jimmy. jimmy. jimmy, it's starting get behind yours >> jimmy: no, i can't. >> no, no. it's a go. we're going. >> jimmy: no, i can't go over there. i can't go over there. all right. [ laughter ] >> this i'm used to. i'm used to being around cow poop >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> i'm fine with this. [ laughter ] it's the milking i don't know. but, we'll -- i'll manage. >> jimmy: all right. so the cow - >> i mean, it's loose, too, bud. she's nervous. [ laughter ] new york city! [ laughter ] okay, i'm good i'm good [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i can't do it. >> jim come on, bud >> jimmy: are you going to do it >> last time i was here you made me eat a bunch of weird stuff. >> jimmy: okay >> now you got to stand and milk by poop [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, what's got to go out? are you going to do it >> i'm going to do it. she justropped a deuce we're fine >> jimmy: all right, good. [ laughter ] oh, my god okay oh, my god >> we got this >> jimmy: all right, all right, here we go >> you ready >> jimmy: all right, on your mark >> hold your breath. >> jimmy: i can't even look. on your mark >

jimmy, can you take over for me >> jimmy: uh, sure let me grab a paddle >> tariq: thanks man >> jimmy: yeah cool. wait, tariq -- ♪ [ light laughter ] ♪ party -- ♪ >> coming -- >> i was thinking 12 >> jimmy: 13 ♪ [ light laughter ] la la longest pong ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to "the tonight show." i'm very excited about our guests tonight first let get to some news - [ knock knock >> show time jimmy >> jimmy: okay, be right there ♪ hey higgins, can you take this over i got a longest pong going >> steve: ugh, i was going to eat this ice cream cone but -- i guess. thanks >> jimmy: thank you. ♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ >> steve: from 30 rockefeller plaza here in new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh my goodness, hey! [ cheers and applause hey. please, have a seat. welcome everybody. welcome to "the tonight show." brand spanking new show for you. happy friday everybody [ cheers and applause you guys, it's officially the last weekend of summer [ audience aws ] so if you never got t

♪ >> jimmy: wow. i guess he's not alive ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. formal impeachment, sounding like a fancy dessert you could order in the south i'll have the formal impeachment and the lady will have the chocolate ukraine. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you apple's flagship store reopening after renovations. i hope that turning the store off and back on again fixed the problem. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you for waiting. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you crops at a wedding photo booth. you're right the fanciest cloing i own does look better paired with a viking helmet and a mustache on a stick. [ applause ] get out of here. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, meditation apps that start free then cost money. who knew that charging my credit card $12.99 a month was part of my path to enlightenment i think i feel less stress [ applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, checking the 'fridge over and over to see if i have anything to eat. for making me ask myself, am i really hungry enough to eat that chinese food for a fourth day? [ applause ] it can't be good no way i'll cut off the mold

. >> jimmy: yeah >> i mean, i technically did >> jimmy: right? >> yeah, my beautiful wife jessica. >> jimmy: she's awesome. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: did you meet online or you just played together online >> no, no, no. so we met -- we didn't know one another. but we met through video games i went to a tournament, it was called -- it was in lacrosse, wisconsin. it was one of the worst snowstorms in history. >> jimmy: perfect for video games. >> oh, yeah. perfect for video games. so we get there, i met her i added her on facebook. and we stayed in touch for, you know, four years and then finally we were both single and now we're married. happily. >> jimmy: happily married. absolutely she's the best >> that's her backstage. [ applause ] >> jimmy: happily married. you have this. you're on mixer. you have a book. >> yes >> jimmy: and then in crazier news, you just signed a deal with adidas. >> yes >> jimmy: like - >> right here. time in. >> jimmy: i mean, what's going on >> i can honestly say i recently did a shoot with -- i don't think i can say it y

