. >> jimmy: it's the "jimmy kimmel live" fantasy league, presented by gmc. hello, i'm jimmy kimmel. >> and i'm cousin sal. >> jimmy: we have much to cover tonight, so let's get right to it. >> jb smoove shows no mercy to kristen bell, beat her 77-63. >> joel mchale on top of dax shepard, 80-53. jx in the all william round, william perry chews up the sports guy bill simmons, 86-83. >> jimmy: and the big scorer, jimmy kimmel crushes adam carolla, 115-86, which stirred up a bit of controversy. >> jimmy: i'm adding up the points again, and i did -- i've confirmed that i did beat you, i did win. >> awesome. >> your cousin's the commissioner. >> huh? >> did we have an independent party do the scoring -- >> independent cousin. >> your stooge, kimmel. >> everyone knew what the deal was when we signed up -- thank you, sal. you get the peanut treatment. >> don't worry about that. >> jimmy: wah, wah. nobody likes a cry berry. i mean, a cry baby. check out next week's matchups on the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube page. i'm jimmy kimmel. >> i'm cousin sal. >> bang! >> cry

i'm jimmy kimmel. >> i'm cousin sal. >> bang! >> cry berries. >> dicky: to follow the action all season long, go to the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube channel and click on fantasy league for scores, videos and more. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with joanna garcia, music from brandon flowers and kathy griffin. takes a special kinda loco to pass...initiation. where the sun's so hot it rains fire. and there's no calling for help -- only reception your phone's gettin' is an angry look. just when you can't take any more... you gotta eat the flame. [ male announcer ] subway has turned up the heat! introducing subway fiery footlong subs. the irresistibly hot new turkey jalapeño melt and the bold-acious buffalo chicken, eat bold! [ biker ] subway fiery footlong subs. ride hard. eat fresh. [ biker ] subway fiery footlong subs. ♪ come on, people, now ♪ smile on your brother , ♪ everybody get together ♪ try to love one another right now ♪ to get a diaper that really works, without the really high prices. the time has com

check out next week's matchup on the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube page. >> the "jimmy kimmel live" fantasy league, right here, every week. >> jimmy: presented by gmc. i'm jimmy kimmel. >> i'm cousin sal. bang! >> jimmy: bang. >> that's my thing. let me do it. bang. >> dicky: to follow all the action all season long, go to the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube channel and click on fantasy league for scores, video and more. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with music from maroon five and dane cook. looif i'll finally get the can fecoverage my family deserves. if it's something we can afford. to steer clear of the confusion, go to metlife.com in less than 5 minutes, you'll get straight answers. like how much life insurance you really need and how much it costs. so, no matter where you end up buying, you'll make the best decision for your family. get guarantees for the if in life. from metlife. call 1-888-metlife for your free quote with no pressure or obligation. and i'm going to introduce you in two weeks. he's a dentist so whiten your teeth. no coffee, no espresso. mm-hmm. ♪ [ female an

check out next week's matchups on the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube page. >> the "jimmy kimmel live" fantasy league right here every week. >> jimmy: presented by gmc. >> oh, bang. i almost forgot. >> dicky: to follow all the auction, go to the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube channel for scores, videos and more. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with zach galifianakis. from "jersey shore," nicole "snooki" polis polizzy and musi trombone shorty and new orleans avenue. 100% pure beef times two. chopped onions, pickles, american cheese. the mcdonald's mcdouble. it's a double .for a single. on the dollar menu everyday. that's what we're made of. ♪ ba da ba ba ba it says you like soft rock. it says you like cool jams. i do like cool jams. it says you're not real. [ growls ] sorry. it says mackenzie ellerd got that exact same dress. [ screams ] it says it's the second switch. alright. [ switch clicks ] [ whistles and clapping ] [ male announcer ] at&t feels everyone should have access on the go, so we're making mobile broadband more affordable. introducing new smartphone data plans starting at

kimmel live" youtube channel. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with milla jovovich, music from interpol and kevin nealon. bang! drink in the rich, bold taste... of premium roast coffee -- 100% arabica beans. it's so rich, but so just a dollar. on the dollar menu at breakfast. and that's what we're made of. ♪ ba da ba ba ba dove clinical protection. at last, prescription-strength wetness protection, beautified with .dove moisturizers... and cool fragrances. dove clinical protection. where beautiful girls find strength. what do you call a cheese that isn't yours? i don't know. nacho cheese! [ laughs ] see, cuz' it's not your cheese but i said "nacho". [ clears throat ] la, la, la, la, la, can't hear you... la, la, la, la, can't hear you... okay... la, la, la, la, can't hear you!! ...that's when i decided to fully invest in my 401k. [ male announcer ] we take the time for our cheese to mature before we bake it into every delicious cracker. because at cheez-it, real cheese matters. oh, yes there is. [ angelic chorus ] we got bud light. here we go! ♪ here's a good lo

