first name is stephen. >>, is t-e-v-e-n-? >>. >> stephen: p.h.. i'm not an animal. >> and your middle initial? >> stephen: tyrone mos def. >> do you have a suffix? >> stephen: i do, it's d.f.a. heavyweight champion of the world featuring -- >> oh, there's more? >> stephen: featuring flo-rida. >> rider. >> stephen: rida. ♪ i got that bubble yum bum does obamacare cover bubble yum bums? >> i don't know what bubble yum bum is. sorry. and i need your birth date, please. >> stephen: are you getting me a present? >> um, no. >> stephen: how old would you say i am, debbie? >> um, i'm not very good at guessing ages. >> stephen: whatever, just guess guess. best -- guess. >> i don't like --. >> stephen: oh, it's all just fun! it's fun! >> i don't like guessing. >> stephen: i'll do you first. >> okay. >> stephen: 64. >> (laughs) no. that eke okay. >> stephen: go, a ahead, you're not going to hurt my feelings. >> >> okay, 30. >> stephen: very good. i was born in 1983. (laughter) >> now you're male, right? >> stephen: last time i checked. (laughs) >> the next

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, please, nation, sit down! thank you so much! folks, good to have you with us. folks, i got, it's not always this way but tonight that chanting was as crisp as an october morning. (laughter) nation, i'm back from my vacation. hi a great time. i spent it screaming obscenities at park rangers. (laughter) and of course the big story while i was gone is the end of the government shutdown. (cheers and applause) now congress can get back to the important work of government gridlock. (laughter) the shutdown cost the economy $24 billion and caused china to lower our credit rating to a minus, or as chinese parents call it an f. (laughter) this whole crisis, this whole crisis was so dramatic it lead some to ask is the united states a failed state? that is a headline from zimbabwe. (laughter) that's like ted cruz asking have you really thought your strategy through. (laughter) speaking of which, mr. ted cruz knows which

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ( cheers and applause ) y thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. i don't know what it is. i don't know what it is about this audience. ( cheers and applause ). i don't know what it is about you people, but right now i am fighting a very strong urge to come out there and give you big hugs. ( cheers and applause ) folks, i have to tell you at home. these people smell fantastic. ( applause ) now, nation as a traditionalist who sees the world with commonsense clarity, these days a lot of our value judgments i believe are just plain wrong. for instance, if we really want to help sick kids, why do we make medicine bottles with childproof caps? ( laughter ) am i the only one thinking these things? keep going. yeah. ( laughter ) well, apparently i am not, because the viewers are always riding me for answers. for instance, are these letters? let's find out. all right. ( laughter ) here we go. yup. right there. yup, this is one. it says, "ste

>> correct. >> stephen: who did you sfwhaet >> the kiwis, the new zealand team. >> stephen: as an australian, did that feel good? >> oh, mate. (laughter) you beat those hobbit humpers. (laughter) >> i'm not going to lie to you, mate, it feels fantastic. >> stephen: are they the ones that set the rules that it would be on the hydro foil boats is? >> we were the last one, brought it to san francisco bay, pulled out the new boat, new format. now we do it again so we come up with the rules. obviously this is a huge success and for the first time non-sailors are watching sailing on t.v.. who would have thought. >> stephen: like right now. >> like, exactly. so that's what's so cool and exciting. >> stephen: can i suggest somethinging? say to this larry: how about next time same boat but you sail just on an ocean of his cash. (laughter) >> i'll give it a go. i won't promise anything. next time i speak to him i may bring that up. we'll see. >> stephen: what about me? i sail. if you need a crew member, i make excellent ballast. (cheers and applause) 6- >> i tell you what, i brought this hat along bec

