jon batiste and stay human. give it up for that band sitting right there, right there. ( cheers and applause ) my first guest is the only person to have played a u.s. senator on "saturday night live," and then become one in real life. ( cheers and applause ) please welcome the gentleman from minnesota, senator al franken! ♪ i put my hands up they're playing my song ♪ and the butterflies fly away i'm nodding my head like yeah ♪ i'm moving my hips like yeah i got my hands up ♪ they're playing my song and i know i'm going to be okay ♪ yeah, party in the u.s.a. ( cheers ) >> thank you, thank you. nice welcome. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> great to see you. >> stephen: we first met when you were a comedian. >> yes, yes. i used to do kind of what you do a little bit. >> stephen: comedy, variety. >> yes. and satire. >> stephen: you did the original "indecisions" over at comedy central, '92 and '96. >> wow, yes, it's in the book. it's in my book. ( applause ) now what you're doing here is so important

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, what's goi on, my man?ng hey! please, have a seat. you've earned it! oh, my gosh. welcome "the late show"." welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. that response is like an oasis in the desert at the end of a tough receives a a folder full of positive news about himself twice a day. positive news twice a day? man, he should really share it with the rest of us. the folder is a 20- to 25-page packet of praise-filled news stories, delivered around 9:30 a.m., along with a follow-up around 4:30 p.m. so, once at breakfast, once again after lunch, and if he's still cranky at bedtime, they put up his mobile of breitbart stories. it's just black and white because rods and cones. of course, trump is a hard man to please, which is why the only feedback his staff has gotten on these folders is, "it needs to be more (bleep) positive." ( laughter ) more positive?

tonight stephen welcomes laura dern, leah remini and musical guest trombone shorty, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey! ( laughter ) hey, everybody! thank you very much. welcome to the "late show." ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here. i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) as of friday, donald trump is on a 17-day vacation at his golf club in bedminster, new jersey. he's there to relax after months of grueling golf at mar-a-lago. ( laughter ) but here's the deal. he's working on it. but the president swears he's not taking it easy, tweeting: "working in bedminster, n.j., as long planned construction is being done at the white house. this is not a vacation -- meetings and calls!" ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) meetings and calls! meeting call -- meeting and calls! wow! both of them! trump has to do all that during his vacation? man, i would not want to work for vladimir putin. ( laughter ) top boss! top

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, what's going on, my man? hey! please, have a seat. you've earned it! oh, my gosh. welcome "the late show"." welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. that response is like an oasis in the desert at the end of a tough week. it's friday. ( cheers and applause ) right, that's it. it has been a hum dinger of a week. i don't know about you, but my dinger is still humming. ( laughter ) really give it a whack there. if you're watching this, it means you have good reception in your fallout shelter. ( laughter ) oh, i just want to tell you that tonight's show is brought to you by my new sponsor, sheep and rocks. everything you'll need in the afterscape. rocks can be flaked into simple tools, and used to sheer the sheep, get meat from their bones, which then can be turned into even more complex tools to be traded for potable water, and women. here's the thing--

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now,e livapon te from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, what's going on, my man? hey! please, have a seat. you've earned it! oh, my gosh. welcome "the late show"." welcome to "the late show,"" that response is like an oasis in the desert at the end of a tough week. it's friday. ( cheers and applause ) right, that's it. it has been a hum dinger of a week. i don't know about you, but my dinger is still humming. ( laughter ) really give it a whack there. if you're watching this, it means you have good reception in your fallout shelter. ( laughter ) oh, i just want to tell you that tonight's show is brought to you by my new sponsor, sheep and rocks. everything you'll need in the afterscape. rocks can be flaked into simple tools, and used to sheer the sheep, get meat from their bones, which then can be turned into even more complex tools to be traded for potable water, and women. here's the thing-- i'm a little

jon batiste and stay human. give it up for that band sitting right there, right there. ( cheers and applause ) my first guest is the only person to have played a u.s. senator on "saturday night live," and then become one in real life. ( cheers and applause ) please welcome the gentleman from minnesota, senator al franken! ♪ i put my hands up they're playing my song ♪ and the butterflies fly away i'm nodding my head like yeah ♪ i'm moving my hips like yeah i got my hands up ♪ they're playing my song and i know i'm going to be okay ♪ yeah, party in the u.s.a. ( cheers ) >> thank you, thank you. nice welcome. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> great to see you. >> stephen: we first met when you were a comedian. >> yes, yes. i used to do kind of what you do a little bit. >> stephen: comedy, variety. >> yes. and satire. original "indecisions" over at comedy central, '92 and '96. >> wow, yes, it's in the book

