yeah. everything i say? i-- i heard roger's voice, and then i-- i-- i heard a dog bark... have you done something with roger? where should we go for dinner tonight? where--? where's major healey? we can go dancing. now-- answer my question, jeannie. whe--? where's major healey? now, come on. well, i do not know where major healey is, master. yeah, but he was here, though, wasn't he? yes, master. who barked? why did you do a thing like that? i thought you like major healey. oh, yes, master, i am very fond of him. wh-what made you do that? well, i-i-i will tell you after 6:00. oh, no, jeannie, you're gonna tell me right now. i want you to change him back into-- into roger. ch-- come on. oh, but i told you, master, i do not know where he is. but, jeannie, what's the matter? well, he-- he ran out the front door. well, he hadn't had a chance to go very far. honestly, i-- sometimes i can't understand you. hey, roge. roge. come here, boy. come here. good morning, major nelson. oh, good morning. what's the matter? did you lose somebody? oh, yes. i lost my dog. roger? yes, have you

he tried to hit on me and i told him i wasn't into that, so i quit. the word swirled like a small tornado in my head. it did not make sense to me. did she quit because she refused to have sex with her boss? can bosses really do that if you i believed her and thought he was a perfect. later i found out the lawyer's wife called a mother i made. when i saw her vacuuming the office, such an attractive 8 and demanded she be fired. telling me initially he had on her was her way of hiding the humiliation and powerlessness. even in her shame, a debit creating a world that was uncomplicated, racism, classism and in this instance sexism. after six months of searching for work my mother returned to the college where she received a paralegal certificate and demand clarification on values. thousands of dollars worth of student loans and needed them to pony up on their job guarantee. as reinforcement she took along with another student took along with her another student who had a hard time finding a job. after being brushed off by several college officials, filed

the pyramid, a golden coffin-- i know. i know, i know. i am sorry if i upset you, master. that's all right. i guess i'm just being overcautious. [chuckles] there's no harm done. [giggling] no, master. my name is vanderhaven. i'm looking for major anthony nelson. mr. vanderhaven. yes. it is a great pleasure to have you in our hotel. i hear that you never come ashore, and it is such-- stop fawning. where can i find major nelson? to take you to-- i'll find him myself. phew. master, it is such a beautiful day. why do we not go boating? well, for one reason, i don't have a boat-- major nelson? yeah. [chuckles] forgive me for intruding. my name is vanderhaven. oh, yes, sir. how do you do? i-- i heard that you were in honolulu, and i came to tell you what a great honor it is to have you with us. well, thank you. uh, this is miss jeannie. how do you do? mister, uh--? vanderhaven. very glad to see you. how do you do? well-- would you join us? well, i'll only be a minute. you know... being in town makes me very, very nervous. oh, where do you live? on my yacht. [gasps] you have a ya

i was absolutely desolate. i guess i was at my lowest ebb. - i get the picture. you don't have to tell me anymore. - i don't? why, you have a relative in psychology too? - uh, no. but i've studied a course or two. honey? i'm going to level with you. - about what? - about me. about why you're right. why it wouldn't work for us. - oh, i didn't say it wouldn't work. i just asked how we could be sure it would. you. you're a sweet, warm, wonderful little girl. and a real potential hunk of woman. - how's that? - much too good for a guy like me. - why, what's the matter with you? you're tall, you're-- - irresponsible. unreliable. undependable. - go on and say it. you think it's a newsflash? - what? - that you're a surf bum. i guessed that right off. you being a loner and surfing, surfing, surfing. and that tan of yours. that you don't get overnight. - no, it does take a little sunshine, but ... that's the story. nothing but a surf bum. would you do me a favor? - certainly! certainly! anything! - would you forget about me? - gee, that's an awful lot to ask. - i know, but

i... i-i had a rifle when i was a boy, but i never fired at a human being. - a human being? that's an indian! i'll show you how it's done. - that indian is carrying a message. - mister, in latigo, i own a saloon, the hotel, the cafe, and most of the bank! - y-you think that's wise? i-i mean, unloading the gun before we even know what that indian's up to? - well, just what do you think that indian's up to? - well, i'm... i'm just a drummer. i sell paper products. i-i don't pretend to know-- - you don't pretend to know, but t u believe. now, the indians have a saying that all white men are liars. you believe that, too? - you know who that was? that was abe r rrock! abe redrock, the sheriff's brother! that's the kind of law we have down here... an indian wearing a tin star that can't'tr won't catch his own thieving brother! and you wouldn't let me get him. mister, the next time i get my hands on a gun, maybe you'll be the one to watch out. - just a little bit more out of you, now, giddyap! hyah! - there he was, abe redrock, big as life! i could'd' blown him right off his horse.

, and although i-i never forgot it, i never quite memorized it either, so what i'm... [ laughter ] i kind of left with having heard something that was really wise that i just can't remember, you know. you know what you never see? a japanese guy named biff. [ laughter ] at least i don't recall any. also, you never hear of cancer of the heart. i know this is an unpleasant subject, but there's a lot of different kinds of cancers, and there's a lot of heart disease, and you never hear of cancer of the heart. one of those unusual things. here's a fact that... [ laughter ] a lot of people haven't thought of. don ho-- don ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than efrem zimbalist, jr. [ laughter ] you know that expression "than the sword?" i was thinking of that today. they oughta update that. i think they did one time during the second world war. the pen is mightier than the sword. i think the typewriter is mightier than the machine gun, but i think it's time for, uh, the word processor is mightier than the particle beam weapon. [ laughter ] not all of these things are intended to be fun

