets note) aha, it's crumpled: "Ze is a dick, Jayjay wrote this" with the words Bobo twins crossed off above it. Alright, Condalosah wants to do something on animals, so...
Topics: brainstorm, rabbits, helen thomas, tony snow, vagina, evangelical
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Good morning Sports Racers it's Thursday June first, "race someone you don't know down the hall at the office" day, knowledge says "order a cappucino with extra foam and smear it on your nipples 'cause summer's here!" New York, fabuloso! What is this crazy life we lead? I don't wanna die... Later today I'm gonna clean my apartment because my cleaning lady's coming. Sports Racers eat tuna fish before they go to the dentist. More difficult jobs are more satisfying. (zzp) The...
Topics: haditha, starbucks, life, death, leading following, the blind
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Good morning Sports Racers it's Friday June second next Friday's show'll be created by you. Details on Monday. Knowledge reminds us that there's more than one way to skin a cat. But from the cat's perspective they all suck. News from the neighborhood. It's just like the internet: fabuloso. In my neighborhood there's places you can find respectable news sources. You can read the headlines for free but then you have to put up with all those annoying ads. But if you pay money you can read the news...
Topics: carrot stick, copy boy, real life, democracy, iran, nuclear, cnn, iraq, marines
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( sings ) If you write everything and supply the pictures, I'll do it. Click on the Friday Fabuloso link to contribute. Keep it under three minutes it might get confusing but remember there's no winning only losing. ( sings ) Good afternoon Sports Racers it's Monday June five, let's spend a couple of minutes together until both of us feel less alone. Hmm! Knowledge says it's "get annoyed at trivial things" day, but knowledge should buy its own pens and stop fucking chewing on mine....
Topics: ethics, meaningless products, fabuloso friday, downer
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Good morning Sports Racers it's tuesday June sixth-th, knowledge says don't eat with your mouth full unless your mouth is full of knowledge. I'm urpy. (burps. a lot.) Excuuse me. I don't feel good . I'm not sure but I think I might be... an adult. I can tell by the way people look at me, and don't look at me. Someone the other day told me I should act more like one, but I don't even know what it is. What's an adult? I blame it on my parents, they caught it before I was even born. When I break...
Topics: apocalypse 2.0, parties, teenage mutant ninja turtles, adult, gross ze noone wants to watch that,...
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Good morning Sports Racers it's wednesday June seventh knowledge says it's "Shudder briefly when you suddenly remember an embarrassing moment from your past before your rational mind shoves it back into your subconscious"-day. (shudder) (singing, sped up) Thank God for avoidance, it's built in, evolutionarily it helps us win! S-s-s-something from the comments. Markus writes: "Wow, I'd love to buy one of your shirts but they are way too expensive." Markus the shirts aren't...
Topics: gay, same sex ban, t-shirts, making money, not making money, jeffersonian democracy, wikipedia,...
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Hi new viewer, you've been sent this link because your intimate partner wants to take things up a notch. Your intimate partner wants to spent more time with you. Wants to know more about what you like and don't like. Wants to share everything . New viewer, stop watching. Call your intimate partner and just say: "yes, I accept". Then hang up. The rest will just work itself out. Good morning Sports Racers it's thursday June eighth knowledge took a Nyquil last night and Blalalalalaaaah....
Topics: craters, al-Zarqawi, culture war, german kid, fabuloso friday, barry bonds, brangelina, immigrants
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Comment on the final script here [ Ze is sitting in an armchair, wearing a smoking jacket, a fake moustache, with his hair dyed a garish color, stroking both his cats, and puffing on a bubble pipe while looking thoughtfully into the distance. On the table next to him sits a small rotating globe and bread slices at opposite sides. A rubber duck and a framed photo of Clarence Thomas sit discreetly on the shelf in the background. He turns to camera. ] Ze: Hi, new viewer. Welcome to Fabuloso...
Topics: 3 minutes?, a couple mess ups, fabuloso, world cup, same sex marriage ban, jupiturd, caffeine,...