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: wooo! what's going on? hey! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: yeah, it's friday. it's friday. you're very kind. oh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thanks. i'm excited, too. i'm excited, too because ♪ it's friday we deserve it. we deserve this friday in ways we don't often. now, i hope you had a good week. but i know that you haven't because i live here, too. now, of course, for my jewish friends, good shabbos. to jared and ivanka, happy most awkward sabbath dinner ever. "okay, let's go around the table and say something we're thankful for this week. dad, we're going to skip you this time. get you double next time." see-- and i can't believe i have to say this-- the president has been taking heat all week for being an apologist for some people attending a neo-nazi rally. i just want to say, tom arn

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: wooo! what's going on? hey! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: yeah, it's friday. it's friday. you're very oh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thanks. i'm excited, too. i'm excited, too because ♪ it's friday we deserve it. we deserve this friday in ways we don't often. now, i hope you had a good week. but i know that you haven't because i live here, too. now, of course, for my jewish friends, good shabbos. to jared and ivanka, happy most awkward sabbath dinner ever. "okay, let's go around the table and say something we're thankful for this week. dad, we're going to skip you this time. get you double next time." see-- and i can't believe i have to say this-- the president has been taking heat all week for being an apologist for some people attending a neo-nazi if you have those outtakes of trump sayi

tonight, stephen welcomes matthew mcconaughey and vanessa bayer, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: captioning sponsored by cbs hey! how are ya? whoo! ( cheers and applause ) hey! thank you, sir! thank you, ma'am! how's it going? please sit down, everybody! you're too kind! ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show," i'm stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. thank you. i need that love and energy because i come to you tonight a broken man. ( laughter ) because, this afternoon, i was shocked by this breaking nooch: >> the mooch is out. >> anthony scaramucci, gone after just a week and change on the job! >> the mooch is toast! >> stephen: yes, the mooch is toast. the front-stabber has been back-stabbed. ( laughter ) he said he was going to fire everybody, and you got to admit, he delivered. ( laughter ) that's thorough! ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) that is thorough! ( laughter ) the mooch lasted as c

vo: only at jack in the box. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for the band there! thank you! ( cheers and applause ) jon, happy thursday. happy thursday, jon. >> jon: happy thursday. >> stephen: everybody having a happy thursday out there? ( cheers and applause ) good for you. me, too, because my first guest tonight is cbs' chief washington correspondent and the anchor of "face the nation." please welcome john dickerson. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: all right. hey! >> hi. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> it's good to be back. >> stephen: what a sad and strange week this has been, hasn't it? >> yeah. >> stephen: truly unnerving at times. >> destabilizing. i mean, it was destabilizing in charlottesville saturday, then the more we learned on sunday, and now in reaction to the president's remarks, you've had more of that destabilization. >> stephen: let's talk about tuesday. the president's impromptu press conference in the lobby of trump tower was there to talk about infrastructure but it q

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! thanks, everybody. please, sit down. thank you so much. welcome, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for that. thank you for that. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. now i. ( cheers and applause ) i know a lot of people tune into this show on a nightly basis to get their news and information. they count on me to be a straight shooter, okay, with a calm voice. i don't want to be alarmist. we're all going to die. ( laughter ) because u.s. intelligence believes that north korea is now making missile-ready nuclear weapons. my god, dennis rodman, did you do nothing? ( laughter ) but don't worry. the story gets worse because over the weekend, the u.n. security council voted 15-0 to sanction north korea. and in response, north korea warned that they are "ready to teach the u.s. a severe lesson with its nuclear strategic force," adding that

