i'm not proud. >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: oh, i can't fight that. but, folks, you know, if you watch this show, i'm not a prideful man. i always am the first to admit when i'm wrong, and once again, i am right. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this time it's about obamacare. folks, i've never liked it. first, they put a bureaucrat between and you your doctor, and the next thing you know the doctor and the bowercrat are hanging out all the time and voantly forget to call you the night they want to go see "interstellar," and you heard they had such a great time, they even had a beer afterwards to talk about the movie. thanks, obama. ( laughter ) luckily, the republicans are in power now, and they're going to do something about it by undoing something about it. >> republicans dominate state governments this time around, also eager to fix obamacare. >> there are some changes to obamacare that i think both parties can agree to. >> we're going to have to show that we have ideas, that we are going topaz legislation and try to fix obamacare. >> stephen: yes, after

it's good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for being here. good to have you with us in here, out there, all around. i have to tell you after a greeting like that i would not kick you out of bed for eating crackers, folks. let's get right to the big story, last night's midterm elections. huge night for the republicans across the country. they won everything it's senate majority, the bigger house majority, tight governors' races and a giraffe from one of those claw machines. ( laughter ) i mean, they were on fire. i don't know why democrats didn't turn out to vote yesterday. what with all the inspiring fund-raising e-mails the democratic congressional campaign committee sent out, like "all hope is lost." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and sure, as a conservative it is tempting to gloat, but i'm going to be humble about this for two reasons. one, because i am amazing at being

(audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thanks for being here! sorry, folks. i've got to do this first. thanks so much for being here. the show will start in just one minute. sorry, folks, big freeze moving in. i'm just putting down some salt. don't need a lawsuit on my hands. and -- some pepper. 'cuz the weather outside is frightful. >> 200 million americans are in the middle of the cold snap today. >> 50% of the country blanketed in snow. >> this minnesota lake turned to solid ice -- a rare pre-thanksgiving deep freeze. >> freezing temperatures in all 50 states. >> stephen: all 50. even hawaii -- where aloha now means "hello," "goodbye," and "my nipples could slice pineapple ." and do not confuse this cold snap with last year's polar vortex. it's completely different. >> the record-breaking polar plunge. >> polar plunge. >> stephen: polar plunge, which is not just a rockin' new flavor of capri sun. no, it's something even better -- a reason to ignore global warming. >> while the president focuses on global warming, more brutally cold weather is hitting acros

stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ (eagle caw) >> stephen: detour to gridlock and things i am totally interested in. no, don't change the channel! (cheers and applause) well come to "the report" -- welcome to "the report"! (audience chanting "stephen") thanks, folks! we've got to do the show. thanks so much, everybody! thank you so much, folks! thank you for joining us in here and out there for this an historic night, the 2014 midterm elections! no election has ever been more mid-portant. so many questions have been answered, will th the senate che hands? will the g.o.p. tighten its grip on the house? did any one really vote? and it's my last election night special. (audience reacts) i'm going off the air next month to pursue my dream of never covering med terms again. and tonight i'm coming to you live! see, it says right up there! (cheers and applause) >> right up there in the corner it says "live," right up there on the screen. though from my side of the screen it actually spells "evil"

. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for being here. good to have you with us in here, out there, all around. i have to tell you after a greeting like that i would not kick you out of bed for eating crackers, folks. let's get right to the big story, last night's midterm elections. huge night for the republicans across the country. they won everything it's senate majority, the bigger house majority, tight governors' races and a giraffe from one of those claw machines. ( laughter ) i mean, they were on fire. i don't know why democrats didn't turn out to vote yesterday. what with all the inspiring fund-raising e-mails the democratic congressional campaign committee sent out, like "all hope is lost." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and sure, as a conservative it is tempting to gloat, but i'm going to be humble about this for two reasons. one, because i am amazing at being

>> stephen: yeah! obama's chowin' down on yim yum yoo yoo while the chinese are breaching our computer bleep-bloop boxes! so stop giving bing bang bow wows to the king kong of ching chong! the troops are the ones who deserve our ooga-oogas! bo dietl and i both know today is veterans day -- even though only one of us is sure what year it is. (laughter) >> we're in 20 -- and what is this? 15, almost 14. what we got to all remember, the only reason why we're able to sit here and talk and not wear abba-dabba-doo hats or whatever is because of these veterans. >> stephen: he's right. if it weren't for our veterans, we'd all be wearing abba-dabba-doo hats, pushing -- (cheers and applause) pushing around abba-dabba-doo cars, and arguing with our abba-dabba-dishwashers. (laughter) that's time we could be spending with our bam-bams. (laughter) i'm with dietl. it's hard to believe that in the year -- i dunno, i'm going to guess 20-tippity-2, we don't respect our troops. they fought for us, on the beaches of ooh l

