david letterman. jimmy fallon. jimmy kimmem. and stephen colbert. that's right! i'm nominated for a people's choice award. i have always wanted to win a people's choice award ever since i heard they still existed. and now folks, my dream may come true. i may finally take home the coveted-- i want to say crystal vagina? i'm not sure what that is, nice, nice, whatever it is. folks, i love it. because this is the only award chosen by the people. finally a show that celebrates america's life of liking things. of course "the colbert report" is a team effort so really this nomination is for everyone on my staff who hosts the show. (laughter) and, and i've got some stiff competition. i respect all of these guys. may the best man win but as a journalist, i would be remiss not to tell you about their sordid past. for starters the jimmies are a personal friends of mine. but did you know that neither of them is really named jimmy? both of them were born james, uh-huh. what else are they lying to you about? and there is no greater fan of david letterman that yours truly but

the nation and around the world, it's the "late show" with david letterman. tonight... plus paul shaffer and the cbs orchestra. i'm alan kalter. and now, covered with three-day grime, david letterman! (cheers and applause)

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. >>> plus see what happens when chris matthews drops in on david letterman. trs ♪ ♪ no two people have the same financial goals. pnc works with you to understand yours and help plan for your retirement. visit a branch or call now for your personal retirement review. still running in the morning? yeah. getting your vegetables every day? when i can. [ bop ] [ male announcer ] could've had a v8. two full servings of vegetables for only 50 delicious calories. it means trying something new. [ woman ] that uncertainty of what's to come. ♪ ♪ . >>> final for your first look at the dish of scrambled politics. u.s. deficit fell in october to almost $92 billion in part because of the lower cost of federal payroll. and here is a blast from the past when the government shut down on this day this 1995. >> we're broke. at midnight, caught in a political battle between president clinton and congress. >> after arizona reopened the grand canyon during the shutdown, the state's congressional delegation is asking for a refund from the national parks service. they want $4

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san francisco congresswoman, nancy pelosi, in "david letterman." the top things you never knew about the house of representatives >>> 19 representatives have gone on to become president. ten have gone ton to manage a siz zers. every month, we are tested for steroids. members tap silverware against water glasses to encourage the house leaders to kiss. the tea party isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds. >> that was classic. >> strong stuff. always a pleasure and always an honor to be on the top ten list and she nailed it. >> i think she even said they have -- the house of representatives has the power to eliminate late night hosts. >> to impeach late night hosts. >> letterman was like, what are you waiting for? >>> we continue to follow breaking news for you. the vehicle listed in a state-wide amber alert has been spotted in southern california. police looking for a newborn baby boy taken from his home in sunnyvale yesterday by his father. bob redell is talking to police right now. he is going to have the very latest details next. >>> and, there are

we'll tell you about obama care going hollywood and stick around for letterman's top ten, pelosi style. getting trapped. getting trapped. why's that? uh, mark? go get help! i have my reasons. look, you don't have to feel trapped with our raise your rate cd. if our rate on this cd goes up, yours can too. oh that sounds nice. don't feel trapped with the ally raise your rate cd. ally bank. your money needs an ally. to share with family. [ woman 2 ] to carry on traditions. [ woman 3 ] to come together even when we're apart. [ male announcer ] in stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and more, swanson makes holiday dishes delicious. see who does good work and compare costs. it doesn't usually work that way with health care. but with unitedhealthcare, i get information on quality rated doctors, treatment options and estimates for how much i'll pay. that helps me, and my guys, make better decisions. i don't like guesses with my business, and definitely not with our health. innovations that work for you. that's health in numbers. unitedhealthcare. life could be hectic. as a working mom of two young