and i had a beautiful home in chevy hills, here, and i said to myself, "what did i do tse i look out the window of our apartment, and all i would see is people's feet, and i thought, "no, what have i done to deserve this?" so finally i-- they called me and said, "we want you to do 'the morning show,' you're going to replace walter cronkite." so i call my mother, and i said, "mom, mom, don't worry, things are going to be swell. i'm going to be on 'the morning show' on cbs at very big money." i'll tell you what, i went from nothing... to any of us. and my mother says, "i hope you're not going to replace walter cronkite." [ laughter ] and i said, "yes, i am, i'm going to replace walter cronkite, and i'm damn sorry, mom. but i am." well, now, two weeks went by, and i do it-- walter is our friend and a dear, wonderful man, but walter has a weird side. he loved doing that show-- >> mm-hmm. >> because he worked with puppets. now, can you imagine walter cronkite with, uh, lions and those things? so, cbs had a bulletin board-- and i'm sorry to go so long-- >> no, go ahead. >> had a big bullet

i do, i do -- >> steve: i know. you don't like mayonnaise. i love mayo. >> jimmy: i do the turkey. i do the turkey. i do the stuffing. >> steve: yep. >> jimmy: and then, i do cranberry sauce that acts as the mayonnaise. 'cause it's fun. >> steve: i usually take -- i usually take -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and, then i put -- i put -- >> steve: a hamburger on top of it? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. no, then just toast. toast is what i do. >> steve: yeah, you toast it up. >> jimmy: does everyone toast it? [ audience yells no ] that's what i'm saying. see, that's where we switched it up. >> steve: yeah, you switch it up. >> and we called up the carnegie deli? >> steve: oh, yeah. >> jimmy: and i would order sandwiches for everybody in the writers' room, and i'd go, "can i get an al pacino? and can i get a, you know" -- because they were named after famous actors and stuff, all the sandwiches? and i go, "can i get a a jimmy fallon?" [ laughter ] and the guy was like, "what's that?" and i go, "i'll get an al pacino." "oh, i got that." i go, "robert de niro?" "yeah, now what was the other one

>> i answer the way i choose. you should have seen this morning, a dutiful animal, free like the air. but you will not tell me what to do. i do what i want, when i want. and that goes for you, too. is this all about? -- >> what is this all about? >> with this is all about, i am the saddest creature of all. i have become like you, a creature of habit, a slave to this land. next -- >> [speaking spanish] arguing in spanish] beck's you are the image of your father. only, he had the good sense when he grew up to put his roots down. >> roots? eight tree has roots. a man has legs. i will use my legs. to do what i want to do and when i want to do it. stagnation, my friend. stagnation. >> se?or, another, please. >> [speaking spanish >> put it on my bill. >> always "put it on my because -- "put it on my bill." as you wish. >> men well --manuelito. >> sit down and i will you buy me a drink. risa -- this is teresa. teresa, this is lobo. >> i will not kiss pigs. >> you do not like my friend? you better go. [laughter] >> do you

i bought-- i got this. do you ever hear a song-- did you ever hear a song, and then you wanted to go out, and buy the album? >> sure. >> and i-- that happened to me, and i went out, and i found it. i got the album. i was in an elevator. muzak. >> muzak. >> yeah. i was in the elevator, and i just started to snap my fingers. i said, "i've got to buy that." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i got you something. i wanted to buy you something because-- there you go. that's just-- nothing to say about it. >> stinkys. >> it's a stinky. >> the characters that smell like their name. >> they smell like their name. this stinky-- take it, and you squeeze it, and it stinks. [ laughter ] >> wow. >> it really works. i mean, take them home. this one-- this one really stinks. [ laughter ] >> this one is-- >> i went in. i said-- >> this one is barnyard. >> this one is barnyard. >> rob lake's bad breath sewer. [ ht and dead fish. >> they were all out of sewer, so they had-- >> well, i-- >> you squeeze this, and it reeks. [ laughte

i--i--i-- i--i--i-- i want some cream in my coffee. [knock] anybody home? hey, ah chew. come on in, man. hi, lamont. hi, mr. sanford. hey, grab a chair. sit down here and how some coffee. you know, i was just talking to my father about how he can't express his true feelings. i can. choo-choo, i hate you. pop! you said i couldn't express my true feeling. that's my true feeling. no offense, choo-choo. [kettle whistles] hey, lamont, it's ok. i mean since i've been to the group, i can put up with anything. you know that was really a great session. hey, and the next one's gonna be even better. pop's gonna sit in on that one, aren't you, pop? what? wow, that's great, mr. sanford. maybe now you'll find out why you hate people. i don't hate people. don't get no rice on my clothes. [exhales] look it, you said you hate people. i'm people. you're not my people. mr. sanford, now you know that that's not the truth. i mean, way down deep inside we're both exactly the same. yeah. deep down. but as you get closer to the surface, i turn black and you turn yellow. what is the matter with