>> jimmy: "what? >> "what?" >> jimmy: "what? >> "what?" >> jimmy: anyways -- ♪ i found someone i heard -- we have to talk about -- [ laughter ] "abominable. >> "abominable." >> jimmy: "abominable. >> okay, great >> jimmy: you are a voice in that animated film >> which i've never done before - >> jimmy: no >> which is totally scary. 'cause usually when you're acting with a person, you're engaging with them >> jimmy: yeah >> when you do a voice acting thing -- >> jimmy: yeah you're basicallyh with no one. and everyone is always like, "you -- it's so great. you don't have to put on clothes. you can wear your pajamas to work." and i'm just like, "i want to be in a costume. i don't want to" -- you know >> jimmy: yeah, i mean, i like wearing clothes, yeah. >> yeah, what i wear at t -- >> jimmy: when i work. >> is like nothing so - [ laughter ] [ cheers ] well, i'm just saying. i'm just saying. it's not a thing - >> jimmy: you don't wear like a flannel nighty like a - >> no. like a onesie with feet and everything >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. that's

i said it here on jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: you don't have one? >> no. >> jimmy: nike, you better get to work. >> jimmy: method man! and we'll return with music from shaed. ♪ >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by the 2020 g-class. mercedes benz, the best or nothing. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank dr. phil and method man, and fred willard. apologies to matt damon. nightline is next but first this is their album "melt," here with the song "trampoline," shaed! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ i've been havin dreams jumpin' on a trampoline flippin' in the air i never land just ♪ ♪ float there as i'm looking up suddenly the sky erupts flames alight the trees spread to fallin leaves ♪ ♪ now they're right upon me wait if i'm on fire how am i so deep in love when i dream of dying ♪ ♪ i never feel so loved i've been having dreams ahh ah splashin in a summer stream ♪ ♪ ahh ah trip and i fall in i wanted it to happen my body

hi what's your name >> keno. >> jimmy: keno >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow, that's a great name >> yeah. >> jimmy: i've lost a lot of money on you [ laughter ] keno, where are you from >> i'm from brooklyn >> jimmy: all right, cool. i was going to say vegas in our first clip, president trump is going to try and say the word "heritage." how do you think he's going to mispronounce "heritage"? >> her-i-tawge >> jimmy: that's pretty good "her-i-tawge." [ laughter ] that's pretty good let's see what happened. >> and we are reclaiming our noble herrige as a nation. [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: ah [ foghorn herrige, so close. [ applause ] you lost, but here's your losing t-shirt a custom-made herrige, that's for you. [ cheers and applause thank you keno, appreciate it. who else who else wants to play [ cheers and applause get up how you doing? >> good. i'm good >> jimmy: what is your name? >> my name's maya. >> jimmy: maya, very good. maya, where are you from >> i'm from northern virginia. >> jimmy: hey, well thank you for being here, maya maya, our next clip. very simple. trump tries to say the word "lawmakers

oh, that's kimmel [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, it's jimmy kimmel >> i got my jimmys mixed up. >> jimmy: your jimmys messed up yeah, sorry about that yeah, no problem [ laughter ] >> but it -- >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> but i'm sorry -- but a street though. because you're, like, from up there. i know they named a street after you after all of this time, like, in your hometown like - [ laughter ] like - >> jimmy: no, no, they haven't no, no [ laughter ] [ sad trombone ] [ applause ] my hometown -- >> your hometown - >> jimmy: my hometown named the street jimmy kimmel way. [ laughter ] you know what, i did movie which i loved. i did the movie "taxi" with queen latifah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i loved it i had so much fun doing this film it didn't really work, it didn't open. and i knew it wasn't going to work when this happened. i went to my hometown. when i came out, i said, you know what i'm going to do. i'm going to the movie theater that i grew up in. and i'm going to go in and thank the audience and pay for all of the tickets and buy all of their drinks and popcorn. and say, "without you,