as you saw i was the guest show on "the late show with david letterman." you'll see the interview was off the cuff as they come on late night. here was my conversation about the time in africa with the peace corps. >> i figured i was teaching democracy and capitalism while jake is over in latin america doing the opposite. i felt romantic about it. i hitchhiked through africa like this all alone as a white guy. and i thought it was an experience of a lifetime. everybody who's been in the peace corps say it's the greatest experience of their life. speaking zulu for years. >> do you still speak it? >> yeah, i can still do a little. about halfway through my two years in a bar, i ask fake my way. i got enough of this. it was a tough language. >> and you never know when you're going to have to go into the zulu these days. >> it always comes in handy. very long night, maybe. >> the zulu joking aside, we got to health care. here was that exchange. >> i'm sick of talking about obama care. it's made me physically sick to talk about health care. what happened? what w

exhibit a, and we're going to -- courtesy david letterman here, is this. >> let's check in with governor chris christie on the campaign trail. take a look. >> well, then i have no interest in answering your question. >> first off, it's none of your business. >> your rear end is going to get thrown in jail, idiot. >> let me tell you this. you should really see me when i'm pissed. >> are you stupid? >> chris christie, reasonable republican. >> he does like to point his finger. this got a lot of play over the weekend when he was giving a hard time to one of the teachers who came out to see him. let me ask you both really quickly. does he have the temperament to win the nomination? >> you know, who knows. we'll see. one of the things we know is being in the national spotlight is way different from being even under an intense state spotlight. so we'll see how that is moving forward. we don't know that he's going to run against mrs. clinton. we don't know who's going to run on the republican side. but i think based upon the last 12 hours, that he's probably in the best position of all republic

he stuffed the donut in his mouth on letterman but we will have to answer questions, there will be health questions -- [ talking at the same time ] >> folks like you, all the liberates are praising him -- >> right. >> he is not tea party. [ talking at the same time ] >> the republican establishment -- [ talking at the same time ] >> the number one republican in the country, mitt romney. >> mitt romney likes him. >> he didn't pick him for vp. >> he is a talented guy but already been in brawls. this is going to be a blood bath. and he is going into iowa and places like that -- [ talking at the same time ] >> he has personality. people like people with personality. >> you have to answer all the questions -- [ talking at the same time ] >> okay. okay. >> another race this week. >> thank you. we love you and you are spectacular. >> virginia's new governor. he defeated the state's outgoing attorney general. the race was a bruiser. he has never held elective office. but once led the democratic national committee. for his statewide race he outspent his opponent by $14 million. the attack ads were

so i would like to contribute a few examples of the adventures before us and unlike david letterman, i'm not going to try to put them in any kind of order because each one is crucial. and anyway, they're all just reminders for people in this room. one, women's issues aren't separate from economic issues or vice versa. paying women equally for comparable work done by men would be the biggest economic stimulus this country would possibly have. the institute for women's policy research tells us that paying women of all races equally to white men would put $200 billion more into the economy every year and would be way more effective than propping up banks and wall street because this money would get spent, not put into swiss bank accounts. it would create jobs and help the poorest kids who are those who depend on a mother's income. but do we hear economic stimulus and equal pay in the same sentence? no. i don't think so. and after we do that, we also need to value caregiving work, caregiving work, which is a third of the productive work in this nation at replacement value and make that s

about possible experiences and to make friends at the role it last month so that when your memory loss letterman. people who experienced the war were among the difference. this means is that the gentleman the iron and a working band were keen to speak in a very old and under. i would never want to see another war. by looking into the side. i've always wished for a peaceful where the heroine end of the month i bought. william o'neil scare me not to bolt into a fence to keep it between britain and japan with people from both sides joining in oh no. he says he wants to show young people they even had two bad experiences. and she can grow you like me. i would like to continue it what can and as the box only to younger generations. those who have supported us who experienced the war. aren't going to be here much longer. she and the local elders seek a posting to their task and keep looking up to the memorial as long as they can. he gave back a nice kit world to care. it is time now for a check on the web actually mean tracking to store and seen the western pacific. a geologist by the way tells us the

. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, >> letterman is next with woody harrelson. that's it for us right now. i'm vic carter. >> and

david letterman is excited about chris christie's re-election. >> let's check in with governor chris christie on the campaign trail. take a look. >> i have no interest in answering your question. >> you know what? first off, it's none of your business. >> your rear end will get thrown in jail. >> let me tell you this, you know what? >> you should really see me -- >> chris christie, reasonable republican. >>> my favorite game show, the price is right. one contestant couldn't contain her excitement about getting on stage withdrew carey. >> ahh! yeah! ye yes! ah! whew! oh, i love you! i love him! oh, my god! thank you so much! >> the wig looks good. that's a good-looking wig. >> we good now? >> that's good. >> okay. >> i'm ready. >> i love the absolute no self consciousness on that one. just put it right on. i had some people say please, please don't show my price is right again. we spared you this time. >>> still ahead on "way too early" what motivated you to vote or why didn't you cast your ballot? your best tweets coming up and "morning joe" live from d.c. sam is there. hi, michael.

david letterman is excited about chris christie's re-election. >> let's check in with governor chris christie on the campaign trail. take a look. >> i have no interest in answering your question. >> you know what? first off, it's none of your business. >> your rear end will get thrown in jail. >> let me tell you this, you know what? >> you should really see me -- >> chris christie, reasonable republican. >>> my favorite game show, the price is right. one contestant couldn't contain her excitement about getting on stage withdrew carey. >> ahh! yeah! yes! yes! ah! whew! oh, i love you! i love him! oh, my god! thank you so much! >> the wig looks good. that's a good-looking wig. >> we good now? >> that's good. >> okay. >> i'm ready. >> i love the absolute no self consciousness on that one. just put it right on. i had some people say please, please don't show my price is right again. we spared you this time. >>> still ahead on "way too early" what motivated you to vote or why didn't you cast your ballot? your best tweets coming up and "morning joe" live from d.c. sam is there. hi, michael

. >> ford was actually the target of david letterman's top ten list on the "late show." >> number ten used to describe mayor ford, here we know, number 10, cracknadian. [ laughter ] >> number 9, torontoker. [ laughter ] number 2, chin-fo tainment. and the number one word used to describe toronto mayor rob ford -- large and no longer in charge. >> it almost writes itself, right? >>> oxford university press takes selfie as its word for 2013. selfie is a photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically taken with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website. now, they don't always have to be taken by yourself. first lady michelle obama with the first dog bo there. you can take one with a loved one like hillary and chelsea clinton did. and sometimes, they're a little ill-advised. just ask geraldo rivera. >>> coming up on "cbs this morning," we'll talk stocks with warren buffett. i'm anne-marie green. this is the "cbs morning news." [ male announcer ] step one, prepare for triumph. step two, baconated cheese for awesome. step three, get ready to wow. step four... mmmmm.

david letterman handled it differently. anyone who's seen miley cyrus' bizarre feline inspired performance at the american music awards will get the joke. >> we got a big deal, nuclear deal with iran. they say it's some kind of an agreement. they will give up their enrichment program, but something's not right at the white house. did you see the president? i think it's the wear and tear of the office. president obama is announcing the big nuclear agreement with iran, something is not right. take a look at this. then we'll talk about it. >> diplomacy opened up a new path. the future in which we can verify that iron's nuclear program -- >> see, he's got a giant cat there. >> finally it's the time of year the white house used to make a life of death decision. choosing which turkey will receive an official presidential pardon. while the sermon itself goes back to harry truman's presidency, george h.w. bush was the first to pardon one. this year the white house are allowing voters which will get the special privilege in an onlin