>>. >> stephen, please let me go! >> stephen: i want more "breaking bad!" >> it's over, i just can't write anymore. >> stephen: it's over when i say it's over! >> there's no story left to tell. >> stephen: what about badger? city pete? what about fuel? what about to him. what about walt, jr.? what about to jesse? did he get in a car accident? he was driving pretty fast! what about walter? maybe he's not dead! maybe he was making it. maybe he's got a twin brother. maybe he was just dreaming the whole time and he's still back in new hampshire or still sitting in the doctor's office in the first episode looking at that mustard stain! there's got to be an answer! use your imagination. >> stephen, please. >> stephen: keep typing, bitch! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org dee: i don't know. what do you think? it's kind of doing nothing for my hip area and making a mess of my boobs. you know what? why don't you go grab five more? look, we don't normally do this, but i think i'm going

(cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen"). >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. please, ladies and gentlemen. sit down, folks. you know, i like giving you good news but i'm afraid it's sad to say this congress right now is the least popular of all time. just thinking about what's going on on capitol hill makes people nauseous. nausea, by the way, more popular than congress. (laughter) and republicans in congress are the most-least popular. (laughter) one reason is that they disappointed their base by voting to raise the debt ceiling on the flimsy excuse of avoiding a galactic economic meltdown. well, yesterday senate republicans did their best to fix that mistake when 27 g.o.p. senators voted to disapprove of their previous votes to raise the debt ceiling. (laughter) i believe the motion was titled "s.r.-346, fiscal i call backsies." (laughter) and, folks, it was not easy for them to get this vote. mitch mcconnell had to negotiate with harry reid so that the r

thai. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! steepen. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. all right, folks. hello, ladies and gentlemen. ladies and gentlemen, in the television viewing audience, if you only know what these people have been through tonight. ( laughter ) nation, it is day 8 of the government shutdown. tomorrow, of course, is day 10 because 9 has been furloughed. folks, this shutdown has made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. although, that could just abe reaction from uninspected shrimp. ( laughter ) the point is, this shutdown has been much ado about nothing so far. but the timmy "titanics" out there are screaming iceberg again. because unless a deal is struck on october 17, america will reach its tet ceiling and our nation could default, and surprise, surprise-- that's supposed to be bad, too ( laughter ). >> with the most important economy in the world washington the the reserve currency of the world, payments have stoog out to people. if money doesn't flow in, then money doesn't flow out. >> it would be a calamity because almos

>> everyday. >> stephen: stphoupbg. >> oh, from dawn to dusk. >> stephen: how many days? (laughter) is there some secret here you don't want me to snow there's a two-month gap in your life you don't want people to know about on malta. >> i'm gonna say two months, you know. better part of ten weeks. >> stephen: a guy like you at this point, can't you go to some big green sound stage and point at tennis balls glued to the wall and say "look, pirates, they're coming!" >> in fact, there's a cd-rom of all the information you need. you enter into the code and my hands will move any way you want me to, my eyes with well you have with tears at the punch of a button. >> stephen: can i get that? (laughter) i've got some movies i'd like to put tom hanks in. would you rather do something fiction or nonfiction? i was watching it with somebody who didn't know it was ale a real story. >> i'd like -- i've always been interested in nonfiction. i started reading it very young and i thought what really happened by and large is more interesting than anything you can say. even, like, reading

6- >> stephen: wow. (cheers and applause) >> that was also my american hair, you notice in that clip as well. >> stephen: it was, yeah. (laughter) what's your hope for an american accent? what do you say to get you started? >> you know what? i didn't -- i think because i spent a lot of time around americans growing up on the "harry potter" set my kind of generic american accent is based on chris columbus who directed the first two films. and also as a kid in england you are kind of sufficient fused with american culture. like if i was playing with soldiers as a kid or action people i would give them american accents. >> stephen: really. (laughs) really? because our army knows how to kick ass? >> well, to be honest, there is a -- >> stephen: (as a typical american) we've gone into iraq, it's a huge mistake! >> is that you doing an english person doing an american? >> stephen: that's my impression of an english person doing an american accent. i don't want to get into the "harry potter" thing too much here

thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. nation, thank you for joining me in here, out there, all around the world. mr. and mrs. america. nation, you know it is day 10 of the government shutdown. you know what day 10. let me actually just add that to my frequent shutdown punch card here. right there. oh, hey! i win a free c.d.c. ebola morningy. all right, that's fantastic. now, folks, tonight, tonight, there are dramatic new developments in the obama-boehner shutdown debt ceiling tag team death match. there has evidently been some progress in that they have found new things to completely disagree about. all right, that, information, that is the big news. but i've only told it to you so far. i haven't newsed it at awe. ( laughter ) and we all know that is the ultimate show of a tv newsman. you may not then because you're not in the biz, but we in broadcasting tend to model ourselves on our heroes heroes. sean hannity modeled himself on ground beef. ( laughter ) i myself, i myself, look to the un