. - i do! - no, you don't. i--i do! don't i always bring you beer when you want it? oh, jeez, but that don't prove nothin'. and don't i always have dinner hot for you when you come home? that don't prove nothin' either. well, i wash your clothes and i iron them sybil gooley would never do them things for you. why the hell not? 'cause she don't like you. oh, yeah. archie, i love you. that's why i do them things for you. you were sick? i tried to. but i didn't wanna spoil your party. the party! i don't wanna hear nothin' more about the party! to hell with the party! jeez. you was too busy being mrs. nice guy. your shoes. well, it's cold up here! you was being selfish, edith. selfish?! i guess you wanted me to go on alone tryin' to raise that little girl who already lost one mother. - no! - oh, jeez, edith. you're always being too good, good, good. i'm gonna tell you. i'm tired of suffering from that. from now on... like they say in the old song, "there's gonna be some changes made." and, please, don't sing it for me. i mean to say is... if anything goes wrong with you,

i didn't say i had stores there. i said look for them. i'm surprised you didn't put in a big picture of yourself. that's a great idea! it's just the right size for wrapping the garbage in. now you won't have to run from store to store. the store managers will come to me. i remember your first office. you had a table in the bathroom. i was the only executive with a chair that flushed. get it? chain. gong, florence. get it? i want to see your new office. i wish everyone would hurry. me, too. i want to give you a sneak preview. a sneak show-off. it's the american dream. 10 years ago, i was a little guy with one store. now you're a little guy with seven stores. nothing can make me mad today. give me a raise. no. see? i was happy to turn her down. george, finish dressing. they'll be here soon. only if it ain't worth telling. i won't tell you. it sounds juicy. i got george a present to celebrate the opening of his new office. you just ran out of juice. it's a gold watch. helen is picking it up. i'm all set. you don't know anything. i could have

i think maybe i had her wrong. maybe i i n help her with a plea bargain. >> thanks be praised. >> our case is third up on the dock any idea when it will be calleded >> i thought i was waiting around like this when i was mustering out of service. joyce: i would not hold my breath waiting for your case to be called, gentle man. >> there are moments, robert, when i like that woman better than other moments. >> at ease, private. >> good ofou to join us, miss devonport. >> b 62578, people versus pedro rodrdruez, possession of two ounces of marijuana. >> people wave reading of the complaint. >> defense request to reading. >>xcuse me? joyce: defense request reading of the plaintiff, your honor, and the rights. >> counsel approach. cut it out. joyce: defense intends to avail itself of full entitlements. >> defensive sending a message >> this court is not a message service. joyce: due process and titles -- i intend to get through it. joyce: then may we proceed, your honor? >> go ahead. >> and the crime of possession of mari

i have cowboy boots. i have running shoes. i have walking shoes. i have flat shoes. i have heels. i wear them in all of my shoes. makes me so happy. just one reason why people come to the good feet store. foot problems can also cause knee, hip, or back discomfort. find out if we can help you with a free personalized fitting from one of our arch support specialists. come by the good feet store in... and see for yourself. male: that's what makes good feet so unique and different, is that we have an opportunity to be able to properly size the foot. as we talked earlier, regarding the activities and lifestyle sheet. and then of course, in addition to that we do an imprint. and we do a balancing exercise. and on that balancing exercise, as you can see, we're literally supporting the foot in all of its arches, allowing the foundation to be properly supported, which gives us improved balance, support, and comfort. can size to the millimeter for a person's arch. beth: this woman walks in. she's literally got tears coming out of her eyes. and she's telling me, "i've got a trip planned in d

i felt so incredibly guilty after i realized that. it was like i killed her. like i sent her away. like she left because i hadn't loved her enough. she thought i didn't love her. i used to eat all my vegetables because i knew it was what my mother wanted and that would make her happy up in heaven. i didn't talk to my father for months because i thought that would bring her back. that if i was a real good boy that she would come back. she didn't come back. i don't know. maybe that's my excuse for acting like i'm six sometimes. i'm sorry. what are you sorry for? i'm a friend. i should have seen your pain. okay, so maybe it's all right if i act obnoxious sometimes. have you seen anybody about this? i don't need to see nobody about this. are you sure? i dealt with this a long time ago. i thought this might help you. i don't know. you don't like my stories hey. hey, tom. but it's going all right. i guess that's all i have to say. does anyone else have anything tonight? penhall: yeah, i'll talk. what's your name? doug. [captioning made possible by fx networks [theme music] are you fixing

i fibbed.d. i knew it. i acted like i didn't know it, but i knew it. ma'am, you didn't see anything? i slept through last night. i didn't wake up once. it's really not like me. i got to take an early retirement. you should never do this, ma'am -- lying to the police. i think it's terrible what happened to those poor people. i'm gonna stay up all night tonight. involve two o rties discussing something? why not give you some say? or let your driving do the talking. liberty mutual righttrack? with savings of up to 30%, with an initial discount just for signing up. take control of your rates. visit a local office or call liberty mutual today at liberty stands with you?. you can have your lawyer here if you want, alfred. no, it's okay. . we think the blood were involved in the killings on timpkin street this morning. well, i don'n'know nothing about that. but you're friends with carl mann. so what, i keep tabs -- so carl mann i ithe head of the blood. come on, kid, don't be stupid. we want you to wear a wire. try to get mann to talk. oh, no. no, no, no -- y

i mean, i don't -- i don't think -- well. i am. aren't you at yale? becoming a great artist? >> graduated yale but i'm at columbia getting my master's degree. >> oh, wow. >> art history. >> that's great. >> listen, do you know anybody else in new york? >> just you. >> just me, okay. would you like to go to dinner? >> jimmy: "nocturnal animals" opened november 23rd. [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: how are you? >> good. how are you doing? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. you know, it's weird. when i look at you i realize we're actually twins. >> i know. [ laughter ] i felt the same way. watching you. except you're really trimmed around the >> jimmy: and there's some other deficiencies i have as well. [ laughter ] how are you doing? >> life is good. >> jimmy: what is jake gyllenhaal's favorite halloween candy? >> huh. >> jimmy: it's not something -- you have to think about it because you don't want to go home and kick yourself because you didn't mention -- >> what's really my favorite? i like a milky way dark or something like that. refined. a refined candy bar. >> jimmy: a complic

