thank you so much for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. please, enough. here organization heroes, all. nation, you know if you watch this show that i have always respected "people" magazine. ( laughter ) as a reliable news source. never forget-- they were the only ones to break the story of richard gere's sin mop-- cinnamon rolls. but now the old glossy, multicolored lady has done the unthinkable. in their annual sexiest man alive issue, they have bestowed the crown on bradley cooper. yeah, i know, i know. i'm angry, too. ( laughter ) sexy? please! is that a man a horse take a dump at a wig factory? ( applause ) i don't get it, people? why! why did you pick him? just because he can speak french? ( speaking french ) oh, big deal! anybody can do that. oui, oui. it's easy. just listen to this interview answer right in here on the little interview page. when they ask him, what makes you laugh?" he says, "observing life. life is very comical. people trip

>> stephen: this is stephen colbert's "bears and balls." (cheers and applause) first up on "bears and balls," a lot of investors are running scared but there's one investment guaranteed to retain its value,, bow la monkeys. no? magic beans. no? celebrity relics. yes. celebrity relics. everybody wants dorothy's ruby slippers, madonna's cone bra, or j. edgar hoovers ruby slippers and cone bra. (laughter) but if you really want to make a chunk of change on celebrities, you need a chunk of celebrity. case in point: john lennon's abscessed tooth recently fetched more than $31,000 at auction. (audience reacts) and i'm sure john lennon would approve of the buying and selling of body parts. when he sang "i want to hold your hand" he never said it had to be attached to his body. and, folks, there's never been a better time invest in things that fall off celebrities. for instance, i am proud to offer this baby food jar full of danny devito's doe nail clippings. (audience reacts) i got them with nothing more than a pain of clippers, a rag, and a jar o

. >> stephen: is it hit sfler >> no. >> stephen: not ketchup hitler. >> no, not ketchup hitler. >> stephen: okay. i want to talk to people who can make some decisions. >> we can't do that for you. >> no. >> stephen: why am i talking to you two? >> they came to consensus within the press group that we would be two people who would be good to talk to but we're just here as autonomous individuals. >> stephen: so who speaks for the movement? >> no one. >> stephen: do it. >> >> what i'm there to do.... >> stephen: speak for everybody. >> i can't. >> stephen: yes, you can. >> this is a temperature check.... >> stephen: a temperature check? >> that's right. >> stephen: will recallly or rectally. >> stephen: >> if people agree they deal this. >> stephen: so retackily. >> if they disagree and not feeling it they'll do this. >> stephen:? why >> because we want to gauge if we're getting close to consensus >> stephen: i see a lot of anti-corporate stuff down there. what's your beef with successful people? >> i look around at the world that i'm in and i don't like what i see because i'd like to live in

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. great to have you with us. please, we've got to get to the news. it's too good. folks. frequent shoppers of this show know that i was an early fan of rick perry. and my man's had a rough start. and a pretty bad restart. but now he's ready to re-restart with this great new ad. >> his dad was a tenant farmer. his wife, a nurse. rick perry served in the air force, then came home to farm cotton. a solid conservative, perry's balanced every budget, passed major lawsuit reform, cut 15 billion in spending. the result: one million new jobs. rick perry conservative leadership that work its. >> make us great again is responsible for the content of this ad. >> stephen: wow! (laughter) i mean who's to the going to like rick perry after that. i'm pretty sure that old lady there is barbara bush. (laughter) whispering i wish you were my son. great, great campaign ad but that ad was not made by the perry campaign. it was created by the make us great again superpac, an important

. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to our continuing coverage of no shave november. i want you to know after that warm greeting, not only are you welcome here, you are first here. nation-- (applause) it's no surprise i am addicted to all the republican presidential candidates. they are like crack, in that they will devastate black communities. and folks, i got my fix on saturday with yet another debate. this time sponsored by cbs. the big news was that a woman was mistreated and herman cain had nothing to do with it. you see, minnesota congresswoman michele bachmann's campaign is crying foul because bachmann was slated to appear on a post debate show for cbs. cbs's new political director john dickerson was informed of this in an e-mail from his producer, and responded by writing, let's keep it loose, in the hopes we can get someone else because bachmann was not going to get many questions in the debate since her low poll numbers weren't nearly o

. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to our continuing coverage of no shave november. i want you to know after that warm greeting, not only are you welcome here, you are first here. nation-- (applause) it's no surprise i am addicted to all the republican presidential candidates. they are like crack, in that they will devastate black communities. and folks, i got my fix on saturday with yet another debate. this time sponsored by cbs. the big news was that a woman was mistreated and herman cain had nothing to do with it. you see, minnesota congresswoman michele bachmann's campaign is crying foul because bachmann was slated to appear on a post debate show for cbs. cbs's new political direcr john dickerson was informed of this in an e-mail from his producer, and responded by writing, let's keep it loose, in the hopes we can get someone else because bachmann was not going to get many questions in the debate since her low poll numbers weren't nearly off

(crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much. a very special welcome to the seventh level magic users out there. (laughter) nation, i will get right to the big news. herman cain is under attack. this is a dark, dark day for america. and i'm not just saying that because he's, you know... (laughter) american. (laughter) of course, when you're top in the polls, the media digs through your past. it's not fun but it beats being john huntsman. no one's even digging through his present. and now comes trumped-up charges that when cain was head of the national restaurant association he harassed female employees with gestures that were not overtly sexual but made the women uncomfortable. (laughter) all right. naturally i assume the gesture was something innocuous like... (laughter) it could be anything. incidentally, that's also a great way to get out of juror duty. (laughter) well, last night herman cain went on greta van susteren to herman van explain hipltsz. jim? >> i made a gesture saying oh... i was standing close to her and i made a

welcome to the report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. it's good to have you with us. thank you, everybody. a big happy birthday to everyone, school committee mean everyone, who is having a birthday tonight. ( laughter ) ( applause ) some time in late winter must be a good time for parents to get busy. nation, i'm sad to say that once again, the big news is the sexual harassment charges against republican presidential candidate hermain cain. so, parents, if any children are watching, please tell them how intercourse works in graphic detail. , so they understand what i'm about to talk about. ( laughter ). are they crying yet? are you? then you didn't go into enough detail. ( laughter ) folks, let's all remember that cain is accusing of doing nothing more than approaching female employees with personal questions of a sexually suggestive nature and making hand gestures that were not overtly sexual but that made women who witnessed them uncomfortable. ( laughter ) folks, these decades-old allegations against

(laughter) >> stephen: that's the nicest honeymoon gift.... >> stephen: have you ever hostd? >> i've never hosted. >> stephen: you should host, man. >> thank you, that's not quite how it works. >> stephen: you don't need those outside guest hosts! that's an insult to you cast members. that's like lorne saying "you're not funny enough, you can't host this show." >> of all the lorne i impressions i've heard over the years.... >> stephen: yes? >> that's right in the middle. (laughter and applause) it's the equator of lorne impressions. >> i've got to work on it. >> it had a nice british feel. >> stephen: i've never met the man. well, our worlds don't cross. >> no, they don't cross. probably why i haven't been asked to host. (audience reacts) >> stephen: do >> do you think you'd make a good host? >> stephen: you tell me, you're the head writer. >> do you do characters? >> stephen: yeah, see? yeah... >> who is that? who is that? (laughter) snoop. >> stephen: hold on. (laughter) i'm robert de niro see, meh. i run the town, meh. that's my detier roe. that >> that's if de niro had a

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i know when news breaks your first reaction is how is stephen going to handle this one. (laughter) so let's get right to the story everyone's talking about. ghost sex. (laughter) a family in ohio claims that ghosts are having sex in their house. (laughter) and were captured on a cell phone camera. now i want to warn you, this photo is graphic. so if you have any ghost children in the room, please shield their eyes, jim. there it is. pretty sick stuff. that clearly looks like ghosts having sex. but when it comes to para normal activity i always maintain a healthy skepticism because i'm a taurus. and folks, i'm not the only one out there, so does the travel channel's premier ghostologist and host of the dead files, amy allen. as she told the huffington post, quotes, i have never seen two dead people who were conscious entities having intercourse. i have heard of people having sex with ghosts, but not this. (la