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. please, sit down. thank you so much. welcome, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for that. thank you for that. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. now i. ( cheers and applause ) i know a lot of people tune into this show on a nightly basis to get their news and information. they count on me to be a straight shooter, okay, with a calm voice. i don't want to be alarmist. we're all going to die. ( laughter ) because u.s. intelligence believes that north korea is now making missile-ready nuclear weapons. my god, dennis rodman, did you do nothing? ( laughter ) but don't worry. the story gets worse because over the weekend, the u.n. security council voted 15-0 to sanction north korea. and in response, north korea warned that they are "ready to teach the u.s. a severe lesson with its nuclear strategic force," adding that "other

cascade. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: and now, performing "here come the girls" with jon batiste, ladies and gentlemen, trombone shorty! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ here come the girls! girls, girls, girls-girls ♪ here come the girls! girls, girls, girls-girls) ♪ here come the girls! girls, girls, girls-girls ♪ here come the girls! girls, girls, girls-girls) ♪ looking so good, it's a doggone shame, ♪ that they all couldn't be mine ♪ looking so pretty, it's a doggone pity- ♪ oh! you' lookingo fine! ♪ look out brother! let me get further, ♪ little closer to the one i love! ♪ anything better than the opposite sex, ♪ they must a kep' it up above! here come the girls! ♪ girls, girls, girls-girls here come the girls! ♪ girls, girls, girls-girls i can live without coffee, ♪ i can live without tea! and i'm livid 'bout the ♪ honeybee! i'm not a filet steak, ♪ i can leave or take, but the girls are part of me! ♪ and ohhh water! i don't need no lemonade! ♪ but to live without girls, i can't live without girls, ♪ it's like a man with a hole in his head! ♪ here come the girl

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! how's it going? yeah! hey! thank you very much. thank you very much. hey, everybody! how are you? how are you? ladies and gentlemen, we've got a big show-- we've got a big show for you tonight. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. big day here in the big apple. donald trump has come back to new york, and new yorkers were really happy to see him. >> new york hates you! ( clapping ) new york hates you! >> stephen: now, to be fair, that is a standard new york greeting. you might remember, it took donald trump two days to condemn the white nationalists and the neo-nazis who held that really down in charlottesville. that's why. >> audience: about ooo. >i know the feeling. that's why i sent him this card. ( cheers and applause ) fresh irveg. that's fresh ink. but even though many criticized how long it took, the president knew the right

hello moto. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for the band right there! little stevie, can't go wrong there. jon, i'm super excited tonight. we haven't told you this before but we have arcade fire on the show tonight ( cheers and applause ) an amazing new album. because it's them and this is important to them, it's not something we indulge in often on the show, but tonight's mucal performance is being brought to you through paid sponsorship. we're partnering with the "everything now corporation." ( applause ) so everything now fans out there! i hadn't heard of "everything now," but, apparently, they make energy drinks... and other stuff. they are "america's second fastest-growing multi-platform distributor of all retail content." in other words: "rock and roll!" ( laughter ) you ever heard of "everything iow" ?you heard of the have now. >> stephen: we're looking to the band later. >> jon: yeah, they're gonna kick. >> stephen: but now i'm sure you will hardly even notice their sponsorship. a little bit. okay. ( laughte

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much! hey, what's going on my friends? welcome to the "late show" everybody, i'm your host, stephen colbert. i am feeling blessed tonight, thanks to one man: white house communications director and guy ordering a martini at the bowling alley, anthony scaramucci. the mooch! the mooch! i was worried when sean spicer left, that the communications office of the white house would lose some flavah. little did i know that he was going to be replaced by a guy who serves up very spicy quotes. we played this last night, but i just want seconds. >> what i don't like about washington is, people do not let you know how they feel. they're very nice to your face, and then they take a shiv or a machete and they stab it in your back. i don't like it. i'm a wall street guy, and i'm more of a front stabbing person. >> stephen: yeah,

batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ how are ya! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) thank you, joe! thank you so much! lewis! please have a seat. thanks so much. welcome to the "late show," everybody. i'm your host stephen colbert. ( piano riff ) it's good to be with you. thank you so much for being here. boy, what a terrible weekend. yeah. white supremacists from around the country carrying shields, clubs, body armor, and automatic weaponry descended on charlottesville, virginia to hold the rally was a clear attempt to spark violence, and it did. one of these white supremacists drove a car into a crowd of counter-protesters killing one young woman, heather heyer, and injuring 19 more. in addition, two virginia state troopers, who were monitoring the rally from the air, were killed when their helicopter crashed. our hearts go out to the victims and their families. it is difficult

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! how's it going? yeah! hey! thank you very much. thank you very much. hey, everybody! how are you? how are you? ladies and gentlemen, we've got a big show-- we've got a big show for you tonight. welcome to "the late show"."urt. big day here in the big apple. donald trump has come back to new york, and new yorkers were really happy to see him. >> new york hates you! ( clapping ) new york hates you! >> stephen: now, to be fair, that is a standard new york greeting. you might remember, it took donald trump two days to condemn the white nationalists and the neo-nazis who held that really down in charlottesville. that's why. >> audience: about ooo. >i know the feeling. that's why i sent him this card. fresh irveg. that's fresh ink. but even though many criticized how long it took, the president knew the right thing was to make the statement monday, be clear abo