[ cheers and applause ♪ [ laughter ] jimmy. jimmy. jimmy, what did you say -- hey, leave jim alone. jim's got his own -- [ talking over each other [ buzzer ] [ ding ] >> jimmy: what do you mean no? >> steve: yeah, no, yeah >> jimmy: toothpaste >> yeah, yes >> steve: what's that underneath - >> jimmy: then he put -- >> i also wrote "toothpaste. [ ding ] ♪ [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: he wrote gravy he was way off >> steve: so you two win so we need what? a taste-off? [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: we don't have one. >> what, i got -- i got -- >> jimmy: we don't have one, right? >> steve: no, we don't have one. >> jimmy: that's - >> what kind of toothpaste was that >> jimmy: oh, let's -- let's just - >> steve: yeah, yeah, yeah >> jimmy: let's play guess that >> steve: what kind of toothpaste >> jimmy: all right, what brand name toothpaste? >> it's the one with the waves >> steve: okay, i'll find out. [ laughter ] >> what's it called? >> jimmy: no, no, no >> do you know what i mean come on, jimmy >> jimmy: i know >> you're writing it down. no, it's not that. it's the one that g

, yeah. >> jimmy: totally. yeah >> nah. >> jimmy: nah-nah as we say. i went drinking with blake, i took him to sushi for the first time what is this sake what rice week. what's ras whine >> after talking about the sushi, let's go to sushi tonight. seriously the night that you guys did that. we went out. it wasn't that night because you guys were wasted that night. [ laughter ] when he came back -- [ cheers and applause yeah, it was really bad. >> jimmy: a little too much ras whine. we started laughing. it was real sake. >> you should have seen -- i think it aired -- whenever it was, we went to a tiny sushi restaurant we walked in, literally the entire room -- everybody had watched it the whole world had watched it i didn't think about it. this 6'5" guy walks in >> jimmy: everybody's sending over ray whine gwen stefani on tomorrow's episode of "the voice. >> i'm going first okay obviously i love you >> she has not danced for anyone. >> this is not his lane, this is my lane. i introduce you to ub-40 - >> my favor

and now, over here, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. a special welcome to those of you who are watching from new york city, where if you're seeing this means the power is still on. you know, there's a big blackout in manhattan over the weekend. the power went out for several hours on saturday night from times square all the way up to 72nd street. it happened right in the middle of a jennifer lopez concert at madison square garden. the lights suddenly went out. and people were -- they had to cancel the show. people were on edge. you know, when this sort of thing happens. there was even an incident at a local bagel shop when the lights went out. >> why is it okay for women to say you're on dating sites, we should be gay? that's okay? >> jimmy: as you can almost see, tempers are running short there. [ laughter ] most broadway shows had to cancel their performances. but the cast of the tony-winning show "hadestown" decided to do a performance outside their theater. ♪

and now, heading this way, jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: hello. that's very nice. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. it's wonderful to have you here. thank you for joining us on a wonderful, on this special night of feet and balls. a new nfl season kicked off tonight. this is the nfl's 100th season, which means everyone who saw the first game is now officially dead, except bernie sanders. he's going great. 100 seasons, which seems like enough, right? i think we get it now. quick question for those of you in our studio audience. how many of you are on vacation right now? [cheers and applause] the reason i ask is because weirdly, it's become unusual, according to a study done by the u.s. travel association, more than half of american workers do not use all their vacation days, which is confusing, because based on what i see on instagram, it seems like all anyone ever does is go on vacation. but they say that last year alone, u.s. workers left almost 800 million days of vacation on the table. they didn't take those days

and now, pace yourself, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for joining us on a night that is -- this is a special night. this is always a magic night for our network. this is the night on which the premiere of a new season of "dancing with the stars" has begun. this is a show that proves the stars really are just like us, and by that i mean they can't meround hannah b., former l.a. laker lamar odom, former nfl star ray lewis. a lot of formers. perhaps most notably former houn spicer is dancing this year. he will be paired up with lindsay arnold. sometimes i feel bad for the dance partners on the show because you know they grow up working and practicing, working hard, dreaming of one day becoming a professional dancer, and then they wind up having to do it with donald trump's dopey press secretary. [ laughter ] you think there's going to be one of their categories -- like they always have an nfl player, they always have an olympic athlete,