i was like, "i don't-- i don't know. i just--" i realized i don't know what my butt looks like because it's behind me. so i don't actually know. and i was like, "i think this one looks good." and the producer was like, "her butt's a little square." square butt? is that a thing butts can be?" >> stephen: did you compare it later, compare your butt to this person's butt? no, even if you are lookin looka mirror you're twisting around. >> stephen: do you own an iphone or are you the one person in hollywood-- >> i think it would be a bad idea to take a picture of my butt. >> stephen: maybe so. >> i expect it -- >> what was your criteria? highway did you finally land on the butt? >> basically, they were like, well, all o tall and too tan, so really it has to be this one, short, pale girl. i was like so i just saw all these naked women for nothing. i mean, not for nothing, it was great, but -- >> obviously, obviously, right. so what happened to this book of polaroids? >> i don't know. that's a great question. >> stephen: i'm cu

well, i-i'm sorry. i-i don't know anything about that. john had a wife, a girl i must admit i did not approve of at the time, went west. surely you must have known the winstons-- a small community like this. well, there were-- there were lots of people in and out of here then. i was also told there was a child, a little girl. the child was born shortly after john winston died. that would make her... 8 years old at the present time. now, i understand that you have a little girl about that age. yes, i have. cause i have what i believe is reliable information that this little girl is my son john's child. well, you're mistaken. she's mine. miss davis, would it be possible for us to see some proof-- a birth record, for example? nothing like that was ever kept here then. my dear, we don't mean to pry, but where is this little girl? could we see her? well, she isn't here right now. she's-- she's out riding with her father. her father?! yes. flint mccullough. didn't you say your name was davis? that's what i said, mr. sykes. millie davis. i guess

i know. i know. i know, i know, i know. so i guess in one week, we'll know if donald trump is our election. so that's what we'll know, one of the two. [ cheers and applause ] did you see there's a memo from a veteran spy that says vladimir putin has been supporting donald trump for five years. after hearing this, trump said -- [ trump impression ] oh my god, i forgot it was our anniversary. [ laughter ] what do you get for five? is it crystal? i hope it's not china. [ laughter and applause ] let's get to some sports. right now, all eyes are on cleveland for the indians and the cubs in the world series. [ cheers and applause ] how exciting. how exciting is that? but there's another notable team in town, the cleveland browns. they're the only team in the nfl that hasn't won a single game all season. after eight straight losses, they decided to shake up their playbook, yeah. and we got a hold of it. >> steve: are you serious? check these out. first, there's the, everybody go deep, then keep running out into the parking lot. [

i was young. i didn't know what i wanted. i have to admit i was surprised you called. i thought you were probably out sowing your wild oats. well, now i think i'm more interested in rice. which reminds me. there's a new japanese restaurant i'd like to try for lunch tomorrow. how does that sound? i'd love it. okay, then noon it is. thanks for going out, mindy. thanks for asking me out, dan. it was fun. it always was. tomorrow. [ whistles ] mork... how was your mating? dating. that's dating. oh. and it was wonderful. dan took me to this great danish restaurant. sounds interesting. what do great danes eat? and he's taking me to lunch tomorrow, too. what is it about this earthling that makes you so hungry? well, dan and i are old friends. serious? sounds like you need cheering up. come see my apartment. i've just redecorated the attic, and it's scamp city and totally taste-free. [ imitating tarzan yell ] [ singing ] what do you think? well, what can i say except it's you. you like my bed? you sleep on that? it's not bad once you get the hang of it. ar ar ar ar ar. now, i m

it's not my size dotty, i can't -- i can't fit in it. [ groans ] i don't even know. whose is that? tell him to put it on the hose, dotty. put it on the hose, dotty! ah, oh. i don't got them. stay w-- that's not mine. i can't eat it that light. i can't bend it that way. ow! ow! ow, dotty! ow! ow! rub it. rub it on. just rub it on. oh! oh, dotty! women -- oh, very funny. [ door slams ] [ snoring ] ow! mm-hmm. not where i come from, it's just the opposite. mo-- motown, dotty. motown. no, i'm not gonna be the bunny, honey. i can't. i don't even know. aha. you tell me when. you tell me when. oh, is that so? oh, is that so? well, i happen to have an amigo. uh-huh. item 7 assignments -- sergeant bates, officer flaherty to lieutenant buntz. also, uh, people, division vice is initiating an undercover operation at the eden rock health club, rson russo, detectives larue... all right! washington and belker. item last, people -- this is a memo to all precincts from chief daniels. 4 days ago at the polk avenue precinct, 2 white officers failed to support 2 black officers in the field, resulting

>> i came up with it when i was in the piano lesson and i was doing four- octave scales and i was having trouble reaching all the keys on the piano. and my piano teacher said it would be nice if somebody invented a piano bench that slid back and forth so people with short arms can reach all of the keys on the piano, so i did. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so you did it, you took it upon yourself to do it, and you really did. cart seat to old skateboard wheels and then i put it inside of an old piano bench. >> jimmy: that's genius, i love this. can you show us how it goes? >> sure. ? ? ? >> jimmy: slider bench. there we go. [ cheers and applause ] ? ? >> jimmy: got that way. ? ? ? >> jimmy: look at that, there's the -- [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about. i'm sending that to george lucas, that's fantastic, cameron. that is a good invention, slider bench. [ cheers and applause ] send that to j.j. abrams. that is such a smart invention, it's almost as brilliant as something i invented, cameron. now i love eating a big scoop of ice cream out of a waffle cone, who doesn't. but what