> stephen: really? you could be gone next week? but you're genetically engineered for this job! you know everything about politics! you have the horse race in your head you know all the players. it wouldn't surprise me if they keep you on amniotic fluid at night and you wake up screaming, voter calls! looks good for mcconnell! (laughter) do you love the politics? >> i do, i do! is it okay? >> stephen: of course, it's okay! you have to be passionate. >> it is. >> stephen: you have to hug it! >> it is. i've loved it since i was a kid. i don't know why. >> stephen: what's the first political battle you as a kid -- i'm older than you are. how old are you? >> 42. >> stephen: i'm younger than you are. (laughter) i remember nixon. i was so excited about watergate. what was the first time you thought, oh, i'm interested in that? >> it was reagan-carter. i remember my parents debating that. >> stephen: one for carter, one for reagan? >> yes, i'm not going to say which. >> stephen: your mom was for reagan, your d

. >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: oh, i can't fight that. but, folks, you know, if you watch this show, i'm not a prideful man. i always am the first to admit when i'm wrong, and once again, i am right. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this time it's about obamacare. folks, i've never liked it. first, they put a bureaucrat between and you your doctor, and the next thing you know the doctor and the bowercrat are hanging out all the time and voantly forget to call you the night they want to go see "interstellar," and you heard they had such a great time, they even had a beer afterwards to talk about the movie. thanks, obama. ( laughter ) luckily, the republicans are in power now, and they're going to do something about it by undoing something about it. >> republicans dominate state governments this time around, also eager to fix obamacare. >> there are some changes to obamacare that i think both parties can agree to. >> we're going to have to show that we have ideas, that we are going topaz legislation and try to fix obamacare. >> stephen: yes, after

. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, thank you. ( cheers and applause ). thank you for being-- ladies and gentlemen, i hope that i've made this clear over the years, but i love new york city. because everything, everything in new york is bigger. we've got the tallest buildings, the richest bankers, the racist-est cabbies. in no other city to the drivers even know the proper ethnic slur for people from malta. ( laughter ) it's farc, by th featherhead, be way. there's one thing about new york that is not as big as we thought. >> it apires particular demographic in new york has been expoinencely overestimated-- the rat population. common lore states there are as many rats as humans in new york city, in the neighborhood of eight million. however a statistician from columbia university says there are really just two million rats in the big apple. >> stephen: new york has only two million rats? i mean, that's like find

welcome to the report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you for being-- ladies and gentlemen, i hope that i've made this clear over the years, but i love new york city. because everything, everything in new york is bigger. we've got the tallest buildings, the richest bankers, the racist-est cabbies. in no other city to the drivers even know the proper ethnic slur for people from malta. ( laughter ) it's featherhead, by the way. there's one thing about new york that is not as big as we thought. >> it appears particular demographic in new york has been expoinencely overestimated-- the rat population. common lore states there are as many rats as humans in new york city, in the neighborhood of eight million. however a statistician from columbia university says there are really just two million rats in the big apple. >> stephen: new york has only two million rats? i mean, that's like finding out

(laughter) >> stephen: let's talk about your ethics shallowness. >> yes. >> stephen: it has been said that you couldn't get your ankles wet in andy cohen. you could not drown a ferret in how shallow you are. >> i think i was the one who said how shallow i am. i modeled this book after andy warhol's diaries. of course, the artist who went out every night of the week, he dropped a ton of names. i drop a ton of names in the book. he was fascinated by celebrity, as am i. that's why i wanted to share my deeply shallow but deep stories about a life out running around, hosting a late-night talk show, running around the world, and the deep part comes talking about dating and erescued a dog and -- and i rescued the dog, fell in love with the dog. that's where it gets really deep. the dog rescued me! >> stephen: wow! (laughter) >> yes! >> stephen: that's a twist you don't see coming. >> total, it's three-quarters the way through the book. you won't believe it. >> stephen: it can be dangerous. in real life, if you try to take a deep look in a shallow pool, you could break your neck. >> yeah, you

, stephen, stephen stephen! steep every! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, here popes thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you. thank you so much, forecasts. thanks for being here. there's a lot to cover. nation, if you watch this show-- and i hope you do-- you know that no one in this country is tougher on crime than yours truly. i say lock them up and throw away the key. also, clearly, tough on keys. ( laughter ) so i'm happy to report that this week, a dangerous fugitive has been brought to justice. >> the 90-year-old man busted for feeding the homeless. arnold abbott is his name. he faces possible jail time and $500 fine for preparing meals for the need nea church kitchen. a nude ordnance in ft. lauderdale outlaws groups from sharing food with the hungry. >> stephen: busted for feeding the homeless in public! >> audience: booing. >> stephen: oh, yeah, booo! i'm angry at him, too. i say if the homeless want to eat they should do it in the privacy of their own wherever those people live.