>> jimmy: m. night shyamalan. >> he comes on -- >> jimmy: he's part of the cast. >> he's great, he's directing kevin. >> jimmy: that was in the trailer, i didn't spoil it. >> yeah, he has these -- he's a thought provoking kind of guy. very smart, very interesting. >> jimmy: best story ever, he was in my audience. >> i heard about this. because he wanted to see your show. >> jimmy: i'm going through the audience, slng thanks for coming. m. night shyamalan he just pops up. >> do you have that in an available time i thought he was working all the time. >> jimmy: that's how he keeps his brain so quickie i want to show a clip, next week's episode of "this is us," ♪ >> hi, thanks for the opportunity, i really appreciate it, that was fun thanks for being a good sport about all the dead people jokes. >> yeah, that never gets old >> you know when you strip away all the artifice, all the tricks you use to make stuff be appealing and charming and handsome you let all that crap go you're absolutely incredib

] really >> right >> jimmy: wow. >> come on >> jimmy: really >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. should we take the shot or reveal the question? [ crowd shouting ] no, they don't care at all [ crowd shouting ] oh >> oh. >> jimmy: they're rewriting -- they're rewriting the game [ applause ] that's not bad at all. >> that's not bad. >> jimmy: and i got the rest of the show to go >> that wasn't banana. >> jimmy: interview -- no it wasn't the question was, name two celebrities that you'd want to set up with each other >> wouldn't that be the most gorgeous child >> jimmy: brad pitt and rihanna. i think chris evans and brie larson. >> most gorgeous child >> jimmy: captain and captain. >> i don't think that's a bad idea >> jimmy: captain, right captain america, captain marvel, captain captain. >> so good >> jimmy: and marvel's never had an on-screen couple, right have they? this is a first. i'm making history have they? >> it's not a bad idea >> what was the one with the stone in his head? >> jimmy: the one with the stone in his head? [ laughter ] >> i still don't know what they're talk

and now, great news, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. and for gathering here. on another crazy day today, as another episode of the real white house wives of orange president today, as i'll tell you something. the news started early this morning and has not let up. what an onslaught, trying to keep up with all this, i felt like the fattest kid on the dodge ball court all day today. last night i compared the president's behavior to the sopranos. but today it seems more like six feet under, because somebody finally pulled the fire alarm in hell. we now know that what, what did the whistler blow and when did he blow it? the much-anticipated complaint against the president has been unearthed. if this isn't it, nothing will be. it grabs trump by the mcnuggets and doesn't ask for permission. this is what the whistle-blower sent to the attorney general. in the course of my duties, i have received information from multiple u.s. government officials that the president of the

"jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, sean penn, from "unbelievable," danielle macdonald, this week in unnecessary censorship, and music from green day. and now, most certainly, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: welcome, hi, i'm the host of the show. i thank you for watching. i thank you for coming. hello again. [cheers and applause] those of you who watched the debate earlier tonight here on abc and forgot to turn the television off, thank you for joining us. you know, tonight we watched the third democratic debate, this time from houston, texas. it was exciting, you know, watch being the candidate the tackle issues is as close as we get to football. they all tried to stand out and avoid being eliminated under extreme time pressure in a televised event. now let's put 45 seconds on the clock and go. this was a large cast of characters. to help viewer keep track of who was who, abc did something special. ♪ the election is quickly approaching ♪ ♪ and we've got decisions to make ♪ ♪ with so

and now, by the way, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. welcome. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i hope your weekend was good. if not it's gone. i've got to tell you, i hope everyone was able to relax this weekend because the president had a very busy couple of days tweeting. that guy does nothing but work. it really is remarkable. most notably he tweeted about a meeting, a very high-profile secret meeting that ultimately did not take place. on saturday he wrote, "unbeknownst to almost everyone, the major taliban leaders and separately the president of afghanistan were going to secretly meet with me at camp david on sunday." only trump would brag about a meeting he didn't have. [ laughter ] anyway. they were coming to the united states tonight. unfortunately, in order to build false leverage they admitted to an attack in kabul that killed one of our great, great soldiers and 11 other people. i immediately canceled the meeting and called off peace negotiation

