>> stephen: hi! we won for show and we won for riding last week and now we're going to go celebrate in the official emmy parking garage, because that's glamour, that's hollywood. and thank you, nation. this is "the colbert report"! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report"! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, all around the world, nation, huge show tonight! i am either very happy about the emmys or wondering why i went. (laughter) either way, i cannot wait to find out how i am so hung over. oh, excuse me, hold on a second. my stover frozen dinner is ready! and, oh, kids! there's nothing i enjoy more than eating a nice, hot stouffer's family-size lasagna. after this, i will feel like i've got a baby in me! (laughter) and the reason i'm stouffin' my face is this crowd hails from the 78th installment from my 434th part series! ohio's 11th, include

stephen: it's called "nightmares." >> yeah. >> stephen: (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you're a quadruple threat at this point. >> yeah. >> stephen: isn't it a little late in your career to vie with james franco for most well-rounded alum? >> yeah yeah, (laughter) >> stephen: you ever call him and say, i'm coming for you with a book, (bleep)! >> i'm trying to focus. >> stephen: really? >> my whole career, i have been walking the line between child-like wonder and incredibly creepy. >> stephen: this seems like both! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: mom, i've met a wonderful guy, his name is jason, he has child-like wonder and is incredibly creepy (laughter) >> yeah. so i wrote the muppet movie. >> stephen: yeah. >> that's incredibly cool because there's a context now. but prior to that, i was just a grown man who lived with puppets in his house. >> stephen: jason, when everyone was gone, did they talk to you? (laughter) >> whatever! >> stephen: so what's it about? >> a kid whose mother passes away. >> stephen: it's a sad story. >> he has a sad life at the beginning. that's how he perceive

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. welcome to the report. it's good to have you here. folks-- (cheers and applause) folks, i don't know if you know it, folks, i don't know if you know it but that is dancing did that chanting, that incantation of my name at the beginning of the show puts us on a path to glory. yes, i said glide flap. much better than glide path. thanks for being here. you know i love the ladies. my opinion it's one of the top five out there. and this was a huge weekend in lady news. for starters. the first time since 29008 campaign hillary clinton was in iowa to announce that she was thinking about leaning towards maybe running. and of course, you know, you know the clinton machine, they announced it perfectly. >> i'm back! >> stephen: yes, hillary's back! and i think there is no better way to launch a campaign than with a catch-phrase from a 199 movie. >> i'm back! >> stephen: thank you for your service, randy ca

i think you might even agree with me on some of this. >> stephen: probably not. >> stephen, stephen... >> stephen: tell the people watching this great viacom program why corporations are bad right now. (laughter) >> i think we've got to reach across this gap that's separating us. let's hold hands and think together. >> stephen: okay. >> corporations -- >> stephen: corporations, yes, they're people. >> they make us happy. >> stephen: they do because they provide things like this. this beautiful thing. >> exactly. >> stephen: this is a beautiful thing of the future. oh, okay. yes, that old thing! (applause) (laughter) you've got to get yourself a new girl! >> this one doesn't have the unsightly bulge in the trousers. it's the old one. >> stephen: oh really? but this one makes me look happy to see you. (laughter) in the movie, chris owns -- >> he owns nothing. he's the man who worked for a corporation. he's incredibly skilled at the computer activity. >> stephen: the playing two pianos. >> he can do that as well. he's an actor, a character and brilliant pianist in private life. but we're

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! good to have you with us! good to have you! (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. folks, folks, let me say colbert nation, on this night, i found the shofar to herald the arrival of rosh hashanah, the jewish new year, may 5775 be a year of happiness. (laughter) i still got it. (laughter) nine years later it still tastes just as rammy as ever. nice thing about a dead ram horn, it only-- it only gets dead ramier. and folks, i'm already enjoying the traditional rosh hashanah treat known among the jewish people and i hope i'm pronouncing this correctly, apples and chhoney. it expresses our hope for a sweet new year. and rosh hashanah-- rosh hashanah is just the beginning of the jewish high holiday fun. from now until yom kippur marks the time of solemn reflection and atonement known as the days of repentance, not to be confused with the upcoming blockbuste

. ♪ ♪ ♪captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, citizens. sit down! please! ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. thank you, members of the nation, citizens assembled dignitaries. smoke 'em if you've got them. metaphorically, of course. new york state law does not allow to you smoke indoors, and we're going to need all of our fighting age men and women healthy and strapping because at exactly-- ooooh. i forgot to wind my watch last night-- whatever time it is, the united states of america has heard the call of battle once again. this great nation is at war. sorry for the question mark. i just had to slap that on because i couldn't quite tell from obama's speech last night exactly-- ( laughter ) you know, uh, this, what-- what are we doing again? >> my fellow americans, following consultations with allies abroad and congress at home, i can announce that america will lead a broad coalition to roll back this terrorist threat. our objective is clear-

(audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: that's absolutely right! that is my name! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, i think if you guys weren't ut there chanting my name every night, i'm not sure i would know who i was. (cheering) folks, you watch this show. you know, as a patriot, there is nothing i love more than celebrating the overthrow of the british monarchy and telling king george where he can stick his crumpet! and as an irish american whose ancestors were driven west of the river shannon to farm rocks, i would like to see buckingham palace turned into a public urinal for the indigent and the insane. (laughter) but on the other hand -- >> another royal baby is on the way. >> another royal baby is on the way. >> we have a spare to the heir. >> the heir and the spare. >> it's an heir and a spare. >> oh my goooooooood! an heir and spare! i can't believe i care! but i do! we did it! well, technically will and kate did it. (laughter) so magical. it's a fairytale. the royals are truly a special

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you ladies and gentlemen. thank you for being here. folks, i cannot tell you how much i appreciate you being here. (cheers and applause) >> folks, thank you so much. for that energy and thank you so much for being here on this quite possibly the last episode of the colbert report. listen, i planned, i planned-- you're a little late. i planned on going till mid-december but america might not last that long. (laughter) because the whole damn world is swirling down the toilet boil, which is also full of planes. (laughter) how both of those are possible, i don't know. i'm going to say fracking. (laughter) but isis is putting on horrific murder videos that are so crushing to even consider. and its at dark times like this that we americans need our president to step on to the world stage and declare that america is going to hunt down the bad guys and give them a taste of what general washington used to call the old wooden groin berries. (laughter) yes, he also had wooden balls. a t

(cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to the report. good to have you with us, folks. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. folks, i'm so glad you're here. i'm so glad you have got love and you've got energy tonightment i come out here night after night, i don't do this show-- i don't do this show for 9 praise. i don't do this show for the money. i do this show to make your life better. (cheers and applause) >> jon: . >> stephen: now folks, there's so much horrible news out there right now. the ebola epidemic is spreading. isis continues their reign of terror and evidently, and i did not see this coming, the nfl employs some violent people. (laughter) i know. who could predict that? but no matter how rough the news gets, you know what they say, when the going gets tough, the tough escape into a world of fantasy. and i am personally a huge fan of the genre from the lord of the rings, to the chroni

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. ( cheers and applause ) folks, folks-- you know me. you know what we do. you know that i have never been a fan of attorney general and guy who likes what he sees eric holder. well, today we found out that not only is he a jack-booted thug, but it turns out he's also a quitter. >> breaking news. a major departure from president obama's cabinet. eric holder, the first african american attorney general of the united states and the closest friend in the cabinet to president obama, is going to announce today he is leaving the post. >> yes, obama's presidency is sinking so fast, even his friend won't stick around. and i'm being told we have some foot annual of holder escaping collapsing obama regime in the nick of time. ( cheers and applause ) i gotta say, i'm with mitch mcconnell here. this is very exciting. holder will be leaving in 2015, but so far, no replacement has been named. so tonight, i humbly offer. my services as attorney general. ( cheers and a

stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, citizens. sit down! please! ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. thank you, members of the nation, citizens assembled dignitaries. smoke 'em if you've got them. metaphorically, of course. new york state law does not allow to you smoke indoors, and we're going to need all of our fighting age men and women healthy and strapping because at exactly-- ooooh. i forgot to wind my watch last night-- whatever time it is, the united states of america has heard the call of battle once again. this great nation is at war. sorry for the question mark. i just had to slap that on because i couldn't quite tell from obama's speech last night exactly-- ( laughter ) you know, uh, this, what-- what are we doing again? >> my fellow americans, following consultations with allies abroad and congress at home, i can announce that america will lead a broad coalition to roll back this terrorist threat. our objective is clear-- we will degrade and ultimately destroy isil through a comprehensive and sustained counte

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to the report. good to have you with us, folks. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. folks, i'm so glad you're here. i'm so glad you have got love and you've got energy tonightment i come out here night after night, i don't do this show-- i don't do this show for 9 praise. i don't do this show for the money. i do this show to make your life better. (cheers and applause) >> jon: . >> stephen: now folks, there's so much horrible news out there right now. the ebola epidemic is spreading. isis continues their reign of terror and evidently, and i did not see this coming, the nfl employs some violent people. (laughter) i know. who could predict that? but no matter how rough the news gets, you know what they say, when the going gets tough, the tough escape into a world of fantasy. and i am personally a huge fan of the genre from the lord of the rings, to the chronicles of narnia to the noteb