playstation >> stephen: wack wack! my guest tonight has a new documentary about low-wage farm workers in florida. what a cruel life -- they have to live in florida. please welcome eva longoria. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for being here. what a pleasure. i see you brought a vegetable to hurl at me. what if we here? >> it's a fair food tomato from florida. >> stephen: okay. a fair food tomato. you are an activist. you were named the philanthropist of the year. >> yeah. >> stephen: why are you philanthoping up stead of being a celebrity. country doesn't this take away from your red carpet time? >> yes, but it's for a good cause. the release of a document ricalled "food chains" is coming out, and it's about the exploitation of labor in our farms in america. >> stephen: and you produced this? >> i produced the documentary. i thought you meant the tomato. >> stephen: no. no, i produced the documentary about farm workers. this is specifically about tomatoes and florida. >> stephen: how do i know you actually care

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thai so much. welcome to the report, heroes. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. it's good to have you with us. always a pleasure. always a joy. ( cheers ) folks, you know, if you watch this show, you know that i love coming to you every night of the week, monday through thursday. ( laughter ) but broadcasting legend isn't my most important job. i'm also a dad. that i know of. ( laughter ) that's why i have the right to judge today's over-involved helicopter parents. if you're that neurotic about your kid's safety, why did you give them a helicopter in the first place? ( laughter ) they have created-- these parents have create aid generation of scaredy kids who quiver at the slightest armed invasion. >> now to florida tonight where parentparents are outraged after police entered a middle school without warning with what looked like guns drawn. but what they found out next has many angry tonight. it was a drill. >> police with ar-15 rifles like this one, burst into classrooms. children and te

advil. >> stephen: wack wack! my guest tonight has a new documentary about low-wage farm workers in florida. what a cruel life -- they have to live in florida. please welcome eva longoria. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for being here. what a pleasure. i see you brought a vegetable to hurl at me. what if we here? >> it's a fair food tomato from florida. >> stephen: okay. a fair food tomato. you are an activist. you were named the philanthropist of the year. >> yeah. >> stephen: why are you philanthoping up stead of being a celebrity. country doesn't this take away from your red carpet time? >> yes, but it's for a good cause. the release of a document ricalled "food chains" is coming out, and it's about the exploitation of labor in our farms in america. >> stephen: and you produced this? >> i produced the documentary. i thought you meant the tomato. >> stephen: no. no, i produced the documentary about farm workers. this is specifically about tomatoes and florida. >> stephen: how do i know you actually care

[crowd cheering] [chanting stephen, stephen] >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you. you folks, you folks at home can't possibly know but the things we've all been through tonight already. [laughter] this is a stressful job, we're not going to lie to you. when i'm not out here spitting the truth hot and hard, i relax by gaming. i'm a huge gamer, i play them all, monopoly, go fish. i meet you there but i have a thing i don't show up. i win. i also love games of the video nature. i've spent hundreds of hours playing dark souls, assassin's creed, call of duty. which is when i cause assassin's creed and go use the bathroom. [applause] high score. new high score last night. [laughter] as a gamesman, i am gripped by a scandal called gamergate that's shaken the video world. you probably heard of the term gamergate. i have. that's why i brought it up just now. [laughter] >> what is it about. it is a scandal about gaming and sexism now made front pages across the country. one million tweets and counting to the gamergate hashtag. on-line battle of the sexes how it is portrayed

i, stephen colbert, was saved by... a bear? (cheers and applause) all this time, i have been wrong about you. you're not here to kill us, you're here to help. on behalf of all bears, will you forgive me? (cheering) (singing) (cheers and applause) ♪ (laughter) >> ahhh! hey! you're leaving? i was going to make breakfast. oh... you're late for work in the forest. okay. well, um... call me, okay? (laughter) he's totally gonna call me. (cheers and applause) ♪ vo: no one ever claims to be ordinary. everyone wants to be the best. but what does that really mean? to us, it means giving you a wide selection of products, both online and in-store. expert advice. our geek squad agents to get you up and running. and thanks to our price match guarantee, you'll always get an unbeatable price. because best isn't just in a name, it's everything we stand for. ♪ they're jamming in the street ♪ ♪ ♪ all night long ♪ all night ♪ bud light lime cran-brrr-rita fiesta forever ♪ i thought it'd be bigger. ♪ ♪ (dad) there's nothing i

>> great. >> stephen: it must be a rough night for you. can i get you a drink or something stronger like a revolver? how are you dealing with this crushing defeat for the democrats? >> well, you know, it's a midterm election in the second term of a president and-- >> stephen: always the most important. >> well with, normally you would expect them to gain about seven seats and looks like they'll gain roughly around that. so it's not out of the ordinary for mid term in the second term of a president. >> stephen: whatever lets you cry yourself to sleep at night. ( laughter ) do you still support obama? >> absolutely. >> stephen: but the democrats didn't support obama, they didn't-- they ran away from the president, and look how it helped them. >> yes. ( laughter ) i'm not a democrat, never understood the democratic party. you have a president who's actually got a terrific economic record compared to any other developed nation on the planet. ( applause ) >> stephen: that's why you're not a real conservative because we don't compare ourselves t