>> jimmy: you ready? >> no, i'm not ready >> jimmy: all right, i'll go one -- >> i'm actually nervous. >> jimmy: one, two, three. then you flip. >> okay. one, two, three. >> jimmy: wait, wait, wait just move the first part card over here. over the line. now they do one, two three and flip it over ready? >> together: one, two, three >> jimmy: yeah >> oh! who said flip the card [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my [ cheers ] >> i'm in my happy place ♪ [ cheers ] >> jimthis gd? oh, this is good >> i'm awake >> jimmy: this is great. i already got him. you still have time to switch the deck if you really want. >> okay. i'm ready. >> jimmy: do you want to switch your deck? >> no! i'm, like, now you're going to whip me, aren't you? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: here we go one, two, three, flip. >> yeah! [ cheers ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: are you -- >> that is a three-some. alright. >> jimmy: the same cup all right. now, it's game one now, it's war! >> yes >> together: one, two, three >> jimmy: flip damn it! >> yeah! [ cheers

>> hey, jimmy. >> jimmy: all right, get him out of here. [ light laughter ] and stop saying, "hey, jimmy." you can't talk to me all day >> steve: what's going on? >> hey, jimmy. >> jimmy: all right. [ light laughter ] at least turn his microphone off. the plant -- it's blinking -- >> steve: how did the plant get blinking >> jimmy: he's aing blink plant. hey, guys, if you know one thing about me, it's that i always try to be a positive pierre [ laughter ] >> steve: you always do. that's what i always say about u. >> jimmy: if you know one thing about me, guys, it's that i always try to be a positive pierre, not a negative norbert [ light laughter ] >> steve: it's the fourth track. >> jimmy: wow. i guess there was the rewrite -- >> steve: yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: in between rehearsal and now. >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: that's why whenever i need a pick me up, i go to my main source of spiritual strength can i have that card from the first one? [ laughter ] no, no, yeah, yeah, that's it. yeah i just want to show everyone this yeah, that's it. >> steve: guys, if you know one thing about me, it

jared's head >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. >> jimmy: we actually held jared leto's head. >> yeah. >> jimmy: jared leto arrived with a real -- [ laughter ] that's jared leto's head >> it was kind of heavy, too, no >> jimmy: it was too realistic >> yeah, it was really realistic. >> jimmy: here's a picture of me and you when i first discovered - >> well, no, i think i was, like, sneaking by and i -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i was like, "jared, what is going on?" you're like, "i got to get out of this, man." [ laughter ] like, "what am i doing?" that was a super fun night, though did you have fun >> i had so much fun >> jimmy: i did, too >> i thought it was, like -- it was one of my favorites just 'cause i thought it was so cool to see everyone really go for it with the whole camp theme >> jimmy: yeah, that was loose >> so -- >> jimmy: and i was like - >> yeah. >> jimmy: with everybody - >> yeah. >> jimmy: it was so much fun i loved it well, you look gorgeous there. i want to show everyone a clip here's a look from the episode from this season of "keeping up with the kardashians." take a look at

>> jimmy: no, no >> we have >> jimmy: we haven't talked. no, i talked to alex >> oh, you talked to alex. >> jimmy: i had -- alex came on the show and he told me everything that he -- he was really nervous about it >> yeah. >> jimmy: but he told me his side of the story. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but i wanted to hear your side of the story did he - >> i didn't know anything. >> jimmy: you didn't >> no. i mean, we had talked about it a little bit but i had no idea. >> jimmy: he was freaking out. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and he had the ring. he didn't know what to do. >> he had rehearsals and stuff with his assistant >> jimmy: he did >> and the housekeeper >> jimmy: he googled when the sun was setting. >> yes >> jimmy: so that he knew exactly -- >> he wanted the perfect light he's hilarious >> jimmy: he was so good oh, my gosh. >> he's hilarious. >> did he say anything to tip you off? anything like -- >> you kw, it didn't we walked on -- we were walking. we went on a little beach vacation for a weekend he was like, "we should go away before you start to to