the name that i don't feel fits who i am and what i do for people. there's nothing illegal in my life. why we get put in the same bag as illegal prostitution i don't understand at all. >> like all women who work at legal brothels, caressa had to apply for a license with the county sheriff. and now it's london's turn. i've seen a lot of things in my life, but i've never seen an application to work legally in a brothel as a prostitute. it's pretty interesting. >> well, i'm glad i get to share your first experience with you. >> once you get the card in hand today, you could probably be in the lineup tonight? >> i -- i think so. it was a little faster than i expected, but time waits for no man. so got to get to it. >> what does it feel like to mark that box? >> reality, i guess. i don't so much like the word "prostitute." i associate it with a street worker and someone who is dirty, you know what i mean? so that word maybe rubs me the wrong way. but, yeah, everything here is all legal. and i applied for this like any other job. >> but unlike most profess

i thought i just heard myself speaking. really? i don't. i should go have my ears checked. ( sound of horses hooves ) that's funny, i don't remember this school having a blacksmith. where'd they go? don't hurt me. i got a family. valerie, has anything been weird in the cafeteria? the milk is fresh today. ( grunting ) ( phony french accent ): prepare to die. my love of sabrina is greater than my love of not bathing and movies with no plot. pardon. aprez-vous. oh, merci. merci beaucoup. ( yells ) those drama students-- you know, they really need a lot of attention. sabri-i-ina. ( southern accent ): well, my, my, willard. just the vice principal i wanted to see. hilda! what are you doing here? well, i've come to see you, silly puss. i want to talk about you and me and a little dance we're going to on friday night. oh... hilda, i thought you knew. your sister already asked me. she did? well, fiddlesticks on her. how dare she take my man away from me? gee, i had no idea you felt like this. i mean, you know how i... how crazy i am about you. i me

well, i don't think i have time. besides, i just came up here to give you a couple of pointers to make a good impression, dad. i learned from you. i'm glad to hear that. sure. it's like when your boss comes to dinner. i'm gonna do the same thing with mrs. webster. everything she says, i'm gonna laugh real loud and say, that's a good one, mrs. webster. you'll do no such thing. you just be polite, act natural, and don't stand on mrs. webster's foot. oh, there's one thing i want to warn you. don't say anything about mrs. webster's weight. oh. is she fat? well, yes, but if you mention it, it'll hurt her feelings. okay, dad. did you warn mom? yes, everybody's been warned. oh, and one thing more. your mother will be serving something, so be careful. you mean spilling? i mean spilling. okay, dad, but you better tell her not to give me any milk, 'cause i've been having a lot of trouble eaea, mrs. webster? oh, thank you, mrs. mitchell. well, here i am. dennis, this is mrs. webster. how do you do, mrs. webster? hello, dennis.

when i look at you i realize we >> i know. [ laughter ] i felt the same way. watching you. except you're really trimmed around the underside. >> jimmy: and there's some other deficiencies i have as well. [ laughter ] how are you doing? >> life is good. >> jimmy: what is jake gyllenhaal's favorite halloween candy? >> huh. >> jimmy: it's not something -- you have to think about it because you don't want to go home and kick yourself because you didn't mention -- >> what's really my favorite? something like that. refined. a refined candy bar. >> jimmy: a complicated boy. >> whoo. yeah. but until, you know, i don't know, until i was like 25, they had regular milky way, i suffered through those. >> jimmy: i'm with you. >> all of a sudden the dark. >> jimmy: i like the dark as well. when they came out with milky way dark it felt like things had changed for the positive. >> yeah, it's like a miracle. it was, it was. it was like when they invented disposable contact lenses. [ laughter ] i have really bad eyesight, i can just these away at nice? same thing. >> jimmy: it's true. i wen

no, i swear i wouldn't. i do wish i could believe you, but at certain timim, even i have to be a realist. we all go or no one goes. she'll hold us back. no. okay, von wolvner, you set the pace. we'll keep up. don't exexct me to make it easy for you. the direction's that way. just hold on tight. ? there is an easier path. it will take longer, but we will catch them. we cannot go further, we have people at the forest. i will go with you. ? this is the place. that box. you must remember, where did your father hide it? i think it's this way. there's a cave a few hundred feet up the shore. show me, look after your sister. von wolvner, i want to be there when you find those bonds. don't try to cheat me out of my share. why don't you tell him the truth? why don't you tell him that the greater glory of the super race means the greater glory of a thief, a thief named von wolvner? if you're going to that lake you better get started. it gets dark early here. you'll accompany us, that will reassure our brave hunter.. ku

once i start thinking about it, i can't stop. right now, i'm beginning to think some pretty strange things about the people next door. if i thought about it enough, john, john, are you asleep? it's just one light on next door, don't you think that's odd? ever since the blanchard's moved in, that one light always burns all night. it's not the right place to be coming from a hall. it must be a bedroom, maybe it's hers. maybe she has insomnia, and she reads all night. all day. (yawns) it sounds like a lovely idea, doesn't it? funny though, they've been in that house for over two weeks, and i've never seen mrs. blanchard, not once. well, isn't that funny? he does all the chores, even hangs out her laundry. i talked to him in the market several times, such an odd, withdrawn type. i don't know how he could make such a good teacher. do you know he used to be a university professor? what's he doing stuck away in a small town high school like ours, anyway? very strange. (yawning) good night, darling. i enjoyed out little chat. john, suppo

i don't know. neither do i. well, i do and i'm your captain... and i'm your father. and what i say goes. good day, gentlemen. well... place hasn't changed much, has it? i guess not. are you going to start cleaning again? no. i've got to study. good, because it'll take a long time to clean up this pig sty. it's not that bad. it's bad. ( laughing ): yeah. ( chuckling ) you want to go to the gym? healthy body, healthy mind. i have a better idea. how about a game of dom-jot? i'll let you break. you're on. quark! quark! begin recording. chief of security's log, final entry: it looks like quark didn't make it. can't say i'm surprised. you'll find his body farther up the slope. no doubt he'd want to vacuum desiccate his remains and auction them off. as for myself... cremate me, stick my ashes in my bucket and shoot me through the wormhole. i might as well end up where i began... prepare an i.v. drip of poly-nutrient solution. i'm alive. yes. i'm going to see you stay that way. quark? we found him slumped over a subspace transmitter. you mean he made it? if not for his signa