>> jimmy: it god to have you here. >> it's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: what is going on? what a beautiful ensemble you have here. you look very regal. >> say my name tonight. say it. my real name. >> jimmy: your real name? >> i'm wearing the outfit. you all saw the show yesterday when she took the audience to australia! >> jimmy: oh, you are wearing the outfit. wait a minute. i wish i had my captain -- i would have worn a pie lot's uniform had i known. >> all right, so, i have a little surprise for your audience, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i can't wait to hear it. what is it? >> what you don't know is that this man has got an bus and we are going to west covina! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is exciting. >> all right. >> jimmy: i wonder if anyone would actually go with us if we took a bus to west covincovina. they would? [ cheers and applause ] i'm flattered, but that doesn't say great things about you. how are you? you look lovely. >> i'm here -- this is just basically a hollywood emergency, the fact that i'm here. i'm here to get us through the emotional journey t

jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. hi, everyone, i'm jimmy. perhaps you know me from television. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. i know what you're thinking. who plucks those perfect eyebrows? well, guess what? no one, they're just like this. naturally. god plucks them for me. tonight was a special night. football is back. the 2010-11 nfl season kicked off tonight in new orleans opposite "project runway" making tonight a great night to find did you know that in europe they call football basketball? true. today was also rosh hashanah, which in spanish means the jewish new year, so happy new year to about half of our writing staff. religious on rosh hashanah. we really should start stockpiling stuff over the easter break. but since we're a bit shorthanded today, we outsourced some of our work, and, well, let's check in. we have backup joke writers we use from time to time. let's check in with them now. okay, hello, guys. >> oh, hello. i love you. and how can i ma

: i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, the lovely and very journalistic diane sawyer is here. we have music from ray lamontagne and the pariah dogs and i go back-to-school shopping with nolan gould, the kid who plays luke on "modern family." have you ever seen "hogan's heroes?" it's a sitcom set in a nazi prisoner of war camp. >> sounds funny. >> jimmy: you'll love it. you know what? you have to share the classics with the kids. "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes. moments ago, we gave this group of people the stylish new orbit packs. [ orbit trumpet ] let's see what they think. cork my canteen! churn my butterscotch! [ laughs ] shut the front door! more dirty mouths cleaned up with orbit. now, in stylish new packs. male voice: ooh! green tea with citrus. i could use a lift. you gonna finish that? hmm? well, how 'bout that? dude, fish have ears, you know. announcer: lipton--drink on the bright side. fish: sheesh. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- diane sawyer. back to s

you, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, that's very nice of you. thanks for coming. thank you for watching. it's a real rice krispy treat to have you here tonight with us. welcome to "the bachelorette" after the after the after the rose special. hour nine of our ongoing coverage here of abc. i'm your host chris harrison. thank you for tuning in. as you know, tonight, the emotional finale of "the bachelorette." and i'm going to admit something, and i hope you don't think less of me for saying this, but i haven't cried this much watching a tv show since t.r. knight left "grey's anatomy." and i mean that. i was an absolute mess. as you were probably aware, the bachelorette ali made the most important decision a person can make. she converted to islam. [ laughter ] now shabazz faruk i think. ali had it narrowed down to roberto and chris. all the spoiler blogs were sure she'd pick roberto. they all said it's obvious she's more attracted to him. it's obvious they have chemistry. it's going t

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and, now, walking this way, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, everyone, i'm jimmy, the host of the show. thank you for having me over. thank you for coming. oh, we've got germans from france here tonight, we've got french people from turkey. we're all messed up. and it is a special night here at abc. it's the much anticipated return of "dancing with the stars." the 11th season of "dancing with the stars." and i think that's it. i think this is the final. i think after 11, we're out of stars. there aren't any left. this year, it's audrina partridge from "the hills." david hasselhoff. michael bolton, florence henderson, brandy, rick fox, kurt warner, jennifer grey, kyle massey, michael bolton, margaret cho and "the situation" from "the jersey shore" who will hopefully during the course of the show make bristol palin pregnant. how great would that be? i forgot one celebrity contestant. ♪ that's the dancing golden retriever. and they should have celebrity pets in this, right? [ cheers and applause ] so eve

jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. and, well, most nights, really. who in our studio audience tonight is here on summer vacation? [ cheers and applause ] and how many of you are teenage runaways here to steal my bicycle? [ cheers and applause ] about half and half, i guess. president obama had a little vacation over the weekend, on the gulf coast of florida. the president and his family spent just over 24 hours in the gulf. some republicans are actually attacking him for not staying longer. they do have a point. president bush, for instance, used to vacation for weeks and weeks at a time. obama was there trying to help tourism on the gulf after the oil spill. he even jumped into the gulf to prove it was safe. unfortunately, he did a pelican. nothing goes right for this guy. this is him. you don't believe the water's clean? how about i pull my 9-year-old daughter into it? that's -- sasha, do not swallow, you understand me? do not let a dro

, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cleto. thank you. that's very kind. i'm jimmy. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. sorry i'm late. my school bus broke down on my way over here. school bus mechanic here in the audience tonight. don't worry. your children are very safe. i tell you what, there was a great deal of excitement here in los angeles this week. president obama paid us a visit. he actually slept over my house last night. breakfast this morning, ate a whole box of honey bunches of oats. i went to make a bowl myself, all that was left was dust. he was here for a star-studded fund-raiser held at the home of "er" creator john wells. they raised $1 million and converted him to scientology, so it was a success. the event was supposed to raise funds for the democratic campaign committee. but obama was in seattle today, and look at this. >> nobody here is getting too fat and happy. everybody here is operating on very lean margins. >> jimmy: i don't know how he's s

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ jimmy kimmel live >> dicky: and now for the time being, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> jimmy: tonight, i knew i could do it. i really did. it's friday night which is good because sometimes it isn't and, you know, i was driving to work today -- i drive myself into work. thank you, cleto. and i was thinking -- i was thinking i'm me and everything i see, the way i experience the world comes from that perspective from me and everyone else is them. every other person has -- every person has a totally different point of view. each one of us in our mind is like the center of not just our world, but the world. from your perspective you're the center of the world. the whole world is like filtered through you and for me i'm the center of the world. and i was -- and it got me thinking it would be nice if i could be the center of your world too. you know? i'd like you to consider always thinking of me first if you could. just think about it and then if you -- if you like it put it into action, you know. think of yourself -- instead of me think of yourself as jim's

jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. hi there, welcome, i'm jimmy. thanks for watching. thanks for coming out. you all look very cute sitting in my chairs. i will say, it's a sad night here tonight. and it's going to be sad every tuesday night for awhile because another celebrity has been killed off of "dancing with the stars." or should i say, killed hoff. >> david and kym. >> jimmy: yeah, this is -- this is terrible. how do you eliminate david hasselhoff in the first week? you have people have no sense of comedy? i have a show to do here. i was counting on him for six weeks. this is hoffle, just hoffle. his dancing wasn't good, though, it's -- he was here on the show last week, told me he was going to win it, and then -- he did. this happened. >> dancing the cha-cha-cha, david hasselhoff and his partner, kym johnson. >> this is a mess. >> jimmy: and they say -- when they say get out on the floor, they don't -- my pick to win it all, jennifer gray, got the highest score last

jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, i'm jimmy. thank you for watching. thanks for -- thanks for coming so i can gaze in your eyes and -- it's great to have you here. it would be embarrassing if you weren't here. we have a lot to get to tonight, and not a moment to waste, beginning with the pope, who could not be here tonight with us, but the pope is in england right now. hard to believe, but this is the first official papal visit to great britain in more than 500 years. in the 1500s, hinge henry wanted to divorce his wife but the pope wouldn't allow it -- it was a different pope -- so, instead henry chopped her head off, and that was that, and -- this morning the pope was greeted by the queen, who is the head of the church of england, and fellow member of the funny hat club. you can see they had a big ceremony. it's weird to see the pope in a regular car. but he was driving in the car and he and the queen -- very casual. very casual. they have a very friendly relationship. and t

jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you very much, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for coming to visit. tonight, i'm planning to give at least 84%, which is a lot for me. [ applause ] it's more than oprah gives, i'll tell you that. lindsay low land had a bad morning. she failed -- she failed a drug test, ordered by the court. this morning, she showed up for what she sought would be a hearing to schedule bail. instead, the judge denied bail and sent her straight to the lynnwood correctional facility to stay until her next hearing on october 22nd, which would give her almost no time to find a halloween costume. surprise to everyone, including her lawyers. i guess it's unusual for that to happen in this kind of case. but the judge was tough. and i tell you what, i don't like this new trend of putting white people in jail for minor drug offenses, it's -- [ laughter ] it perpetuates a single standard, you know? there were -- there were no

