. >> stephen: $174,000 a year? >> that's correct. >> stephen: how do you live? do you get food stamps? >> i don't but that's because i have a wife who has also been very successful in supporting our family. >> stephen: i should marry rich? >> you need to marry rich for you. >> stephen: good. we note house of representatives is a bunch of losers compared to you guys. do you have the power to walk up to anybody and give them a wedgy? >> yeah, i guess i do. >> stephen: it's worth it right there. i'm going to appointed so i don't have to run but to be reelected who should i be beholden to? which lobbies should i look for for cash? >> you are from which state? >> stephen: south carolina. >> figure out who the major influence are in south carolina and roll over for them, i would assume. >> stephen: i do have to physically roll over like a dog and show them my belly or can i vote the way they want me to? >> i think the voting is adequate. >> stephen: do you get a uniform? >> no, you don't. >> stephen: can you wear anything on the floor? >> you are supposed to wear a co

stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well come to the report. good to you have with us, lady its and gentlemen, let me begin by saying ellen silla lumen omentielvo. (applause) >> stephen: i slipped in a little quenya there, i'm just so pumped about the new hobbit movie about that hobbit, the hobbit. hobbit, hobbit, hobbit. you ever say a word so pain times it sounds like somebody just made it up? anyway, this thursday is the new york premier of peter jackson's j.r.r. tolkien the hobbit part one, an unexpected journey, tokyo drift. (laughter) and this week we got all the big stars. sir ian mckellen, gandalf the grey. (cheers and applause) we got sir martin freeman, bilbo baggins. (cheers and applause) sir peter jackson who played a very convincing film director. and sir andy serkis who is either the man who played caesar in rise of the planet of the aprils or he is a superchimp who plays this man. (laughter) (applause) and we have got for your pleasure we've got

. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. please, sit down. folks, folks-- as a great lady once said we got to hang out. well, merry christmas, everybody. as with you see i have fully incringe eled my set for the week. i have candy cane columns back there. i have my two big balls right down here. i have poinsettias all back there, festive and deadly. (laughter) but let's not forget it is also night three of hanukkah which i am celebrating by having just mentioned it right now. (laughter) you're welcome, jews. okay, that's called the colbert bump. speaking of me, everyone's speaking of me. >> south carolina senator jim demint is stepping down, so guess who's stepping up as a possible candidate, stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) >> within hours after the announcement he set up a colbert for senate web site and established a twitter account,@colbert for se. >> i want to put pie vote in for stephen right

come on. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. please, sit down. folks, folks-- as a great lady once said we got to hang out. well, merry christmas, everybody. as with you see i have fully incringe eled my set for the week. i have candy cane columns back there. i have my two big balls right down here. i have poinsettias all back there, festive and deadly. (laughter) but let's not forget it is also night three of hanukkah which i am celebrating by having just mentioned it right now. (laughter) you're welcome, jews. okay, that's called the colbert bump. speaking of me, everyone's speaking of me. >> south carolina senator jim demint is stepping down, so guess who's stepping up as a possible candidate, stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) >> within hours after the announcement he set up a colbert for senate web site and established a twitter account,@colbert for se. >> i want to put pie vote in for stephen right

. >> stephen: okay. okay. >> 92%. >> stephen: do you ever get pissed off that people recognize the muppet more than they recognize you? (laughter) i mean, because -- are you ever tempted to make a muppet that looks exactly like frank oz so you can get a little bit of that muppet love yourself? (laughter) not that you're not slightly muppetish. >> i'm thrilled. i can -- i can be -- be the star and then i can go buy my pork and beans or do my laundry. >> stephen: that sounds like a beautiful, beautiful day. pork and beans and laundry. you live the high life, man! you are living the dream! >> mundane stuff like that, it's wonderful. >> stephen: are there muppet grouppys? like animal is a drummer. does animal get any action? >> what do you mean action? >> stephen: what? >> what do you mean action? >> stephen: groupies, man, we're all adults. action, muppet sex. (laughter) >> so you said it. >> stephen: you made me say it. >> i didn't ask you. >> stephen: i insinuated and you exsin waited. >> i might have dra