>> i had-- oh, i had some big ones on-- i played with eva tanguay. now, you can remember some of-- >> i remember those names, but-- >> freddy knows. [ laughter ] >> freddy used to bring pizzas up to eva tanguay at night. [ laughter ] but those were big acts. >> johnny, let me go [ laughter ] >> it's nice to have you here. >> likewise. >> really, i-i-i enjoyed talking with you, and when you do the book, you'll come back and we'll talk about the book. >> thank you, johnny. i wanted to tell you one thing. you're fabulous. >> well, that's very nice of you to say. >> from the bottom of my heart. i've loved you for years. >> thank you. >> and when i saw you today, i-- well, i saw him, and i'd recognize you immediately, you see. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> yeah. >> i'm on repeat. there's no one living, no comedian living-- you can take them all. take any of 'em-- no one gets out of a mess but you. >> well-- i thank you for coming tonight. thank you, mr. st. george. [ applause ] [ music ] >> thank you, doctor. doc severinsen and the great nbc orchestra. [ a

>> i have. i have. we went during the last playoff series against the dodgers. >> jimmy: it's amazing, right? >> yeah and the best part is the dessert cart is everything. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't know that. >> it is everything. >> jimmy: the dessert cart? >> yes, it comes around like fifth inning and i'm like, hold on. hold on. >> really? >> they have this thing called a rainbow cake that's so good. >> jimmy: i didn't know that. i've never been. i'm dying -- i'd love to go. i'm dying to go. for sports in chicago. i also love christmas movies, holiday movies, "almost christmas," jb smoove being so funny in it. oh my gosh! >> jb, mo'nique. >> jimmy: mo'nique is great as well. >> john michael higgins, iggins. dc young fly, it's so many funny people. >> jimmy: and you want to set up the movie at all and tell the people what it's about? >> this clip is -- it's the first christmas back with our whole family after the matriarch has passed away and there's a lot of shenanigans in invited my sister'

i even matured and changed. of course i did, i aged. but i got better. so it was just -- it was fun to watch. >> jimmy: tim conway, was he as -- because he always cracked you guys up. when you were doing the show was he as funny off-camera as he was on the show? >> tim would do things for himself too. without an audience. just his sense of humor. i remember this one time, my husband and i went to a party with the gang in the valley. and phwe got there a little bit late. tim was sitting on the couch with his head swathed in toilet he had eyeholes poked in. he wasn't drunk, he was just doing this bit. looked like the invisible man. you know. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and so somebody took, back then, a polaroid picture of him. and it came out kind of the size of your driver's license picture. so he cut it out. and this was before everything got laminated and stuff. he stuck it, the picture, on over the top of his real driver's license picture. so picture shows him with the toilet paper. now the party's ended. still wrapped in the toilet paper, he gets in his car.

i was aware of steve, i had guitar town. i don't know when he put it out, early 80s i believe? - [eric] you were a fan. first and foremost. - [shawn] a big fan and i met him when i opened a show for him at the iron horse in north hampton, massachusetts and i opened the show and met him down in the dressing room very briefly. that was a big thrill. he was playing solo, i was playing solo. i really didn't see much of him and i recorded 'someday,' on my cover girl album, a great song of his. you know, you always worry when you record somebody else's song, "are they gonna like it?" sometimes you hear from people about them, i've made two cover records now, sometimes you don't. i didn't hear anything from steve and i found out later he was in the trenches with his drug addiction and as he tells it, towards the end of that really dark period he found out that emmi lou had recorded 'guitar town,' and i had recorded 'someday,' and that was kind of a beacon of light. - he's talked about that, in fact, in the course of promoting this record when it's come up, he's said, "you know, at a r

>> i came up with it when i was in the piano lesson and i was doing four- octave scales and i was having trouble reaching all the keys on the piano. slid back and forth so people with short arms can reach all of the keys on the piano, so i did. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so you did it, you took it upon yourself to do it, and you really did. how did you make it? >> i made it by attaching a go cart seat to old skateboard wheels and then i put it inside of an old piano bench. >> jimmy: that's genius, i love this. can you show us how it goes? >> sure. ?? ?? >> jimmy: slider bench. there we go. [ cheers and applause ] ?? ?? >> jimmy: got that way. ?? ?? ?? >> jimmy: look at that, there's the -- [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about. i'm sending that to george lucas, that's fantastic, cameron. that is a good invention, slider bench. [ cheers and applause ] it's almost as brilliant as something i invented, cameron. now i love eating a big scoop of ice cream out of a waffle cone, who doesn't. but what happens when you do that? it drips all over your hand. well, that's not going to ha