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and now, in all honesty, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, everyone. thank you for being here. thank you for watching. i'm so excited tonight. i don't know where to start. oprah, football -- i think i'll start with football. yesterday, the first sunday of a brand-new nfl season, which is especially exciting for me because nfl season means "dancing with the stars" season is right around the corner. j. che [ cheers ] the redskins played last night. keith brooking, the linebacker for dallas, motivated his teammates with one of the most passionate pregame speeches i -- this reporter has ever heard. [ laughter ] >> yes, yes! the lights are on! they have opened the doors to their house! we got a situation on our hands! this is what we must do! we have to fight! we got to fight! we got to fight! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: a lot of -- a lot going on there. [ cheers and applause ] and, those of you who watched the name, know the cowboys lost 13-0. so so much for the scratching and bleedi

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, thank you. i'm jimmy, thank you for watching. thanks for making it out tonight. good to have you in my clutches. sit down. i'd like to talk to you guys about something. i need to -- and it's serious, too. it's very weird in here tonight, isn't it? did someone in the audience have a seizure or something before? well, will be. it's election season again. there seems to be more election seasons than seasons of "the bachelorette" now days. and some shocking results in the new york and delaware republican primaries last night, where well-known veteran politicians were upended by candidates affiliated by the tea party. it was especially shocking, because i've been to a lot of tea parties with my daughter, and most of the people there are stuffed animals, they're not even real, so -- it's not even tea. it's an imaginary liquid they pretend to pour out. you can imagine the surprise. former new york congressman rick lazio was beaten by a man named carl palladino, who compared a jewish speaker to hitler,

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, talking about head and shoulders shampoo. it's good enough for the hairiest super star in football, troy polamalu. go to troyshair.com to play for ridiculously awesome prizes. let's check out the action on the field. >> what's this flag all about? >> personal foul. taunting. >> what are you talking about? >> your hair is so full and thick. it's making the players feel bad. >> oh, that's hair and shoulders for men shampoo. it claims to give you thicker looking hair in one week guaranteed. >> i'm going to try this. >> i think you're supposed to do that in the shower. >> i know, it's okay, it's head and shoulders. >> dicky: head and shoulders hair endurance for men. visit troyshair.com for a chance to win a ridiculously awesome trip to super bowl xlv. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with nathan fillion, music from trace adkins and dr. fill mcgraw. just can't compare. [ funny voice ] hey, broom! wanna sweep and mop like swiffer sweeper? then try the mop club for brooms! designed to look natural, even when wet.

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and now that reminds me here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good evening. i'm jimmy, the host of the show. thank you for watching. you're all good. none of you are going to hell. quick show of hands, how many of you are just here for the air conditioning tonight? be honest. all right. you're all welcome. today was the hottest day ever in los angeles, ever. 113 degrees in downtown l.a. it was so hot, you could fry a contaminated egg on the sidewalk. it was -- poor joan rivers melted like that nazi in "raiders the lost arc." it was so hot today, matthew mcconaughey took his chest off. so i think what i'm trying to express is that the temperature was high. and so were our writers too as well. it was week two of "dancing with the stars" tonight. they wore less clothing than usual, which means they were nude. tom bergeron is on his way here right now. tonight, tom bergeron, he's going to tell us who wins. for the first time ever, he's going to reveal the winner tonight eight weeks before the finale. so he said he w

jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cleto. thanks for coming. thank you for watching. i'm jimmy. but you can call me by my "jersey shore" name, d.j. sweetmeat. what an episode tonight. instead of going out to get drunk, the gang decided to stay home and play scrabble. no, they went out and get drunk. but they actually did stay home and play a game, a game called bowl of questions. they put a bunch of questions like, have you ever cheated on your girlfriend, in a bowl, and then you pick one and you answer it and then everyone fights. it's great. things are getting dramatic in miami. tonight, snooki's boyfriend from back home called to let her know he had sex with another girl. she was not happy about it. despite the fact that last week, it seemed she had sex with one of the guys in the house. the rules of the show are hard for me to figure out. tried to talk to each other. >> whatever, bye, peace. [ bleep ] you. >> oh, my god. [ bleep ] that. >> did he hang up on you? >> he wa