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. are you sunshine on the roses of my patriotism. and you know, nation, there is nothing more precious in america than the first amendment. without it, i would not have this show to convince you that there's nothing more precious than the second amendment. ( laughter ) and that's why it is my duty to fight censorship wherever and whenever i have cleared it. naturally, i am outraged on a recent clamp-down on one of the america's bastions of freedom. >> it's no shock to anyone on youtube. users on the web site can be mean and downright northwest. google is now hoping to change that. the youtube owners have just rolled out a new system that will put the top comment from people you know or care about, not just who has commented most recently. video creators will also get to moderate conversations and block certain words. >> stephen: nation, this is an unprecedented attack on free speech. youtube comments are the freest spe

>> stephen: you did! >> i can do that again for you if you like. >> it's a very el *fen thing to do. >> let's go back to "romeo and juliet". are you updated? are you in tights or is this one of those things where it's -- >> i wear tights under my jeans. (laughter). >> stephen: so it's jeans and i understand you drive a motorcycle. >> i do. >> stephen: is it swords or chain fights. >> it's knives. >> stephen: oh, really? you know what it sounds like? "west side story." (cheers and applause) you should do that sometime. >> i should have but it didn't have the iambic pentameter and i was missing that. (laughter). >> stephen: you've been part of huge franchises here. obviously "lord of the rings" and "pirates of the caribbeans." all the "of thes" you've been part of. any chance for a sequel on this one? >> it could be, yeah. well, i did go for a -- we did do a little alteration on the end of the play because there was a possibility. because all i do is trilogies. (laughter) trilogies or sequels so when i sign

. >> stephen: can guto princeton? >> yes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like your style. what's going to be the lasting legacy of wilson? is there anything in obama that we see from wilson? >> well i think there are a lot of things we see in obama, although i think he could take a few pages out of of the wilson playbook, and that is have more of a conversation with the congress and with the country for that matter. >> stephen: i understand that wilson actually put the idea of nationalized health care on the table 100 years ago. >> this was something that first came up. >> stephen: so, really, obamacare is a discussion that started 100 years ago. >> almost every progressive idea came up with woodrow wilson. >> stephen: what was wilson's balmcare web site like? was it any better back in 1913? i think at this point, steam power might be better than what we have. >> i think it worked better, but you know, we're going to get this fixed. i think. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, we shall see.

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. folks, what you are saying to me right now, you make me feel like joshua an we're going to tear down the walls of injury cotonight. now nation, it is day three of the government shutdown and it is a critical moment in our nation's history. and not just because yogurt left by furloughed federal workers are passing their expiration date. now it's also because yesterday the president invited congressional leaders from both sides to the white house. >> i have to tell you, speaker boehner just came out even though it was a relatively long meeting, over an hour, and basically said there was no progress. >> both sides emerging with no deal and no signs of progress. >> no progress by all accounts. that's the only thing that they have actually agreed on. >> stephen: that's right, the only thing they've actually agreed on was that they made no progress. (laughter) but that agreement is itself progress. so the only thi

. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! steepen. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. all right, folks. hello, ladies and gentlemen. ladies and gentlemen, in the television viewing audience, if you only know what these people have been through tonight. ( laughter ) nation, it is day 8 of the government shutdown. tomorrow, of course, is day 10 because 9 has been furloughed. folks, this shutdown has made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. although, that could just abe reaction from uninspected shrimp. ( laughter ) the point is, this shutdown has been much ado about nothing so far. but the timmy "titanics" out there are screaming iceberg again. because unless a deal is struck on october 17, america will reach its tet ceiling and our nation could default, and surprise, surprise-- that's supposed to be bad, too ( laughter ). >> with the most important economy in the world washington the the reserve currency of the world, payments have stoog out to people. if money doesn't flow in, then money doesn't flow out. >> it would be a calamity because almos