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. great to have you with us. please, we've got to get to the news. it's too good. folks. frequent shoppers of this show know that i was an early fan of rick perry. and my man's had a rough start. and a pretty bad restart. but now he's ready to re-restart with this great new ad. >> his dad was a tenant farmer. his wife, a nurse. rick perry served in the air force, then came home to farm cotton. a solid conservative, perry's balanced every budget, passedajor lawsuit reform, cut 15 billion in spending. the result: one million new jobs. rick perry conservative leadership that work its. >> make us great again is responsible for the content of this ad. >> stephen: wow! (laughter) i mean who's to the going to like rick perry after that. i'm pretty sure that old lady there is barbara bush. (laughter) whispering i wish you were my son. great, great campaign ad but that ad was not made by the perry campaign. it was created by the make us great again superpac, an important d

welcome to the report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. it's good to have you with us. thank you, everybody. a big happy birthday to everyone, school committee mean everyone, who is having a birthday tonight. ( laughter ) ( applause ) some time in late winter must be a good time for parents to get busy. nation, i'm sad to say that once again, the big news is the sexual harassment charges against republican presidential candidate hermain cain. so, parents, if any children are watching, please tell them how intercourse works in graphic detail. , so they understand what i'm about to talk about. ( laughter ). are they crying yet? are you? then you didn't go into enough detail. ( laughter ) folks, let's all remember that cain is accusing of doing nothing more than approaching female employees with personal questions of a sexually suggestive nature and making hand gestures that were not overtly sexual but that made women whowitnessed them uncomfortable. ( laughter ) folks, these decades-old allegations against

captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen, stephen, stephen. >> thank you, welcome to the report, great to you have with us, folks. i'll be with you in a moment. thank you so much. i'll be with you in just a minute. i'm just finishing some on-line holiday shopping, the nice deal on a kindl fire. that will make a great coaster for my ipad. there, and done. with christmas. okay. of course, folks, today is cybermonday, when everybody mobs the on-line stores for the big holiday sales. to beat the rush last night i camped out in front of my computer, waiting for the internet to open. cybermonday is a followup to black friday, the day after thanksgiving when americans awake from their tryptophan-induced coma to trade gluttony for greed. and folks, this weekend with a category five consumeicane with americans spending over $52 billion. nation, this originally of christmas shopping-- orgy of christmas shopping proves america is back. we are once again-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes, oh yes. we are once again spending money we don't have on things we don't need to give to people

stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, so much. report to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation, it's wednesday. and that means it's time for a new g.o.p. front-runner. ( laughter ) jim. >> once given up for political roadkill newt gingrich killing them all. in the latest polling he is the front-runner. >> there is a p.p.p. poll showing newt gingrich, 38, mitt romney 18. >> stephen: it makes sense gingrich is rising. he appears to be the only candidate who appears to be made of dough. newt's campaign got off to a bit of a rocky start. back in june, instead of campaigning in iowa, newt wont a two-week luxury cruise through the greek isle aborn the "seaborn odyssey." in response his staff quit and his donors abandoned him, but yesterday we learned that was no pleasure cruise. it was a pleasure fact-finding mission. as newt explained to iowa voters, "i visited greece in june. i talked to people about what they were faced with in greece, and i listened to them, and i tried to understand that they faced a crisi

>> yes. >> stephen: my pronunciation is good? >> yes. >> stephen: you're a very kind liar. (laughter) okay, now you are tinariwen, correct? >> yes, tinariwen. >> stephen: you are from mali, correct? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: how did t.v. on the radio hook up with nomadic musicians from mali? tunday? >> i think it was in california, actually. we were at... >> stephen: just ran into each other at a starbucks? >> yeah, there's a really awe some deli, we were at a festival together, co-which he will la and been in touch ever since and they invited us to be on their new record. felt really honored to do. >> stephen: all right. now the new record is called it is ally. lola, if you don't mind translating for me, stephen colbert is a very handsome man. >> (laughs) (speaks foreign language) (laughter) >> stephen: thank you. >> they say they can see that. >> stephen: now, had you fellas... had you fellas ever heard of t.v. on the radio? >> yes. (laughter). >> stephen: yes, yes, they had. >> you bead surprised at the reach of western culture. >> stephen: i know the reach of western cultu