i suppose i can try. and these? i... i get terrible neck pains without them. to prescribe an anti-inflammatory. oh, fine. i don't mind roughing it. mr. neelix, the blankets. no. no, that's where i draw the line. my mother knitted these herself. i've slept with them since i was a child. you'll have to make do with standard-issue bedding. starfleet blankets give me a rash. i suggest you ask the doctor... for some anti-itch cream. i might as well sleep in sick bay. thank you, mr. vulcan. given me an idea. what's going on here? i'm working. you were ordered to shut down astrometrics an hour ago. we can't afford the power. seven, it's inefficient. efficiency is relative, commander. if i shut down astrometrics i won't be able to scan for new fuel sources. i appreciate your efforts conventional scanners would not have found this. what? highly concentrated deuterium. where? computer, display source. a planetoid .4 light-years from our present position. there are dense pockets of deuterium just beneath the surface. maybe so, but that's a demon class planet. "demon clas

i-i-i-i come outside to find andy. i-i-i-i go back in. the rabbit's missing? the rabbit's dead. lucas' cat ate it. oh! your wet-brained errand boy came to see e . what are you talking about? deaf and dumb, huh, lieutenant? - you didn't send sipowicz stumbling my way? - no, i didn't. well, unpack your bags. he did his job. listen to me, captain. i don't know what you're talkin' about. and i never had my bags packed. andy, change into this. and stall on the rabbit. what are you talkin' about, medavoy? lucas' cat had rabbit stew for christmas. so when you give out the presents, just-just stall titi i get back. you got a minute? i gotta talk to you. um-- hey, when are you taking kathy to the motel? we're not. that perp's prints came back. he's not calvin james. he's carl shivivs. he busted his wife out of jail in florida a week ago at gunpoint. and the wife's been i.d.'d from those prints off the glass. kathy? she's married to that guy? yeah. she's gogo11 armed robberies and two assaults on her sheet. you stay back now. e boy. - drop the scissors. no, you listen to me. i will cut he

i love what i do. i have loved being a lawyer. i loved being a judge. it's something that i wake up to every day and i feel good about myself and about what i do. and so as you live your own life, be looking for that passion and that thing that drives you inside, that makes you excited about living. if you can find that excitement you will have the happiest life. , just like i have. [applause] bill: where do we start? fire away. justice sotomayor: i will tell you what the benefit is for asking a question. let me just say the following. i don't like sitting down. you will know that when i was a child i was very curious about everything and never stopped running. my mom said that at seven months i got up from the floor and didn't walk, just ran and i still do. you have to be careful because you see some of these guys and ladies around here? they are my police force. they are here to protect me from me, not you, but that means if you're asked a question you can get up but don't get up unexpectedly, it scares me, okay? i will walk around. i need a hand down

i know all that. i love you. i love you, too. i hate this. i know. doogie. doogie, guess what. i did great with the blood-taking today. i was scared because the first guy had this really fat arm. but i just remembered your advice, and it worked like a charm. terrific. that's-- that's really great. well, i... i just wanted to thank you again, so... that's it, i guess. michele. i have some news, too. it's not quite as exciting. uh...my girlfriend and i i'm sorry. i'm all right with it. she thought it would be best. i guess i do, too. so... so i was wondering if you wanted to go out with me sometime. a real date? yeah. yeah. yeah, i think i would. excellent. what a fabulous last scene. and those classic lines-- "we'll always have paris." [as humphrey bogart] here's lookin' at you, kid. that was a great choice tonight, doogie. i bet i've seen casablanca 25 times, and you know what? i could see it another 50. falcon. [as mary astor] i'd have come back to you sooner or later. from the very first instant i saw you, i knew. [as bogart] if you get a good break, you'll be out of tehachap

i-i wanted to be the person you thought i was. i have three girls. i... (loudly) i don't have any favorites. (lowered voice) you're still my favorite. are we okay? there's still a punishment involved, though. what? i want you to pay for his hospital bill. that's $300, and he got hurt because of your air horn. all right. we'll go halves, counselor. is that fair? that sounds fair. it is... 'cause you're my favorite. and you know what? you want to play a prank on somebody, ask the master, you know? we'll get a paper bag and some matches, take the dog, but first we feed him something real greasy. chomp, chomp. (makes tooting and whooshing sounds) listerine® total care strengthens teeth, after brushing, helps prevent cavities and restores tooth enamel. it's an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. listerine® total care. one bottle, six benefits. power to your mouth™. because it knew an ordinary wastissue was near.ar. the fiery tissue left her nose sore and red. so dad slayed the problem with puffs plus lotion, instead. puffs have pil

i was surprised how good i felt. not perfect, but much better about government and i came away with two big things. number one, what i call the savings programs. not the transfers and entitlements, social security and medicare. we have to put aside enough revenue to match. those things have lost money every year since 1980. second, that will help us get the debt under control. jives withhing which what my wife said, there are communities of people. let's say you are born in the bottom 20%. if life was perfect, there'd be a 20% chance you stay in the bottom 20%. but there are communities of people where that number is over 50%. that is just not ok. every kid should at least have the opportunity. what does it take for government and people with philanthropic and civic resources? kind of investment in not -- it -- not for profit has been entered in, but when you look at government, a lot of things are going well, but something's really not. emily: the work you are doing and philanthropy compares to what mark zuckerberg

i -- i do it, kathy! don't look at me like that. [ laughter ] >> well, you're a lot more famous than i am. you're a lot -- and they're waiting for you outside, you know that after the show they're going to be there. >> seth: look, let me tell you this, take your dog out around 30 rock and you'll find hundreds of my autographs to pick up. [ laughter ] the hollywood walk of fame. >> i did, yeah. >> seth: congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> seth: but you -- you have actually been -- you've been outside mann's chinese theater as a kid. >> yeah. >> seth: very close to where the star ended up. is this true? >> yes, that's true. i was with my beloved aunt lee. i'd go to visit her in l.a. and it's -- i have a photo from 1956 when i was eight years old, right in front of grauman's. >> seth: that's fantastic. look at you guys. [ audience aws ] >> i know. >> seth: so where were you -- >> my star is like 20 yards that way. >> seth: that's great. >> right in front of the souvenir store. >> seth:

i won't hide it i am a loudspeaker i am a loudspeaker i am a loudspeaker ? ? what you've done to me well i've seen many believe them well baby you've got another thing coming ? ? you can try to make me stop call it delusion but every time ? ? i don't shut up it's revolution so if i feel real good tonight ? ? i'm gonna put it high and if i feel like crying i won't hide it ? ? i am a loudspeaker i am a loudspeaker i am a loudspeaker ? ? i don't know where i'm not gonna carry it all ? ? i don't know where the shame dies but it's helping me to scream this ? ? is not my fault i don't know where the blame lies ? ? but you better believe i'm not gonna carry it all i don't know where the shame dies ? ? but it's helping me to scream this is not my fault i don't know where ? but you better believe i'm not gonna carry it all i don't know where the shame dies? ? but it's helping me to scream this is not my fault ? ? ? so if i feel real good tonight i'm gonna put it high ? if i feel like crying i won't hide it i am a loudspeaker ? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: fantasti

>> i mean yeah, there's video to prove it. >> stephen: i mean, i get a lot of >> what? you don't remember? it was only a few months ago. >> stephen: mmm-- >> you know, i mean, after the show, you stopped by to tell me how great it was to have me on the show. >> stephen: doesn't sound like me. >> well, i don't think i want to say what that says about a host who can't remember his guests. >> stephen: well, i would like to say, that i say, i would love for you to say what is says, because i think it says >> say it! >> stephen: it says you're uncool. >> this is a vintage sweater. i challenge you to settle this like gentleman! ? ? ? ? ? ? ( shouting ) >> stephen: elijah, hey man, great to finally have you on the show. >> i've been on a couple times, stephen. >> stephen: are you sure, man? >> yeah, remember i was on that one time, and then i was on again and we argued about you not remembering me the first time? >> stephen: no, sorry. >> and then we jousted? >> stephen: uhhhh... no. >> stephen: that's always been there. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert!

i did a lot of listening before i talked. that helped kelso embracee the job felice certainly the best job i will never have it is at the top of my chosen profession and a change my life forever.y i know i would not write to books to have a chance to come here if i was never the lighthouse press secretary. i get that part of their wonderful things that come to your life in we can only ask if you give back after words either through the young people or are we fleisher is still in fall talking about his time he was there online 11 basically haddad breakfast with josh ernest dye said you have so many stories you denied unrealized yet and i encouraged him to write down as he was finishing up and because he will talk about them for the rest of his life people want to hear what it was like to work behind the scenes with president obama. >> host: what about right now with fox news? >> when i started, i really did want to have a presence on television because i wanted to be a part of the conversation my initial career path wanted to

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susana: i am not sure how i feel. i need to know how anna's going to be played into this, because she's a really, really important part of this component. lemonis: she's not gonna get 50% of the business, like she thinks she's entitled to. that's never happening. susana: oh, my god, no. it's gonna be bad. i think this is gonna be a problem with her. lemonis: then she can quit. susana: oh. anna: unlike you, respect means more to me than money, than anything else. you know what i'm saying? i want to see you in my position. susana: i'm already in your position. anna: i don't think so. lemonis: you are not the owner of this business. anna: i didn't say i was the owner. lemonis: and your behavior is unacceptable. mary buys a little lamb. one of millions of orders on this company's servers. accessible by thousands of suppliers and employees globally. but with cyber threats on the rise, mary's data could be under attack. with the help of at&t, and security that senses and mitigates cyber threats, their critical data is safer

i think i hear the doorbell ringing. oh, yes, i do. please let them in. >> guillermo: open the door. >> jimmy: feast your eyes on this. which i'm again going to go to the cow because you should certainly know this one. >> abe lincoln? >> abra-hamburger lincoln. >> jimmy: absolutely correct, well done. thank you, male cow. i guess i was supposed to let him reveal that, all right. sorry, abe. all right. i think i hear the doorbell again. and here it is. open the doors and look at -- oh my goodness. now that's not so e out. do you have any idea to this is? >> i have no clue. >> jimmy: you know? >> it's a jon snow globe. >> jimmy: it is a jon snow globe. winter came and really never left. he's trapped in that bubble. thanks, jon snow globe. guillermo, do you hear rustling outside on our porch? >> guillermo: yeah. ringing the bell, open the doors for them. and we have -- all right, now this one is very topical from this year. you know what it again too? how about you what do you think? >> harley queen of england. >> jimmy: close enough. wha

i can't really act, i can't dance, i can write songs but i can't really sing. a movie actress should sing songs and not write them. wouldn't you say that's true? i mean as a rule -- i mean in this town aren't those the rules? >> what? >> come on, frank, you know the rules. >> seth: please welcome to the show lily collins, everybody. >> seth: i'm so very happy to have you here. >> i'm so happy. finally. >> seth: finally. >> i feel like i've run into you over the past couple years and every time, "it's like please have me on." >> seth: i know, i beg you. i beg you. >> no, it's me begging you. i just haven't had something, i don't know. >> seth: i'm so sorry that i have said no every time. [ laughter ] >> it's horrible. "no i don't like that, come up with something better." >> yeah, like it's not really appropriate for our show. >> seth: yeah -- >> and i'm so glad this is. >> seth: this is so exciting as i feel like any actor involved in this project. this is the first film warren beatty has directed since bulworth and it's a film he has been working on for 30 yea