. >>> to commemorate election night, late night funnyman david letterman invited nancy pelosi to deliver the top ten list. the top ten things you don't know about the house of representatives. >> every month, we're tested for steroids. [ laughter ] >> tax dollars. number 2? >> we have the power to impeach talk show hosts. [ laughter ] >> really. for god's sake, what are you waiting for? and the number 1 thing you never knew about the house of representatives -- >> the tea party isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds. >> well, yeah. >> that makes sense, i think. particularly for her, i'm sure. >>> coming up, more results from election day 2013. including the first east coast city to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. >>> and the mayor of toronto, finally admitting that he smoked crack cocaine. so will he be stepping down? you know the answer to this one, don't you? if you've been following the story. >> it's our drug corner of the day, i guess. >> our drug corner of the day. big plans. so when i found out medicare doesn't pay all my medical expenses, i looked at my options. then i

i used to watch you on letterman back in the early ages. >> and you heard me say certain things. >> absolutely. >> but i want to tell you what has changed. what has changed is the questions really have not changed. the vocabulary has changed. nobody says, she's with child. the say she's pregnant. the speak much more openly about erection and orgasm. >> do you think it's changed for the good? >> absolutely. so that part has changed. but what's has changed, the women have heard people like me -- i'm not the only one -- say that a woman has to take the responsibility for her sexual satisfaction, even the best lover, i don't know one of you, even the best lover can't just guess what she needs. >> you can look at andrew for this one. >> so that has changed because there are less women who don't have orgasms. it's late at night. we can talk about this. i can talk about this. so there have been things that have changed. the other thing that we need in this country, we have hit masters and johnson, kinsey. we now need a really serious research study in terms of how to teach sex education. so woe need

hypocrisy because he went on national tv, he went on the david letterman show and joked about it in the summer prior to handing down the suspension, had no problem talking about it then but he won't come into alex's proceeding where he wants to destroy this guy's career and take an oath and answer very tough questions. it's unbelievable to me. >> well, let's take a listen to what alex rodriguez said today on the radio. >> my only message to the commissioner is, i know you don't like new york, but come to new york and face the music. >> what about you? does he like you? >> he hates my guts. 100% it's personal and it's about his legacy and my legacy and he's trying to destroy me. he's retiring in 2014 and to put me on his mantle on his way out is his accomplishment. >> why do so many think he's another lance armstrong in the making? >> well, i honestly have no idea. i've come to know him and he's a spectacular human being. he gives of himself, the charitable deeds he does that no one knows about. he's someone who doesn't gripe and complain. today he lost it for a good reason. he sat throu

reporter josh letterman is here with the very latest. nice to see you, josh. what happened at the meeting? do we have any information coming out of the meeting? >> we have a little bit of information. the president spoke briefly while reporters were allowed in the room. it was interesting he didn't actually mention this new fix at all. instead he talked about wanting to make sure that he worked with the insurance companies to make sure americans have more information about what's available, what their options are we did get word after the meeting from the white house about a little bit more detail about what they talked about and we do know that one of the major topics was this fix how are they going to work it out so that people who already lost their insurance might be able to get it reinstated. obviously a lot of concerns that the insurance agency has about how is this going to work. >> when the executives walked out, did they talk to the press? the white house has obviously spoken, how about the executives, the other side of the table were, they talking? >

as you can see david letterman is having a little too much fun with the latest political news. here's how he handled the charges of plagiarism against senator rand paul last night. >> you folks know rand paul, kentucky senator rand paul is accused of plagiarism. he just was taking stuff from other sources. well, today, he issued this statement. this is from rand paul's office, senator rand paul. let's look at that. >> in the face of charges leveled against him, rand paul wishes to say i am not a plajerrist. further more, i think it's going to be a long, long, time until touchdown brings me round to find i'm not the man they think i am at home. oh, no, no, no. i'm a rocket man. rand paul, rocket man. >> the rocket man. well, they say imitation is the highest form of flattery, but who knew paul was a elton john fan? >>> owen hill hopes to challenge in the midterms next year. he's wasted no times to show off his true colors. here he was in his attempt as birther humor at a denver county republican breakfast. >> i was flying back from kenya. we spent about two weeks in the largest