yeah >> jimmy: that's fantastic, dude >> yeah. >> jimmy: you're just crushing it >> thanks. >> jimmy: a lot of people were talking about the episode that you directed i believe it was "ronny/lily"? >> yeah, "ronny/lily" with the little girl, the little karate girl yeah >> jimmy: i mean, this karate girl that was -- >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: just beating you up. >> yeah, the whole episode is this little girl her name is jessie, and she -- we wrote this script where she had to do like all types of crazy things where she had to jump on top of me, and fly on walls, and crawl up houses and stuff. and i was like, "i don't know how we're going to do this." and i remember my stunt coordinator, wade allen, said, you know, i have -- there's this little girl, her parents are stunt women and men. and it's -- it's a family. [ laughter ] it's a whole other story but they said that she's amazing. and he showed me this video of her running along the top of a a roof, and jumping on to the hood of a moving car >> jimmy: and you're like -- >> and i go, "why do you have this on your phone?" [

on jimmy kimmel live dr. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- dr. phil mcgraw. from "wu-tang an american saga", method man. and music from shaed. and now, keep your distance, jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching, thank you for coming. thank you for all the clapping. it's very nice. thanks for joining us on, i don't know if you know this, a very special day here in the united states, today, in case you haven't already been celebrating is beyonce's birthday, 38 years old today. she's one of the very few people in the world who when she blows out her candles doesn't have to make a wish. she's got that fan going all the time. if you're watching the show tonight, which you most certainly are not, happy birthday. [cheers and applause] it is nice to have something to celebrate. because everything else in the world has gone completely nuts. there is a catholic school in nashville, tennessee who has made the educated decision to ban harry potter books from the library. the man w

>> jimmy: that l.a. rivalry. >> what if they're playing an injured houston rockets team and james can't play? or what if they're playing an injured golden state team. >> jimmy: can't you just play along with my game? >> no, no, i cannot. i cannot. there's too many variables, my man. i've got to think through this thing. >> jimmy: thinking is overrated. weary going to take a break. when we come back, kobe has a book. and not only is it good, it feels good, too. it's called "legacy and the queen". we'll be right back with kobe bryant. [ giggling ] ohhhh man. took my hat off. [ "to love somebody" by bee gees playing ] that's crazy! [ crowd cheering ] [ screaming ] let's go mets! ♪ [ cheering ] ♪ no i, i can't feel the heat ♪ yet don't let it catch you ♪ i can't feel the heat find the brands you love from nordstrom. up to 70% off at nordstrom rack. ♪ that's fashion at a fraction. and get easy returns in store. nordstrom rack. what will you find? and we are well past wethe honeymoon phase. oooh lufa

and now, take cover, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hello, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching, thank you for coming. thank you for joining us. it's very nice. here in california where apparently, we are, california i've learned, is the pumpkin spice capital of the united states. according to grub hub. no, it's nothing to be proud of. out of all the many states we have, and i think we're up to 50 now, our state, california, orders the most pumpkin spoic pm stuff of anyplace. california, oregon. i am sure it's a coincidence we have legalized marijuana. i love pumpkin pie, one of my top three favorite pies, but i don't understand all the pumpkin spice. it's in everything, like bedbugs. every year, since starbucks started this, there's a new and hard-to-believe pumpkin spice product. and this year, that product is pumpkin spice spam, which goes on sale monday for a limited time. they're only going to sell it until somebody dies. and then, and the saddest part of it is, i'm going to try it. i'm going to slice into a sweaty block of meat that tastes like a sea

i ate everything, jimmy >> jimmy: you did? >> whatever they was coming down the aisle with, cheeseburgers, peanuts, whatever they had. >> jimmy: chowder. >> chowder, crab legs. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just take everything, yeah >> mussels why they got mussels at a ballpark >> jimmy: but you can smell the grass. >> it was -- like, to see the green monster in person was, like, amazing. >> jimmy: i love that park >> not to be like -- but i loved it it's weird i never told you this. that movie, i'm a fan -- >> jimmy: no, i'm so psyched >> i love the movie "fever pitch," man. like, it's a very beautiful movie to me. >> jimmy: thank you. that was the farrelley brothers, drew barrymore was amazing. >> it was a cool -- like, i don't know if y'all seen - [ cheers and applause i mean, y'all probably seen -- >> jimmy: we're talking about "fever pitch" more than we're talking about your movie >> i know, but it's one of the most heartfelt things. it was the scene with drew barrymore where you all were supposed to go on your first date, and