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, all around the world. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, i don't have to tell you, folks, i do not have to tell you that the world out there is spinning out of control. the middle east is in flames. russian troops have crossed into ukraine, but the biggest news this weekend was the shocking invasion of boob-istan. jim. >> a hacking scandal is rocking hollywood this morning. >> a user on the popular photo-sharing site 4chan posted personal risque photographs sunday of numerous a-list celebrities in various stages of undress. >> a-list stars like jennifer lawrence, kate upton. >> singers rihanna and ariana grande and more than 100 other famous women in what many call the biggest celebrity hacking ever. >> stephen: the story, i believe, was broken-- story, i believe, was broke know by 14-year-old benjamin pearlman of akron, ohio who has diligently spent

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! i hear your call. full disclosure-- i am not an attorney, but i'm pretty good at things in general. and i'm a quick learner when it comes to legal matters. one time, i fell asleep during a "law and order" marathon and woke up knowing the word "jurisprudence." it's only a matter of time before i know what it means. and as our new attorney general, my thirst for justice will not be slaked until we solve cold cases like the untimely death last february of celbrated weather-predicting groundhog, staten island chuck. he'll be forever remembered in our hearts as the one that wasn't punxsutawney phil. because now a startling new revelation has come to light that suggests chuck's death may have been... murder! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) why are we just learning about this now? because it turns out this grisly tale of rodenticide goes all the way to the highest office in the land, then back down a few rungs to the mayor of new york city. jim? >> the new york post is reporting the groundhog, hoisted into th

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (laughter) (cheers and applause) within scotland's road to independence is sure to be a breeze. here to tell me just how breezy it's going to be is assistant u.s. editor of the guardian matt wells. matt, thanks so much for being here. matt, guardian, england's newspaper. do you think that scotland should secede. >> yes, i think scotland should succeed and secede. >> stephen: what's the difference? >> look, the union has lasted 307 years. and for much of that time it's britain and scotland very well indeed. but the ties that band the union together things like the british empire, the british statehood that went with a century of fighting two world wars, they have faded now. and the institutions have released them and feel distant and discredited. >> stephen: will it be good for everybody? for them to secede? >> yeah. >> stephen: is that going to be positive for scotland and england? >> it will be very good for scotland. and i don't think it will be bad for en

♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everyone! thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you! folks, thank you so much! i tell you, these people out there, they are the ones generating all the energy and all the heroism! these are the it-getters! i just ride the waves of their truth. nation, i hope i don't have to tell you that america faces an existential threat from the brutal terrorists in i.s.i.s., also known as "the islamic state." (laughter) by the way, that is not safety school. (laughter) i.s.i.s. has become my official number-one enemy. you're off the hook for now, raisins in salad. (laughter) now, president pacifist has finally declared kinda-sorta war, which i kinda-sorta support. (laughter) i know some of you are asking, "doesn't he need congressional approval to declare war?" to which i respond, "shut up, greg." (laughter) congress already gave president obama all the authority he needs back when he was a better president. (laughter) jim? >> it is the view of this administrat

(laughter) >> stephen: you know how it is! you know how it is, you see your youth slipping away, so you go out and get an exotic new sports tank, and cheat on your wife with your other wives. and you try to diet, but you still can't fit into your high school suicide vest. worst of all, isis has now attracted the most violent, heavily-armed people on earth -- americans. >> new details emerging about american jihadist douglas mccain. he wasn't the only terrorist to come from robbinsdale coopers high school in minnesota. we now know troy castagar who went overseas to fight an al quaida group with mccain's classmate. could there be a third terrorist athill robbinsdale coopers? this gunmen is wearing a shirt saying cooper hawks, the same as the high school mascot. >> stephen: cooper hawks! they leave it "all" out on the field. especially after a drone strike. their prom theme this year was israel under the sea. (laughter) and while isis is a relatively new terror group, this conflict has its roots in the seventh-century sunni-shiit

>> stephen: yes, can i give it to you, too? >> yes. >> stephen: what do you have? a pudding. >> stephen: i have a blueberry cobbler. >> whoo! >> stephen: if i do that with mine, it's going to be a mess. >> okay. >> stephen: okay, here we go. no, this is basically kind of an edition of my nah an's pudding. >> stephen: that's a form of decoupage? >> yes, if you brush it on, it stains inside. no, it goes wafer thin crisp once you've done it but it gets better. what you can do, once you brush this beautiful thing -- this is a beautiful thing. what i do is i get beautiful dates, that's the secret iningredient, and i rehydrate them in earl grey tea. that's a twist of flavor. >> stephen: when you start cooking you're like a marvel superhero (laughter) you talk in a completely different way! >> once you've done that, i like to simply fill the o orifice with -- (audience reacts) >> and then, like the james bond champagne, if you can just cut yourself a w wedge, a regular portion, and just let it all ooze out. >> stephen: ahhh! oh, jesus! oh, my god! >> and that's a big port

. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. good to have you with us. (cheers and applause) thank you so nachings, thank you so much, everybody. folks, please sit down. nation, yeah, as you know, by now if you were watching this-- if you were watching this, folks, if you were watching this on a television, and i hope you are, by now president obama has gone on the air tonight to outline his plan to degrade and destroy-- destroy isis. reports are with only 15 minutes long it would make sense. you don't need a whole lot of time to say my fellow americans-- (laughter) then i assume he fills out the hour by doing weather and sports. now i tape my show at 7:00, folks, so i have no idea what he said tonight. all i know is that i completely agree with what andrea tantaros said at 5:00, four hours before the president's speech. >> i'm very deeply troubled by what he will say. >> stephen: i couldn't have agreed more. (laughter) because i also have not seen it, and i am furious about what i any it will be. (laughter) we'll have full cove

♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: whoo! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the report," everybody! thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen! please, sit down! nation, it is a great day! this is a great day to be an american! daddy is revved up! if you could see me from the waist down, i'd be arrested. (laughter) jimmy, tell 'em why. >> we are getting breaking news live right now. we have reports that military operations in syria have begun. >> the u.s. and a coalition of five arab allies leading airstrikes in syria using bombers and drones and missiles. >> the attacks destroying or damaging multiple targets, including training compounds, headquarters, and command and control facilities. >> stephen: yes, america is bringing the hammer down on i.s.i.s. to drive them out of syria and hand that country back to its rightful leader. oh, (bleep). okay. well there's got to be someone who can hold that region together. anyone seen saddam lately? oh, right, right, right... the spi

. >> stephen: you're not high. >> no. >> stephen: i'm not wearing a wire. you can tell me. >> we have witnesses. >> stephen: on average, there were about 3,000 swat teams raids every year. there are 50,000 swat team raids every year now. what can i do to make sure that never happens to me? ( laughter ) >> well, behave yourself. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: all right, i am. >> and secondly, work with your neighbors. work with your community. organize, mobilize, tell your police department that we do not want to see this military equipment and she these military tactics employed in everyday, routine, sometimes not-so-routine circumstances. >> stephen: um, well, um, i'll tell you what, i hope there's never a reason to have you back. ( laughter ) but thank you so much for joining me. ( cheers and applause ). norm stamper, the author of "breaking rank." we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ♪ t-mobile's network has more data capacity than verizon or at&t. it's a network designed differently. a network designed data strong. my son is going to wash

. >> stephen: i can? i can? tell me when i get there. >> okay. >> stephen: all right, let me try, let me try to thank you and see if i get there. >> see, you are wearing it out. >> stephen: oh i want to you remember wrefer you go. >> stephen: yes. >> whatever job you have. >> stephen: yes. >> you have a desk and a mic, and two chairs. call me. (applause) >> stephen: bill cosby. (applause) we'll be right back. get a large, two-topping pizza for just $7.99, at pizzahut.com. a deal this good only lives online, so for a limited time try the $7.99 online deal, any day of the week when you order at pizzahut.com. the best pizza hut deals live online. pizza hut! mm. feel it. j.j. watt? you know there's a game on tonight right, amy? oh, i know, but it's my turn to chaperone. right, but you could do both. how? nfl mobile is now free with the more everything plan from verizon. i have verizon! download it, you can watch the game right here. come on, let's boogie! oh, helen. for the first time watch live local sunday games o

not a chance. >> stephen: no? no, i wouldn't want to get in that. >> stephen: yeah. (laughter) is this a strict sort of band-mate relationship, or is it father-son -- do you have to say, don't make me pull this tour bus over? come back here, young man? (laughter) >> no, my wife and i always joke that he's the most mature person in the family, and that's because he had better parents than we did. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, according to one of your dad's songs, the girls really go for the heavy metal drummers, you know, on the landle in the summer. have you ever thought about playing heavy metal? >> well, not so much. i mean, i might borrow a few drum techniques from drumming in the heavy metal world but i'll stick to folk in our nice low-key rock. >> stephen: the name of the song tonight is low-key. we'll get to it. >> you should show everybody that picture of him right there. >> stephen: this is an extraordinary picture of your father. >> not that one. >> stephen: there we go. (laughter) is this what you were wearing when you met his mother? >>