>>. >> stephen, please let me go! >> stephen: i want more "breaking bad!" >> it's over, i just can't write anymore. >> stephen: it's over when i say it's over! >> there's no story left to tell. >> stephen: what about badger? city pete? what about fuel? what about to him. what about walt, jr.? what about to jesse? did he get in a car accident? he was driving pretty fast! what about walter? maybe he's not dead! maybe he was making it. maybe he's got a twin brother. maybe he was just dreaming the whole time and he's still back in new hampshire or still sitting in the doctor's office in the first episode looking at that mustard stain! there's got to be an answer! use your imagination. >> stephen, please. >> stephen: keep typing, bitch! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is i do

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, mandy. now then, dow take mike to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse in sickness and in health until death do you part? >> i do and mike do you do all that same stuff but with the word wife in there? >> i do. >> stephen: ten by the power vested in me by the state of new york and the entire viacom family of entertainment network, i now pronounce you man and wife. you may kiss the bride. (cheers and applause) yea, keep going, man. you're married. go for it, all right all right, that's enough, that's enough. and now for the first dance for the happy couple please welcome five time tony award winner audra mcdonald. (cheers and applause) ♪ hey little sister what have you done ♪ ♪ hey little sister ♪ who's the only one ♪ hey little sister who's your ♪ ♪ hey little sister who's the one you want ♪ ♪ hey little sister ♪ shotgun ♪ it's a nice day ♪ it's nice day for a white wedding ♪ ♪ nice day ♪ take me bac

stephen! stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for being in here, out there, all around the world. ladies and gentlemen, i only have one question for you-- are you ready to get these bastards? >> yes! >> stephen: how long have they had a free ride? >> too long! ( laughter ). >> stephen: folks, thank you for being with us, on this, day two of the federal government shutdown and surprise, surprise. we're all still here. is there is nothing the government provides that cannot be replace the by an individual with a pine cone wielding dagger will require. and we will get through this, folks, because we have done it before. >> it's been 17 years since the last government shutdown. >> the last federal government shutdown started in 1995. it was a budget dispute between president clinton and newt gingrich. it lasted 28 days. >> stephen: >> stephen: back then i packed a survival kit for the next time the government shut down. let's just unpa

stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for being in here, out there, all around the world. ladies and gentlemen, i only have one question for you-- are you ready to get these bastards? >> yes! >> stephen: how long have they had a free ride? >> too long! ( laughter ). >> stephen: folks, thank you for being with us, on this, day two of the federal government shutdown and surprise, surprise. we're all still here. is there is nothing the government provides that cannot be replace the by an individual with a pine cone wielding dagger will require. and we will get through this, folks, because we have done it before. >> it's been 17 years since the last government shutdown. >> the last federal government shutdown started in 1995. it was a budget dispute between president clinton and newt gingrich. it lasted 28 days. >> stephen: >> stephen: back then i packed a survival kit for the next time the government shut down. let's just unpa

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) folks, thank you so much. thank you for joining us. folks, if you know me an i hope you do, if you watch this show, you know i will do anything in my power to support our military short of enlisting. (laughter) frankly, folks, i cannot even look at our so-called commander in chief. jimmy, can i get a picture of him please. thank you. (laughter) he is always weakening our military preparedness and unity cohesion. first he gets rid of don't ask don't tell. suddenly an officer and a gentleman sounds like date night. and now, now this. >> the department of defence is thinking about spending millions and millions of your dollars to buy our marines new hats or as they call them covers. and here's the problem. apparently not many want to wear them. some people think the new hat looks far too girlly. >> looks to me like the fem anyization of the marine corps. >> stephen: clearly the fem anyization of marine corp. i mean they're cutting off the