stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, so much. thank you in there, out there, all around the world. thank you for joining us. and by "us" of course i mean us. ( cheers and applause ) we're a family now because i've adopted them. ( laughter ) come tax time i will be claiming them as dependents. in addition to being honored on the emmys, i was promptly featured on a television show people actually watch. >> you wea awake? >> yeah. >> we have ben & jerry's, wenut butter cup, and americone dream. >> stephen: that's right. my ice cream. americone dream. the only ice cream liked by sociopathic white strem sifts. it does keep the vanilla separate from the caramel. this is the biggest cue since "silence of the lambs" endorsed nivea. folks, i believe-- it's about damn time they did this after all the times i have plugged their product "the blue." upon what might put you in the mindset for mayhem? a nice big bag of meth. some of the tasty blue. hey, i plug what the network tells me to. sometimes it's doritos. sometimes i

(audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen thank you so much! folks, folks, as you know, you watch the program night to night i pride myself on my decisiveness. if i ever lost my ability to instantly know my next course of action, i don't know what i would do. (laughter) but even i have been all over the map on this syria issue. on the one hand, holding bashar al-assad responsible for war crimes against his own citizens was kind of, you know, "been there; bombed that." (laughter) but on the other hand, not bombing does not involve bombing. (laughter) and the truth is, nobody knows what to do in syria. we've heard from our allies, we've heard from our enemies, we've heard from our pundits and our politicians. but there's one important voice that has remained conspicuously silent: hallucinating sheep herders. until now, because the bible has finally weighed in. according to the vancouver "sun biblical literalists see the looming destruction of damascus as the sign of the return of jesus christ to earth as precursor of the cosmic apocalypse. and fo

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. are you sunshine on the roses of my patriotism. and you know, nation, there is nothing more precious in america than the first amendment. without it, i would not have this show to convince you that there's nothing more precious than the second amendment. ( laughter ) and that's why it is my duty to fight censorship wherever and whenever i have cleared it. naturally, i am outraged on a recent clamp-down on one of the america's bastions of freedom. >> it's no shock to anyone on youtube. users on the web site can be mean and downright northwest. google is now hoping to change that. the youtube owners have just rolled out a new system that will put the top comment from people you know or care about, not just who has commented most recently. video creators will also get to moderate conversations and block certain words. >> stephen: nation, this is an unprecedented attack on free speech. youtube comments are the freest spe

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! dheers plaus. >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. it is out there. ladies and gentlemen. please, folks, nation, i will make one thing perfectly clear about how i feel, all right. nation, do not get me wrong, michelle obama is a lovely lady, friend of the show. but ever since she started her let's move campaign to combat childhood obesity, she's been cramming her pro-health agenda down our throats, throats that should be packed with chili cheese fries. (laughter) as god intended. well, the nanny-in-chief has gone too far. >> michelle obama has encouraged americans to eat better and get more exercise. now she wants people to drij more water. >> water is the best and easiest choice we can make to feel energized, focused, healthy and refreshed. >> drink just one more class of water a day and you can make a real difference for your health. >> stephen: one more class of water a day? but then i would be drinking one glass of water a day. (l

. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. please, sit down, we gotta get going. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i want to welcome all the people watching from the united states. also i want to thank any of our viewers from italy watching tonight. ( cheers and applause ) ciao! folks, i wish i were as happy as you are, but i'm afraid we're living in the people's republic of obamastan. folks, it is not safe to be rich in this country anymore. frank leiber i would give all my fortines to the needy but i don't want to turn some poor person into a target. ( laughter ) no, no, no, i'm afraid all that money is my cross to awar bear. it's a cross made of solid gold. very nice, actually. well, during a speech yesterday, president obama hit the rich with another drone strike in that he was boring. jim. >> the trends that have taken holds over the past few decades of a winner-take-all economy. those trends have been made worse by the recession. the top 1% of americans took home 20% of