. >> stephen: i went down last year. >> and i missed you. >> stephen: i know, just barely, like by a day. >> i think i was still on christmas -- or was it during --. >> stephen: it was summertime. (laughter) i believe christmas is in august >> i came back and my massage therapist angela said you had been -- (laughter) that's how i got down there. angela brought me a note on the hobbit stationery that said "come have fun." and did i. >> i heard you won a tolkien quiz against philippa, who is a big tolkien head. >> stephen: peter jackson came up me at a party from the dwars and he said there was going to be a geekoff. >> stephen: >> and you won. >> stephen: i did! i said to philippa right before i started i said prepare yourself because i am like an athlete who has trained his entire life for a race he never knew was coming. (laughter) but it's against you, baby. it was fantastic, she was gracious in defeat. now i -- i -- did you read the books growing up? because i'm a fanatic about "lord of the rings." >> i didn't. i became acquainted with middle effort as an adult in the runup to do

good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. please, sit down. i gotta say, i love this little golden thing. i'm going to use it to sneak into hog warts to steal that invisibility cloak. folks, it is night three of honesofhobit week. we've had ian mckellan, martin freeman, and tonight andy circus. ( applause ) my first question will be, of course, "what do i have in my pocketses?" shhh! don't tell. mr. circus, of course, is the pioneer in the art of performance capture. he has played so many of the great computer-generated characters, not just gollan, but king kong, caesar from "planet of the apes" and of course abraham lincoln. you really believe it's daniel day lewis. of course, hobit heads like me can't wait for this movie and luckily, we don't have to, thanks to the wizards at denny's who are bringing the spirit of middle earth to the middle of the i-80 route 126 interchange. lord jim. >> first, i will have the skillet. next, i shall secure some hobit holes with the side

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, folks. there is tons of excitement in the air tonight. it is the final night of hobbit week. (cheers and applause) i'm so excited, folks. i'm so excited about tonight's show, i have been camping outside my studio since 5 a.m. dressed as my favorite character. tonight's guest director peter jackson. (cheers and applause) who has requested that tonight's interview be broken into three parts and aired every december until 2014. you know, folks, it's just been a great week. and spending time with the creators of the hobbit for the past four days has changed me in ways i never expected. i mean it's hard to put my finger on it. (laughter) i got to tell you, it is such high maintenance. i can never find the parts. and frankly my mani-pedi girl is on a suicide watch. but of course tonight a big story comes from my home state of south carolina. >> big breaking news in this town, senator jim demint, a tea party favorite a

stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, folks. there is tons of excitement in the air tonight. it is the final night of hobbit week. (cheers and applause) i'm so excited, folks. i'm so excited about tonight's show, i have been camping outside my studio since 5 a.m. dressed as my favorite character. tonight's guest director peter jackson. (cheers and applause) who has requested that tonight's interview be broken into three parts and aired every december until 2014. you know, folks, it's just been a great week. and spending time with the creators of the hobbit for the past four days has changed me in ways i never expected. i mean it's hard to put my finger on it. (laughter) i got to tell you, it is such high maintenance. i can never find the parts. and frankly my mani-pedi girl is on a suicide watch. but of course tonight a big story comes from my home state of south carolina. >> big breaking news in this town, senator jim demint, a tea party favorite and conservative icon is surprisingly resigning his seat

(audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report," folks, thank you for joining us. it's great to be me. nation, it's a special time of the year. we've been looking forward to it for months now. and wherever you go you can see the twinkle in little children's eyes because they know in a few short weeks ♪ the fiscal cliff is coming to town ♪ merry cliffmas! (laughter) and with a dramatic name like fiscal cliff, it's got to be exciting. jim? >> the president is asking for $1.6 trillion in revenue. >> $600 billion in tax hikes. >> entitlement reform. >> dividends and capital gains. >> discretionary spending. (laughter) (cheers and applause) what happened, is it over? (bleep) oak, folks, i'll admit it. i don't want to talk about the fiscal cliff and you don't want to hear about it. for the next 20 days, all pundit are contractually obligated to talk budgetary policy and you the viewer are obligated to listen. check your cable contract. (laughter) it's right below the part where come cast gets your kidneys. they'll be

>> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. please, sit down. i gotta say, i love this little golden thing. i'm going to use it to sneak into hog warts to steal that invisibility cloak. folks, it is night three of honesofhobit week. we've had ian mckellan, martin freeman, and tonight andy circus. ( applause ) my first question will be, of course, "what do i have in my pocketses?" shhh! don't tell. mr. circus, of course, is the pioneer in the art of performance capture. he has played so many of the great computer-generated characters, not just gollan, but king kong, caesar from "planet of the apes" and of course abraham lincoln. you really believe it's daniel day lewis. of course, hobit heads like me can't wait for this movie and luckily, we don't have to, thanks to the wizards at denny's who are bringing the spirit of middle earth to the middle of the i-80 route 126 interchange. lord jim. >> first, i will have the skillet. next, i shall secure some hobit holes with

, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. i got to tell you. that is so beautiful. that is so beautiful. i will take that sound. i will take that sound over jingle bells any day. nation, tonight is my last episode before three weeks off. but i'm not looking ahead to the break. i've already started. (cheers and applause) >> that is not a prop. whooo! >> there are still some important stories to talk about there, folks. like last night's megaconcert to help the victims of hurricane sandy. >> all eyes were on new york city last night for the 12-12-12 benefit show to help victims of superstorm sandy. paul mccartney, the rolling stones, eric clapton, bruce springsteen and billy joel were among all the rock 'n' roll heroes that came out to perform. >> stephen: but they were all just opening acts for rock legend stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) i was honored. folks, i got to say, i was honored to be there and to be just off stage where i filmed mick jagger shaking his sexy bag of b

>> i don't. >> stephen: you should, you should. if we all let our hair down when we're talking about our dogs-- you say "our dogs" do you have a dog? >> i don't have a dog. >> stephen: you don't have a dog. okay. >> my building doesn't allow dogs. i'm an aspirational dog owner. (laughter) >> stephen: really. so if you had the ability you would own a dog? >> someday i hope to own a dog. i grew up with dogs. >> stephen: were you raised by wolfes? (laughter) grew up with dogs? >> i had dogs -- my parents had dogs when i was a child and i don't know -- this is perhaps why i was asked to write the forward because i've done things on behalf of dogs. >> stephen: i know this. >> a but the years ago i saved a dog that was on death row in new jersey. an akita named taro who had been wrongly convicted, as it turns out, of biting a young girl. and i did an enormous exposé on this. and the dog was granted a reprieve. a stay of execution. and relocated to new york state. (cheers and applause) i feel i've learned my stripes when it comes to the

, stephen! >> thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. i got to tell you. that is so beautiful. that is so beautiful. i will take that sound. i will take that sound over jingle bells any day. nation, tonight is my last episode before three weeks off. but i'm not looking ahead to the break. i've already started. (cheers and applause) >> that is not a prop. whooo! >> there are still some important stories to talk about there, folks. like last night's megaconcert to help the victims of hurricane sandy. >> all eyes were on new york city last night for the 12-12-12 benefit show to help victims of superstorm sandy. paul mccartney, the rolling stones, eric clapton, bruce springsteen and billy joel were among all the rock 'n' roll heroes that came out to perform. >> stephen: but they were all just opening acts for rock legend stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) i was honored. folks, i got to say, i was honored to be there and to be just off stage where i filmed mick jagger shaking his sexy bag of b

. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, i hope you had a great thanksgiving. i did. first of all a caught up on homeland. you guys see that show on the showtime channel. i love that chaenl. now if you haven't seen it, it's the twisting tale of an iraq war vet who may or may not be a terrorist op rattive, or a double agent whose's been brainwashed by al qaeda who matches wits with a by polar cia op rattive who is convinced that he's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable. (laughter) anyway, hi a great thanksgiving. i celebrated the traditional manner with my family or as the indians call them maze. but folks we all know thanksgiving is just a