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey! woo! ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! what's going on! you're too kind. folks-- ( cheers ) welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) i began my day as i often do, by checking donald trump's twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. and today, i really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel, tweeting: what? what won't you allow? socks with sandals? dancing in public? ( laughter ) please tell me it's not alcohol. i needs my drank! ( cheers and applause ) i gotta have it. what could it be! what could it be! it took him 10 minutes to tell us what it was. what could it be. 10 minutes later he told us what he won't allow includes: thank you? ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) he doesn't say it. sorry. ( cheers and applause ) but why the hell would he do this? this isn't ev

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! thanks, everybody. please, sit down. thank you so much. welcome, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for that. thank you for that. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. now i. ( cheers and applause ) i know a lot of people tune into this show on a nightly basis to get their news and information. they count on me to be a calm voice. i don't want to be alarmist. we're all going to die. ( laughter ) because u.s. intelligence believes that north korea is now making missile-ready nuclear weapons. my god, dennis rodman, did you do nothing? ( laughter ) but don't worry. the story gets worse because over the weekend, the u.n. security council voted 15-0 to sanction north korea. and in response, north korea warned that they are "ready to teach the u.s. a severe lesson with its nuclear strategic force," adding that "other countries were not being

go to fiosgigabit.com ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for the band right there! little stevie, can't go wrong there. jon, i'm super excited tonight. we haven't told you this before but we have arcade fire on the show tonight ( cheers and applause ) an amazing new album. because it's them and this is important to them, it's not something we indulge in often on the show, but tonight's musical performance is being brought to you through paid sponsorship. we're partnering with the "everything now corporation." ( applause ) so everything now fans out there! i hadn't heard of "everything now," but, apparently, they make energy drinks... and other stuff. they are "america's second fastest-growing multi-platform distributor of all retail content." in other words: "rock and roll!" ( laughter ) you ever heard of "everything now"? you heard of these people? >> jon: i don't think so, but i have now. >> stephen: we're looking to the band later. >> jon: yeah, they're gonna kick. >> stephen: but now i'm sure you will

jon batiste and stay human. give it up for that band sitting right there, right there. ( cheers and applause ) upon folks, i just want to remind you, jon, and remind everybody out there, please join us tomorrow night because we have the great dave chappelle joining us tomorrow night for two acts. two acts tomorrow night. he's got a residency-- he's doing a residency at radio city-- tonight is his first night at radio city, right? he's doing 16 days in august. go get tickets if there are any left. i don't know. go and get them anyway if they aren't there. i'm also excited about tonight's guest. i have known him for a long time but never in this role. my first guest is the only person to have played a u.s. senator on "saturday night live" and then become one in real life. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) please welcome the gentleman from minnesota, senator al franken! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ they're playing my song moving my hips like yeah ♪ got my hands up they're playing my song ♪ and i know i'm goin

( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for the band there! thank you! ( cheers and applause ) jon, happy thursday. happy thursday, jon. >> jon: happy thursday. >> stephen: everybody having a happy thursday out there? ( cheers and applause ) good for you. me, too, because my first guest tonight is cbs' chief washington correspondent and the anchor of "face the nation." please welcome john dickerson. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: all right. again. >> it's good to be back. >> stephen: what a sad and strange week this has been, hasn't it? >> yeah. >> stephen: truly unnerving at times. >> destabilizing. i mean, it was destabilizing in charlottesville saturday, then the more we learned on sunday, and now in reaction to the president's remarks, you've had more of that destabilization. >> stephen: let's talk about tuesday. the president's impromptu press conference in the lobby of trump tower was there to talk about infrastructure but it quickly fell into talking about equivocating between the res

( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! i love it! that's fantastic! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, jon. please, have a seat, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is the shortest tenured communications director in white house history. please welcome anthony scaramucci. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) anthony, come on out! ( audience booing ) >> i'll pretend those mooches and not boos, stephen. >> stephen: we'll find out later. ( laughter ) thanks for being here. >> great to be here. >> stephen: is it? i took a list of all your comedy writers, my kill list, they're in the back, i wrote them all down. >> stephen: you're comeedcally threatening to kill people who work for me? >> i'm not allowed to joke anymore, i've learned that. ( laughter ) >> stephen: listen, i just want to start -- ( crosstalk ) no, you don't get to stop my show. i stop my show. ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) here's the thing, i want you to know just for the record, this is on recorded right now.

batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) how are ya! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, joe! thank you so much! lewis! please have a seat. thanks so much. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your shows stephen colbert. ( piano riff ) it's good to be with you. thank you so much for being here. boy, what a terrible weekend. yeah. white supremacists from around the country carrying shields, clubs, body armor, and automatic weaponry descended on charlottesville, virginia to hold a rally called, "unite the right." the rally was a clear attempt to spark violence, and it did. one of these white supremacists drove a car into a crowd of counter-protesters killing one young woman, heather heyer, and injuring 20 more. in addition, two virginia state troopers, who were monitoring the rally from the air, were killed when their helicopter crashed. our hearts go out to the victims and their families. it

featuring jon batiste and stay human, and stephen with the late-night special in st. petersburg. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! how are ya? thank you, ladies and gentlemen! ( piano riff ) thanks, everybody! welcome to the "late show," i'm your host he folks, i know it's comedy show but i have some sad news tonight. as of 10:48 p.m. eastern last night, the g.o.p. healthcare bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. i clap when i'm heartbroken, too. you cover the pain. it was always a long shot because the republicans control only all three branches of government. ( laughter ) can't be expected to do everything. the final blow was delivered last night, when utah senator and man failing to get anyone to raise the roof, mike lee, and kansas senator and grey alien who found a can of bronzer, jerry moran, released statements opposing the bill at the exact same time. it was the rare case of simultaneous

batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! thank you so much! have a seat, everybody! you're very kind. thank you so much. well, folks, welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano playing in background ) i'm excited about our first guest, john dickerson from "face the nation," will be here to talk about the news of the week. level-headed, fair. ( applause ) before we begin, i want to send out our thoughts to the people of barcelona, spain, who suffered a horrific attack today. a vehicle drove into a crowd, killing 12 people and injuring dozens more. this is a heart-breaking reminder that evil is real and the united states is not alone in fighting it. and this afternoon, president trump said the right thing, tweeting: "the united states condemns the terror attack in barcelona, spain, and will do whatever is necessary to help. be tough

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! how's it going? yeah! hey! thank you very much. thank you very much. hey, everybody! how are you? how are you? ladies and gentlemen, we've got a big show-- we've got a big show for you welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. big day here in the big apple. donald trump has come back to new york, and new yorkers were really happy to see him. >> new york hates you! ( clapping ) new york hates you! >> stephen: now, to be fair, that is a standard new york greeting. you might remember, it took donald trump two days to condemn the white nationalists and the neo-nazis who held that really down in charlottesville. that's why. >> audience: about ooo. >i know the feeling. that's why i sent him this card. ( cheers and applause ) fres that's fresh ink. but even though many criticized how long it took, the president knew the right thing was to make

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thanks, everybody. whooo. thanks, everybody, please have a seat. now ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show, i'm your host stephen colbert. and i am-- (applause) i got to say, i am really glad my family got here in 1828. because donald trump just pulled up the immigration ladder behind us. today the administration announced a harsh new immigration bill. and i got to say, trump is fulfilling at least one key campaign promise. >> get them out of here! get them out of here! get the hell out of here! >> stephen: all right, now don't say, don't you dare say he's just cruelly targeting undocumented immigrants. >> because the bill wants to reduce legal immigration to the united states by 50%. >> boo! >> stephen: melania, honey, i got some tough news, only 50% of your parents can come it thanksgiving. i say your mom. she's the greatest in shape. really looking g

featuring jon batiste and stay human, and stephen with the late-night special in st. petersburg. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! how are ya? thank you, ladies and gentlemen! ( piano riff ) thanks, everybody! welcome to the "late show," i'm your host stephen colbert. folks, i know it's comedy show but i have some sad news tonight. as of 10:48 p.m. eastern last night, the g.o.p. healthcare bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. i clap when i'm heartbroken, too. you cover the pain. it was always a long shot because the republicans control only all three branches of government. ( laughter ) can't be expected to do everything. the final blow was delivered last night, when utah senator and man failing to get anyone to raise the roof, mike lee, and kansas senator and grey alien who found a can of bronzer, jerry moran, released statements opposing the bill at the exact same time. it was the rare case of simultaneous no-gasm. ( laughter