>> stephen: well, it's a pleasure and honor to have you here. >> and can you dance, baby. >> stephen: thank you very much. you were watching me backstage. >> i've been watching you quite a bit every place. (audience reacts). >> stephen: well, i'm flattered. i'm flattered. billie jean, first question, phaoeupblg says you're not his lover. phaoeupblg says you are nomichat his lover. >> not the one. you know who wrote a song for me? >> stephen: who? >> elton john. >> that's right! philadelphia freedom. that gets to the nut meat of what i want to talk about here. for our younger viewers, i want them to know what a legend you are. because besides winning 39 grand slam titles-- six wimbledon singles championships, four u.s. open titles. 40 years ago this month you engaged in something called the battle of sexes with a guy named bobby riggs. >> it was huge. >> stephen: enormous. >> no social media, only four channels, no cable t.v. whoa! (laughter). >> stephen: people watched it all over the world! >> yes. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it was incredible. it was incredible. it was like al

. >> stephen: sounds like a stripper. (laughter) thank you so much, meteorologist gary england profiled in captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org > ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ (whirring)

stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: good to have you with us, in here, out there, all around the world. thank you so much. happy anniversary, nation! you may not remember but i do. five years ago today lehman brothers filed for bankruptcy triggering the worst financial financial crisis since the great depression. bet you all had forgotten. but i even got you a cake. there you go. it's a, it's actually a bunch of cake, some fresh, some spoiled. bundled into a larger cake derivative, all right. now fair warning there might be some poop in there too. (laughter) but it's mostly cake. now folks, it feels like only yesterday that banks were taking unethical risks with everyone's money because they were also doing it yesterday. (laughter) but america is defined by its resilient-- resilience. no matter what mistakes we make, we pick ourselves up, we dust ourselves off and come together with the courage to deny that we ever made a mistake. (cheers and applause) these people get it it's like that old saying about what

thank you for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: are the great american scream machine. folks, welcome to the show. good to have you with us. thank you for joining us in here, out there, all around the world. you know me, i don't anger easily. you have to do something really unforgivable like disagree with me. well, tonight i got a bee in my babushka about president vladimir putin. he has written an anti-american editorial in today's "the new york times". folks, it's not just in the times, it's been reprinted everywhere. it even made the front page of the drudge reportment and i was shocked to see the picture they ran with it. here he is with his dirty vodka-stained hands all over old glory. hmmmm, hmmmm. where have i seen that picture before? oh yeah, it's my promo shot from when i started this show. (cheers and applause) >> yeah. they just put putin's head on my body. and cut off my arm. my arms. oh, okay. i couldn't even figure out how they got that photo. clearly putin

. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: one assumes. explain the bold decision to get away from the automobiles and go with the 5th most popular root vegetable. without sugar beets, what happens? >> well, we wouldn't have sugar. >> stephen: why not just use sugar cane? >> because it's good sugar and it's reasonably priced. >> stephen: want to do some? >> i'll do some sugar. >> stephen: all right. mmm, mmm, mmm. pure, untouched saginaw sugar right there. where are my manners. i'm sorry. would you like some? >> i'll have some. mmm. mmm. >> stephen: whoo! so this is your first year in congress? >> yes. >> stephen: let's discuss your predecessor. >> all right. >> stephen: this is the dan kildee era. who was the guy before you? >> dale kildee. >> stephen: sorry? >> dale kildee. >> stephen: that's very similar >> he's my uncle. >> stephen: that's like nepotism. do you hear stuff like, i wish dale kildee would come back, i hate you. that's not hard for you to hear? >> i don't hear that very often. >> stephen: okay. they're whispering it then.

>> stephen: all right. >> it's a scholarly society that represents people across all the fields of learning. >> stephen: was's your field of learning before we get in this. >> my degree is in english. >> stephen: english major, you went for the-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right. you went for the big cash. >> that's right. >> stephen: all right. >> now i'm on your show. >> stephen: all right, yeah. it worked out. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: let's give the humannities the colbert bump. all right, you lament. we can do it, we can do it if you want. there you go. (cheers and applause) you lament in this report the fall of the humannities in our universities. people are not becoming humannities majors any more. why do you think that is? >> well, you overstated. it's not some of the decline as we think that all across american life starting in kindergarten through 12th grade through college and through later life there's a hunger for the things the humannities supply. and people haven't paid it as much att

stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to everybody. thank you for joining us, in the studio and all around the world. >> you are joining us for an historic evening. this is the second edition of the c-olbert book club. tonight, we are stepping away from the conflict in syria, because apparently that was the united states. a lot of details still to be worked out and we will get into those tomorrow, but the upshot is that america will not attack syria for gassing its citizens if they give up their chemicals weapons. >> it is like if you decapitate add co-worker, so they are taking away your ax. but you get to keep your job and your hatchett. >> be good now! be good! okay. anyway, forget that stuff. it is a downer. let's get to the book club. already in progress. >> now, as you know, i am a powerful media mogul. i have got my own show, i have got my best selling book. i have got an award winning twitter feed! and, of course, i have my massive daily e-mail blast of the internet best forwards. critics have raved, unsubscribe but i don't hav