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Good morning Sportsracers it's monday June twelfth knowledge is on the road this week, currently Minneapolis. (interior airplane) On sunday I flew in an airplane, it was awesome. In the bathroom they even had a fold-down table where you can pet your weird-looking duck after it made a poop. The girl sitting next to me was doing word searches. Word search is a game where your brain gets momentary satisfaction by imposing order on a seemingly disorganized array of symbols. Since my neighbor...
Topics: minneapolis, target, symbols, word search, puzzles, ducks making poop, gonzales t-shirts, earth...
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Good morning Sportsracers it's tuesday June thirteenth suck my soul out and replace it with Diet Coke and Grand Marnier 'cause knowledge is going to Vegas. S-s-s-something from the comments. Prince writes: "Not just a lot of white people in Minnesota. You need to drive around take a boat out on the lakes and visit two of the best art museums in the country. So much to do and everyone is cool. Everyone." Prince, I don't think you understand what the word cool means. Going to art...
Topics: minneapolis, cool, nice, coffee, art museums, boat rides, divorce, world cup, appetizers, pasta,...
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(In hotel room, wearing a Du Pont motorsports baseball cap) Woo. Lalalatay. Good morning Sportsracers it's Wednesday June 14th, knowledge is in Vegas. Baby. They have a saying in Vegas. They say "nice hat, asshole". You hear it all the time, everywhere. I'm not really sure what it means, but that's Vegas, baby. On the airplane coming here I ate a ham sandwich. I was eating flying pig. Both the pig and I were miles above our natural context. What normally would have been a plain ham...
Topics: baby, vegas, mirror, when pigs fly, new york, fabuloso, context, no context, George Trow, luxor, $3...
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G-g-good morning Sports racers it's Thursday June 15, I'm so tired everything makes me g-g-giggle. Look a beef stick. Heh, holy shit that tastes like ass. I'm still in Vegas and the fun just doesn't stop. (Kill me now, kill me, kill me.) Beef stick: tastes like cat food smells. Prrrresident Bush came back from Iraq as happy as a young boy who had just discovered his first pubic hairrr "I'm a man now daddy" I remember that day After a surprise visit with prime minister Maliki president...
Topics: bush, iraq, beefstick, plans, not plans, justice, guantanamo, curfew, blondie, tides, raised in the...
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(Rubs eyes, sighs. Holds up micro ketchup bottle.) I feel like a giant. Morning Sports racers , friday june, fif--sixteenth. Ooof. Knowledge is I'm craaazy. Yeahyeah. S-s-s-something from the comments. Joseph writes: "You're slacking there Ze. You haven't made me laugh in a week." Shush. No more talking. (Flipping through phonebook) Joseph... I don't see your name in the League of Awesomeness . Maybe you're in the Reserves. Oh there you are. Joseph: Annoying prick . You know, Joseph,...
Topic: ok...you win.
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If a duckie and a baby rabbit fought to the death who would win? Good morning Sportsracers it's monday june nineteenth knowledge says it's summer in New York a time when women's breasteses magically reappear after a winter of hibernation. A time when auto makers can show off the solar heating properties of their black leather upholstery. A time when the man sandal proves that we shouldn't be allowed to dress on our own. A time when any part of your body that consists of two large globes of...
Topics: google, the good looking one, brinn, gay pride week, one bad ass kid, your bare asses, LOA...
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Good morning Sportsracers it's Tuesday, June twentieth. Knowledge says "duct tape a gerbil and shove--" What? I sold out? But I don't have any money. Oh, shit, like Hootie and the Blowfish? Oh I get it, like how I found Celine Dion cooler when I didn't know she was white. Shit what can I do? OK I'll do that! Oh yeah. Crap. Dammit! Well why don't I take a poll and see what the community wants me to do? CNN reports that president Bush seen here flirting with Tinkerbell has no immediate...
Topics: babies, poop, politics, bonesaw compliant, sort of, iraq, pullout, sell out, buy in, hootie and the...