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: very nice. hey, everybody! how are you? hi, jon, good to see you! ( audience chanting stephen ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! thank you so much! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the "late show." please have a seat. thank you so much, everybody. well, folks, welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is-- it's russia week, and i just want to get out ahead of the story here. i recently met with a lot of russians. i can't remember why. maybe because i was in russia. oh, some of them worked for the government. this week, we'll be showing you one russian field piece. sorry. i meant to say two russian-- my lawyers are telling me five russian field pieces. i didn't think you'd find out. the whole week was supposed to be a secret but someone leaked it to cbs's marketing department. i di

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. whooo. thanks, everybody, please have a seat. now ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show, i'm your host stephen colbert. and i am-- (applause) i got to say, i am really glad my family got here in 1828. because donald trump just pulled up the immigration ladder behind us. today the administration announced a harsh new immigration bill. and i got to say, trump is fulfilling at least one key campaign promise. >> get them out of here! get them out of here! get the hell out of here! >> stephen: all right, now don't say, don't you dare say he's just cruelly targeting undocumented immigrants. >> because the bill wants to reduce legal immigration to the united states by 50%. >> boo! >> stephen: melania, honey, i got some tough news, only 50% of your parents can come it thanksgiving. i say your mom. she's the greatest in shape. really looking go

batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! whoo! hey! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! thank you very much. thank you very much. hey, everybody, how are you? how are you? thank you, please have a seat. you're too nice. you're too nice. well, folks, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i have a lot. yeah, yeah, i have a lot of stuff i want to talk to you about tonight, but first, this. >> breaking news to report. the "wall street journal" is reporting robert mueller, the special counsel investigating russia's interference in the 2016 election, has impaneled a grand jury. he is also investigating possible collusion between russia and the trump campaign and whether the president himself had engaged in obstruction of justice. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's right. grand jury. >> jon: that's big. >> stephen: robert mueller has impane

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephenbe colrt! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much! hey, what's going on my friends? welcome to the "late show" everybody, i'm your host, stephen colbert. i am feeling blessed tonight, thanks to one man: white house communications director and guy ordering a martini at scaramucci. the mooch! the mooch! i was worried when sean spicer left, that the communications office of the white house would lose some flavah. little did i know that he was going to be replaced by a guy who serves up very spicy quotes. we played this last night, but i just want seconds. >> what i don't like about washington is, people do not let you know how they feel. they're very nice to your face, and then they take a shiv or a machete and they stab it in your back. i don't like it. i'm a wall street guy, and i'm more of a front stabbing person. >> stephen: yeah, he would nev

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. wooo! thanks, everybody, please have a seat. now ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "late show," i'm your host stephen colbert. and i am-- ( applause ) i got to say, i am really glad my family got here in 1828. up the immigration ladder behind us. today the administration announced a harsh new immigration bill. and i got to say, trump is fulfilling at least one key campaign promise. >> get them out of here! get them out of here! get the hell out of here! >> stephen: all right, now don't say, don't you dare say he's just cruelly targeting undocumented immigrants, because the bill wants to reduce legal immigration to the united states by 50%. >>audience: boo! >> stephen: "melania, honey, i got some tough news, only 50% of your parents can come it thanksgiving. i say your mom. she's in great physical shape. really looking good."

tonight stephen welcomes james mcavoy, and comedian matteo lane, featuring jon batiste and stay human. and stephen's meeting with real life oligarch mikhail prokhorov. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert. >> stephen: wooo! ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you very much, thank you, comrades! wow. somebody sounds like somebody-- that, this crowd sounds like they have been hitting the pickles and vodka out there. welcome to the "late show," everybody, i'm your host stephen colbert. now if you watch the show-- if you watched the show last night i'm going to say all of you did. you remember you remember last night we were talking about how after seven years of promising over and over again to repeal and replace obamacare the bill died of terminal "they lied to everyone who voted for them." not-- ( cheers and applause ) they did. they lied. now not that big of a surprise that it didn't pass. the bill is less popular than the cereal parts of lucky charms. or as i call them, disappointment between marshmallows. >> jon