hypocrisy because he went on national tv, he went on the david letterman show and joked about it in the summer prior to handing down the suspension, had no problem talking about it then but he won't come into alex' proceeding where he wants to destroy this guy's career and take an oath and answer very tough questions. it's unbelievable to me. >> well, let's take a listen to what alex rodriguez said today on the radio. >> my only message to the commissioner is, i know you don't like new york, but come to new york and face the music. >> what about you? does he like you? >> he hates my guts. 100% it's personal and it's about his legacy and my legacy and he's trying to destroy me. he's retiring in 2014 and to put me on his pamantle on his way o is his accomplishment. >> why do so many think he's another lance armstrong in the making? >> well, i honestly have no idea. i've come to know him and he's a spectacular human being. he gives of himself, the charitable deeds he does that no one knows about. he's someone who doesn't gripe and complain. today he lost it for a good reason. he sat throug

but as david letterman revealed friday, there was a reason for the sudden dash in the chamber. >> then something happened during the council meeting yesterday and people were saying what was that. suddenly he started running through the council chambers. well, now we have a better understanding of what happened yesterday up in toronto, canada. we have it on videotape here. i want you to watch this. >> attention, ladies and gentlemen, complimentary crack is now being served in the lobby. >> next up, realtime's bill maher marked last week's anniversary of president kennedy's assassination by comparing jfk to most conservatives' favorite ronald reagan. here's how he weighed in. >> historians will argue forever about whether kennedy and reagan were good presidents and never settle it. but can we on this day at least agree that kennedy was cooler? i mean, sorry, but our liberal icon was a smart, sexy war hero who said he wanted to go to the moon. yours was an old fudy duddy that wanted to rock denim. everything jfk wore is still cool today. look at him. he looks like a j. crew model. when h

today, it's home to the david letterman show. 50 years ago, a revolution took place here. ( girls screaming ) >> grossman: i lived a block away and so i walked over here with no anticipation, no understanding of what i would find. there's an english word-- "gobsmacked." i was gobsmacked. >> ♪ ah, ah, ah shake it up baby, now ♪ shake it up, baby ♪ twist and shout ♪ twist and shout... >> safer: when ed sullivan introduced the beatles to america, 73 million viewers were watching. henry grossman was there, shooting for "time" magazine. >> grossman: i guess i shot a first couple of pictures of the guys on stage and what they were doing. we talked onstage at the very spot the music was made. and then, when i looked around and i could see the hysteria on some of these girls, tears streaming down their faces. "wow, look at that. look at that. look at that. >> ♪ she wouldn't dance with another ♪ ooh ♪ since i saw her standing there... >> safer: it's fascinating that these kids probably couldn't hear the band for their own voices, right? >> grossman: i don't think it mattered. ( girls s

mary explained to david letterman in 2006 that was tough for her. >> i actually came very close to quitting the campaign in 2004 over this very issue. my position was as a campaign staffer, and quite frankly, i think it's inappropriate for campaign staffers to be issuing their own public policy statements. >> though apparently not tough enough. >> the important thing in 2004, the important issue, was national security. >> i reached out to liz cheney this morning and she told me quote, i love my sister and her family and have always tried to be compassionate toward them. i believe that is the christian way to behave. the former vice president and mrs. cheney released the following statement on the family rift this afternoon. this is an issue we have dealt with privately for many years and we are pained to see it become public. since it has one thing should be clear. liz has always believed in the traditional definition of marriage. she has also always treated her sister and her sister's family with love and respect, exactly as she should have done. compassion is called for even when there is