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Good morning Sports Racers it's wednesday June twenty first wipe down the seat after you sprinkle 'cause knowledge got some mail! It's like a paper version of an email except you can't change the font! Delta Airlines! Yeah! No, it's a letter informing me that they're not gonna pay up. Yeah! Remember? Delta's motto is "Go fuck yourself". Nah, I'm just reading into it. Mindless Delta drone number two thousand and five Susan, pictured here - oops that's a picture of dried dog crap -...
Topic: institutional recourse
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Hi new viewer, welcome to approximate bird calls, today the american kestrel. Hoooo'aa'ooooo'aa'uuh. Close enough. Are the new viewers gone yet? Good morning Sports Racers it's thursday june twenty two knowledge shark reef. K'rrrrrr. Attention deficit disorder's on the rise. More and more people are being prescribed Ritalin. Tzzzt. Young children are being exposed to media sources that may contribute to this decline in attention span. Tzzzt. They're being exposed to fleeting messages sometimes...
Topics: ADD, media, gates, vote? what vote?, kermit
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Good morning Sports Racers it's friday June twenty three knowledge is sweaty and bringing the boomwow. According to CNN the government's bitch AT&T removed a key reference from its previous privacy policy which had said the company quote "does not access read upload or store data contained in or derived from private files without members' authorization". AT&T initially said that the clause was included elsewhere in the policy but CNN was unable to reveal any such reference....
Topics: snow, voting rights act, lynn, not a girl, a boy, fabuloso, chess, at&t, streamlining
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Good morning Sports Racers it's Monday June twenty-sixth I missed you this weekend pluck a nose hair to try to stay awake 'cause knowledge has the Monday gloomies. Blaah blaah. It's like the whole week has to happen before I get to miss you again. I bet I even get a paper cut today. I bet my toilet gets clogged and I step in poop water. And I run out a toilet paper and I have to use my sock. And something unexpected'll happen and I'll realize I've been worrying about the wrong thing. Maybe I...
Topics: buffet, gloomy, moody, gates, snow, treasury, swift, not denying i set me nipples on fire, didn't...
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Ha, you have 51 friends Ze Frank(ring) Hi new viewer, welcome to conversing with telemarketers. If a telemarketer calls, use one of the following tactics: One...one. Use a husky. One, use a husky dirty phone sex voice but ask...One, use hu. One, use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer. Two, in an excited voice, say thank god you called, explain that your online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call disguised as an asshole....
Topics: telemarketing, abuse of power
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Good morning sports racers it's Wednesday June twenty-eighth smear it on and feel it tingle 'cause knowledge is addicted to medicated lip balm. (smearing) Uh, uh that's good. That's good stuff. Today sports racer Muyfabuloso introduced me to chessboxing, the thinking man's contact sport. Chessboxing is where players alternate between playing rounds of chess and beating the living shit out of each other. According to the New York Times Iran's supreme religious leader ayatolly Ali Khameini...
Topics: iran, hair, snow, basket, khameini, bush, banks, confirming, denying, perfect circles
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mblwhee ouhhhhhh oh god Good morning Sports Racers , it's Thursday June 29 Pretend You're Happy Day - squeeze your thumb and index finger together and make a funny gesture in the air, because knowledge needs the check! [Waving gesture in air] Is it like making a check mark, or is it a fake signature? I just don't know! I learned it by watching you! It has come to my attention that each day, someone or maybe someones is transcribing the show! That's awesome! You're transcribing so I don't have...
Topics: spector, aol, child pornography, wedge strategy, putin, gonzales, trancribing, oooaaaeeewwhhhthpt
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Good morning sports racers its Friday, June 30th. Another week of our lives has passed us by, at this rate we will be done in no time. Knowledge says it's give a thumbs up sign to random strangers don't pat them on the ass it's creepy day. But make sure you look them in the eyes. "What are you doing this weekend" According to sociologists at "doook!" [Duke] University the increased use of the internet is contributing to a drastic decline in the number of close friends that...
Topics: meugly, doook, bad for society, good friends, serious discussions, i knows me some ugly myspace...