>> stephen: i didn't read it. it was assigned in tenth grade, and, you know, i think i get holden caulfield because i said i am not going to read that. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: i am more holden caulfield that holden caulfield, really. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you really think we should teach this stuff to the kids? because it had bad words in it and it has a prostitute in it and that is some spicy stuff. do we need to be reinforcing our kids bad behavior as teenagers with the idea they could be a character in a great novel? dad, i wasn't disobeying you, i was exploring modes of alienation. >> well, i would certainly want them to be introduced to that book rather than be trained in pompousness, pretentiousness, bogus spirituality, such as you find in the class stories. >> stephen: now, wait a second. wait a second. the glass family stories, franny and zooey, and the carpenters, even down at the dingy if you want to. >> those are -- >> stephen: those are some of his finest works, some of his greatest works

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, so much. thank you in there, out there, all around the world. thank you for joining us. and by "us" of course i mean us. ( cheers and applause ) we're a family now because i've adopted them. ( laughter ) come tax time i will be claiming them as dependents. in addition to being honored on the emmys, i was promptly featured on a television show people actually watch. >> you wea awake? >> yeah. >> we have ben & jerry's, wenut butter cup, and americone dream. >> stephen: that's right. my ice cream. americone dream. the only ice cream liked by sociopathic white strem sifts. it does keep the vanilla separate from the caramel. this is the biggest cue since "silence of the lambs" endorsed nivea. folks, i believe-- it's about damn time they did this after all the times i have plugged their product "the blue." upon what might put you in the mindset for mayhem? a nice big bag of meth. some of the tasty blue. hey, i plug what the network tells me to. sometimes it's doritos. sometimes i

>> stephen: good question. who is the jackass who blames gun violence on video games. >> it's a whole host of things. mental health, guns, video games. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: he's right. television is violent. eric bolling just kicked himself in thealls! balls! qu >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. our guest tonight has a book called "the traveling sprinkler." it's like "on the road" but for sprinklers. please welcome nicholson. you've written nine novels including and five non-fiction books. your latest is a novel called traveling with sprinklers. would you also throw in the garden weasel $40 value absolutely free? (cheers and applause) >> the traveling sprinkleers the reason i chose it for title of the book is because i wanted to think about the way we we live -- we live by -- swre a kind of garden of thought, maybe. the things that we're preoccupied by and we arrange a hose around those things and we put the traveling sprinkler on it and we wet it. >> stephen: what is the traveling sprinkler.

>> stephen colbert -- i couldn't be happier for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: no, no, no. no, jon, no. you are not! >> your historic streak has been snapped by me! >> that's fine. i feel great. i love and respect you. i have unbelievable admiration for everybody who works here. you guys are awesome. i just stopped by to congratulate you. >> stephen: well, maybe so. that that's fine, but what about your staff, they have to be crying in their cups. >> you know we don't give them cups. you saw them at the emmys when you guys won they jumped out of their chairs, they are genuinely, everyone at the show is genuinely, just happy for you guys, i they couldn't be prouder to be around you guys. i don't know. >> stephen: but i beat you. >> i mean, yeah, you beat us, but i mean we are friend and colleagues and you are the emergency contact on my gym membership. i mean -- >> stephen: jon, why can't you just be upset, okay? i mean, really? it is really important to me that i have crushed you. >> well, i mean, if my being upset about, you know, breaking the ten year winning streak would

2010. >> stephen: 2010. okay, you were going to be given a position, the department of homeland security and questions were raised about your knowledge of enhancing interrogation and you removed yourself. >> correct. >> stephen: from the nomination process. >> so far you got t that's correct. >> stephen: so far i have got t stop me when i don't have it any more. were you involved in enhanced interrogation and dow believe we should be doing it? >> i was involved and deputy directed the counter ter cyst center that conducted those interrogation techniques and housed al qaeda prisoners. i don't regret what we did then but since thened american people have had the time and the space to debate this issue. and they've said we don't like it and we don't want our security services doing it. so i respect that, the security service in a democratic society served at the will of the people. and the will of the people has spoken. >> stephen: do you think it might swing back, we get attacked again. >> no way, no way. >> s

>> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. (cheers and applause) folks, folks, you know we are still-- if you know anything about the news business, folks, august is notoriously a slow news month. who can forget the summer of '75 when walter cronkite did a ten part series on spoons, the middle child of the dinner table. (laughter) still, every few augusts you get a story so big you can't help but sink your teeth into it. and tonight i'm proud to say we have the latest on the gripping story of the rodeo clown who put on an obama mask. (laughter) yes, i'm sure you all know. some said the media would be thrown off this rodeo story in a second. (laughter) but nobody, nobody rides this kind of bull like the heroes of cable news. jim? >> from the state fair asked the crowd if they wanted to see a rodeo clown with an obama mask run down by a bull. another clown playing with the obama mask slips. >> a rodeo clown who performed during the missouri stat

. >> stephen: sounds like a stripper. (laughter) thank you so much, meteorologist gary england profiled in

>> stephen: we've met before. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: mostly hang out at the grammys, you know, stuff like that. you, of course, p.beautifully with kid rock. >> i have, indeed. >> stephen: at the rally to restore... that jon and i did. thank you for doing that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that was fun. other people might know you from your music career. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, you are a nine-time grammy award winner. you've sold more than 50 million albums worldwide. michael jackson can kiss your ass. that's insane. >> i'm so much bigger than him. >> stephen: i know. why have you done so much? at the beginning of your career you told us all you want to do is have fun. isn't that clearly a lie? don't you really want to have an incredible work ethic? >> no, not at all you. >> stephen: still want to have fun? >> i still want to have fun. >> stephen: you want to get drunk in the morning? >> that's true. i have two little kids. they're used to it, though. >> stephen: well, you look good for somebody who wakes and bakes. >> i have a crack team that works 24 hours a day to get me

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what can i say. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. folks, folks, i want to thank you and thank you for letting me latch on to you like an emotional lamprey an suck the joy from your young vital bodies until they are as dry as a crouton. (laughter) >> stephen: because folks, there's a lot of depressing news out there. chemical weapons in syria, radiation in fukushima, breaking bad is ending. even worse, i'm starting to think that hank and walt may not end up together. (laughter) well, folks, you know when i need a little pick me up, i always dip into stephen colbert's smile file. tonight's smile file, ariel castro. (laughter) now folks, you might be saying stephen ariel castro is a vial monster whose suicide this week is just the darkened to a dark life. how can anything associated with that man possibly make me smile? that's what i thought. until i tuned in to fox news's the five starring eric bolling who always cease the glass as hal

. >> stephen: sounds like a stripper. (laughter) thank you so much, meteorologist gary england profiled in captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org > [ cheers and applause ] [ british accent ] thank you very much. marvelous. well, thank you. thank you very much. settle. settle. settle down. right. that's far too -- that's too much. good. well, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much indeed. i'm jimmy carr. i'm one of the biggest faces in british comedy. literally, i've got one of the biggest faces. look at the size of that. it's like the moon. probably affecting your menstrual cycle just being this close. [ laughter ] i had hassle getting out this evening. i had to organize a babysitter. i don't have children. i've just found they're a lot cheaper than escorts. there's pretty much nothing they won't do for $40. i heard a little smattering of applause for that. well done, you. when i told my mum i wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said, "you can't do both." i'm

>> that's right, stephen. for his kitten killing, joe lhota can choose from a bat, a 10 inch drop board knife, his choice of hammer, monkey wrench or a classic burlap bag filled with rocks to toss into the east river. all this plus the colbert bump can be yours joe lhota if you'll just -- >> kill that kitten. >> stephen: mr. lhota i will be waiting for you in my studio but please take a car. the subway is infested with these monsters. we'll be right back. >> welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. folks, if you watched this show you know i'm in bitter competition with the oprah book club. well, next tuesday september 10th we'll have our second installment of the colbert book club this time dedicated to author j.d. salinger. so by next tuesday, read anything you want by salinger except catcher in the rye. i don't care for it. please join us, i guarantee it will be a perfect night for banana fish. that's a literary reference. i'm told. go over here. folks, you know it is a dangerous world out there and we are c