before we go to break, david letterman couldn't resist getting in on the butterball jokes, so check this out. >> now, depending on your specific turkey needs, you can request a female operator, a male operator, a male operator dressed as a female operator or a female operator with a mustache. butterball, the dead bird people. >> ladies and gentlemen, that just ain't right. it's 7am and steve is already thinking about tomorrow. which is why he's investing in his heart health by eating kellogg's raisin bran®. not only is kellogg's raisin bran® heart healthy it's a delicious source of potassium. ♪ mom make you eat that? i happen to like raisins. [ male announcer ] invest in your heart health. now that's what i'm talkin' about. with kellogg's raisin bran®. [ female announcer ] now with kellogg's family rewards you can get even more from the products you love. join today at kfr.com. you can get even more from the products you love. [ female announcer ] some people like to pretend a flood could never happen to them. and that their homeowners insurance protects them. [ thunder crashes ] it

mare,explained to david letterman that was tough for her. >> i actually came very close to quitting the campaign in 2004 over this issue. my issue was as a campaign staffer. quite frankly, i think it's inappropriate for campaign staffers to be issuing their own public policy statements. >> reporter: though parent not tough enough. >> the important thing in 2004, the important issue was national security. >> reporter: i reached out to liz cheney, and she said i love my sister and her family and have always tried to be compassionate. i believe that's the christian way to behave. >> the former vice president and mrs. cheney released the family statement -- this is an issue we have dealt with privately for many years and we are pained to see it become public. since it has, one thing should be clear. liz has always believe, and always treated her sister and her sister's family with love and respect. compassion is called for even when there's disagreement. liz' many kindnesses should not be used to distort her position. >>> up heard t. toronto's mayor stripped of power amid increasingly errat

today in new york, for instance, this is home to the david letterman show. 50 years ago a revelation took place here when ed all van introduced the beatles to america, 73 million viewers were there. henry grossman was there shooting for "time" magazine. we talked on stage in the very spot the music was made. >> and i looked around and could see the hysteria on some of the girls. tears streaming down they're faces. wow, look that. look at that. >> it's faiz nating that they could not hear the band through their own voices. >> i don't think it mattered. >> that's what my mom said about going to a beatles concert. we couldn't hear the music. >> and it didn't matter. >> it didn't matter. >> it's morley's birthday. we should say happy birthday to morley safer. did you bring a gift for morley safer, ben smith? >> i was uninformed. >> how about ten great things we love about morley safer? >> that will be huge. >> there grouchlt you're welcome for the idea. >> you can see morley's report sunday night on "60 minutes" here on cbs. >>> ben smith is here. if you go odd buzzfeed, you think about

bud selig should have faced the music and confronted the person that he accuses, rather than do it on letterman, on national television, pronouncing the verdict and not telling everyone that 11 random tests during the time period where alex rodriguez is accused of using peds, 11est its, negative. selig doesn't say that. he doesn't show up to confront to answer that, and instead he allows $125,000 in cash as if he's a character in boardwalk empire. that's why he doesn't want to show up, because he doesn't want to answer those questions. >> joe, let me bring you in to this. you've been covering this a long time, and the fact that he did storm out leaves a lot of questions, but how is that being interpreted, and is that superseding any or all of what lanny davis is saying? >> i have to agree with lanny in the sense certainly bud selig and major league baseball, no saints in this process. alex rodriguez, the last couple of years, always proclaimed innocence. we don't have a smoking gun, don't have a positive drug test. all negative. here's a guy who said he's fighting for his life, fighting for his

i mean, i remember when i watched your interview on the letterman show you which suggests that there was a time in which are dead, i forget, it was like $100 billion the world was crazy. >> i was there. it was in the presidency of lyndon dennis johnson. i was a congressman and it was the first federal budget in her history that it $100 billion. and everyone just aghast at the thought. >> but now doesn't seem like -- >> now we have trillion dollar deficits. >> and it doesn't look like the republicans are helping us any, so will you write a book for them? >> let me say something about that. i think the republicans, you know, the people all across the spectrum in both parties, but i was asked, i was speaking about my of the book, known and unknown, at fort leavenworth, the military base, not the prison. [laughter] and there were 1490 majors from molson our country but from around the world to the big school there. and someone asked me come what's the biggest problem that i worry about when i go to bed at night. and the answer was, american weakness. why do i say that? i think a signal t