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! please, have a seat. you're too kind. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. folks, it's great to be here tonight, great to be here. actually, it's great to be anywhere tonight. because tensions are building between president donald trump and north korean and disappointed volleyball kim jong-un. now, this is the tension i'm talking about. if you've been living under a rock for the past couple of days, i hope it's lined with lead, because this past weekend, the u.n. imposed harsh sanctions on north korea to try to get them to curb their nuclear program. north korea responded by threatening revenge on the u.s., so renowned deal artist, donald trump-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) you heard of this guy. fans. trump fans. donald trump saw their threat of apocalypse and raised them one armageddon. >> north korea best not make any mo

jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. what's up? thank you so much. please, everybody, sit down. lovely. lovely folks. sit down! thank you. lovely. listen, in here, out there, all around the world, welcome, i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) you're very nice. well, for donald trump-- >> audience: boo! >> stephen: you've got to pace temperatures. for donald trump it's been a rough couple of... his entire presidency. the chaos coming out of the white house is just coming at you so fast. it's hard to keep track of it. what happened today. two weeks ago, i had never heard of anthony scaramucci. ( laughter ) now, i've got to make an appointment to have the tattoo lasered off. ( laughter ) never mind where i'm gesturing. never-- never mind. but come with me now into the past. try to remember what we were talking about last month. there's t

tonight stephen welcomes james mcavoy, and comedian matteo lane, featuring jon batiste and stay human. and stephen's meeting with real life oligarch mikhail prokhorov. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert. >> stephen: wooo! ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you very much, thank you, comrades! wow. somebody sounds like somebody-- that, this crowd sounds like they have been hitting the pickles and vodka out there. welcome to the "late show," everybody, i'm your host stephen colbert. now if you watch the show-- if you watched the show last night i'm going to say all of you did. you remember you remember last night we were talking about how after seven years of promising over and over again to repeal and replace obamacare the bill died of terminal "they lied to everyone who voted for them." not-- ( cheers and applause ) they did. they lied. now not that big of a surprise that it didn't pass. the bill is less popular than the cereal parts of lucky charms. or as i call them, disappointment between marshmallows. >> jon: cardboard! >

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey! woo! ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! what's going on! you're too kind. folks-- ( cheers ) welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) i began my day as i often do, by checking donald trump's twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. and today, i really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel, tweeting: what? what won't you allow? socks with sandals? dancing in public? ( laughter ) please tell me it's not alcohol. i needs my drank! ( cheers and applause ) i gotta have it. what could it be! what could it be! it took him 10 minutes to tell us what it was. what could it be. 10 minutes later he told us what he won't allow includes: thank you? ( cheers and applause ) he doesn't say it. sorry. ( cheers and applause ) but

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thanks, everybody. whooo. thanks, everybody, please have a seat. now ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show, i'm your host stephen colbert. and i am-- (applause) i got to say, i am really glad because donald trump just pulled up the immigration ladder behind us. today the administration announced a harsh new immigration bill. and i got to say, trump is fulfilling at least one key campaign promise. >> get them out of here! get them out of here! get the hell out of here! >> stephen: all right, now don't say, don't you dare say he's just cruelly targeting undocumented immigrants. >> because the bill wants to reduce legal immigration to the united states by 50%. >> boo! >> stephen: melania, honey, i got some tough news, only 50% of your parents can come it thanksgiving. i say your mom. she's the greatest in shape. really looking good. now the bill sounds bad

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. wooo! thanks, everybody, please have a seat. now ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "late show," i'm your host stephen colbert. and i am-- ( applause ) i got to say, i am really glad my family got here in 1828. because donald trump just pulled up the immigration ladder behind us. today the administration announced a harsh new immigration bill. and i got to say, trump is fulfilling at least one key campaign promise. >> get them out of here! get them out of here! get the hell out of here! >> stephen: all right, now don't say, don't you dare say he's just cruelly targeting undocumented immigrants, because the bill wants to reduce legal immigration to the united states by 50%. >>audience: boo! >> stephen: "melania, honey, i got some tough news, only 50% of your parents can come it thanksgiving. i say your mom. she's in great physical shape. rea

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: very nice. hey, everybody! how are you? hi, jon, good to see you! ( audience chanting stephen ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! thank you so much! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the "late show." please have a seat. thank you so much, everybody. well, folks, welcome to the "late show." it is-- it's russia week, and i just want to get out ahead of the story here. i recently met with a lot of russians. i can't remember why. maybe because i was in russia. oh, some of them worked for the government. this week, we'll be showing you one russian field piece. sorry. i meant to say two russian-- my lawyers are telling me five russian field pieces. i didn't think you'd find out. the whole week was supposed to be a sec