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cleto. thanks, one and all. it's wonderful to be here. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i want you to know in advance, i consider each and every one of you a member of my family. that's right. [ applause ] can i borrow $1,000? summer is over. summer's -- another summer has come and gone. it got canceled today. it's being replaced by a game show. summer ended tonight. i can't believe -- i didn't get to do the nesty plunge one time this summer. too old a reference? here in l.a., the end of summer means the beginning of five months of what we call same. [ laughter ] the only reason i even knew fall was here is "wipeout" went off the air this is a new video we found on youtube today. it's the first official fall of fall. fortunately he landed on his head, so -- [ laughter ] fox this morning finally announced what has been the worst kept secret in the world, the new judges for "american idol." they made the announcement on a live video stream online, which -- i remember when i was a boy, i used to have to listen

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone, i'm jimmy. thank you very much. that's very kind. we are -- we are back from our summer vacation. we were off for two weeks. i'm glad to be back at work. i had a terrible break. i terrible -- craigslist pulled all my ads down. went to bed friday night, saturday morning, they're all gone. my whole stable of women, out of work. so that was no good. for many american kids, today was the first day of school. a lot of kids like schools. i don't like that. kids should hate school. when i was a kid, 95% of us hated school. we would pray for soon in las vegas. it was -- now, though, i always ask kids, do you like school, and almost all of them say yes, which means they either lying because i'm an adult or they're getting something we didn't. something better than tater tots. and i -- let me tell you. my dad told me on the first day of school, i'll never forget, he said, son, just give them to lunch money. [ laughter ] i used to be thin. here in

shontelle and "jimmy kimmel live" is next. mmmm. you don't love me anymore do you billy? what? i didn't buy this cereal to sweet talk your taste buds it's for my heart health. so i can't have any? if you can deprive me of what can help lower my cholesterol... and live with yourself. right. mmm, i wry about your mother. cry herself to sleep every night over my arteries, but have yourself a bowl. good speech dad. [ whimper ] male announcer ] honey nut cheerios tastes great and its whole grain oats can lp lower cholesterol. bee happy. bee healthy. ♪ man: we need a sofa. something i can stretch out on! woman: ooh... that will go with those lamps my mother gave us. or we could get some new lamps. or we could get no sofa. negotiating, eh? you got it! how about a nice home for our tv? how about doors to hide that drive-in theater? how about a cowhide rug? yee-haw! and the snacks? get their own place. let the marathon begin! saving money. and like baseball people love their stats. i started bringing my lunch to work -- 50 bucks a we

first, here's jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: thank you for coming. thank you for watching. i knew you would come through for me. thank you. and i want to wish everyone a happy shark week. you know it's shark week on the discovery channel. am i the only one that thinks shark week is getting too commercial? when i was a kid shark week was about spending time with your family and seeing your family get eaten by sharks, things like that. every year during shark week my the shark costumes and we go door to door trick or treating for fish guts, and we have the best time. i don't know why they have shark week in the summer. it makes you scared to go to the beach. shark week should be like the week after christmas or something. the fact is shark attacks on humans are very rare. statistically speaking you are more likely to be attacked by charlie sheen than you are a shark. right, uncle frank? >> that's true. >> jimmy: somehow the discovery channel has managed to keep this shark week thing going for 23 years now. and they've done it by mixing things up. you k

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live >> and now, gather 'round, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. very nice. i appreciate that. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. i'm send a big gay kiss out to each and every one of you. big happenings tonight on the show "modern family." the first gay kiss in prime-time television since i guess since the last gay kiss on prime-time television. was, what, "sanford & son," right? "cagney & lacy?" i don't know. cameron and mitchell kissed on "modern family." some people thought it was strange they never kissed last season because they're a married couple. is that weird? my parents have been married for 44 years. i think i saw them kiss one time. my mom got my dad a new wheelbarrow for christmas or something. so overcome with emotion, he couldn't help himself. tonight, cameron and mitchell kissed. next week, hopefully, sophia and julie bowen will do the same thing. we're property gretty excited t because we have a much anticipated and controversial kiss planned, right guillermo? >

first, here's what's coming up next on "jimmy kimmel live." >> jimmy: thanks, bill. tonight, jeremy renner, jamie king, music from hey monday, and laughing babies. i can't possibly come up with anything cuter than that. "jimmy kimmel live" is next. [ male announcer ] nature is unique... ...authentic... ...pure... and also delicious. ♪ like nature valley. granola bars made with crunchy oats and pure honey. because natural is not only good, it also tastes good. nature valley -- 100% natural. 100% delicious.