, jimmy. [ cheers & applause ]. >> jimmy: what's going on? >> coffee shop with shirtless baristas and that's the best you got? >> jimmy: you think you can do better than that >> oh, we know we can probably >> jimmy: you know what it means? it is time for a good old fashion tonight's show "joke off" you a." you all know the rules >> jimmy: go beep, beep, beep >> it is 3 bucks for ra coffee and 50 bucks for them to grind your beans >> you don't want to see how they draw a heart in your foam [ laughter ] >> jimmy: every customer was like i will take one cup of joe-y. >> all the baristas are buff guys, i can't wait to check it out says the health inspector. >> please don't tell scarlett you saw me here. >> jimmy: the wi-fi password is bow wow. >> i don't recommend this place if you have a nut energy [ cheers & applause ]. >> oh! >> jimmy: all right, all right i will give you that one >> here is the next story. several big alcohol companies say they're developing drinkable marijuana. go >> somehow it still gives you t cotton mouth >> all marijuana

, sarah gilbert. >> jimmy: yes, two more. >> ayesha. >> jimmy: correct. and one more. her name starts with an m. >> who is it? who is it? >> jimmy: if i tell you, you didn't know, right? ma- >> oh, marie! >> jimmy: no. marie's on the show now. marissa. >> yes. >> jimmy: marissa. she was on -- >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: that's correct. so i win. >> oh. >> jimmy:issa's going to be thrilled. marie osmond is new. she's with you now. >> yeah, she is. >> jimmy: do they run that by you first? >> yeah, of course. marie had been a guest on the show many times in the past. >> jimmy: right. is she nuts, marie osmond? >> no. >> jimmy: she's not? >> no! she's very, very nice lady. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> got a great family. you know. >> jimmy: well, the osmonds. anybody who grew up in the '70s, the idea that the osmonds and the osbornes have come together to work on anything at all is insane. >> it's insane. >> jimmy: nobody would have believed any of this had you told me this in 1976. >> she is a really lovely lady. she's a very nice person. she doesn't swear. no, seriously

>> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm so embarrassed. >> jimmy: why? >> my phone is ringing. >> jimmy: is it really? shall we answer it? >> it's in the ankle. i'm not answering that. >> jimmy: it's in the ale? >> i brought it out because you know you do this mean tweet thing. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i don't need, like my relatives send me texts before they know that i'm coming on. i got a text from my cousin,ki read it? >> jimmy: yeah, please, sure do. >> i don't need mean tweets. >> jimmy: what is that, the iphone 2? >> it runs on diesel. this one. just read that you're on kimmel tonight. please don't embarrass the family. do something different, like be funny. >> jimmy: which cousin wrote that? >> his name is joey nazarella. >> jimmy: you have a joey nazarella in your family? >> he's my cousin's cousin. twice removed. >> jimmy: back to canada. >> back to canada. we live in the woods, and we have trained a lot of the animals in the woods. >> jimmy: you have? to do what? >> like, when i get home, birds will fly around on my shoulders and take my sweater off

and now, pipe down, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching and thank you for coming, and thank you for joining us on what was a day of a bombshell. you are going to want to sit down for this. you know what, i'm going to wait for the people at home to sit down, too. okay, you know we may have finally cracked the case of the mysterious hurricane sharpie. earlier this week our president incorrectly said that hurricane dorian had the state of alabama in its sights, which was not the case. dorian was not headed toward alabama. and when the media and the alabama weather service pointed that out, our thin-skinned skipper was not pleased. he dug in and insisted he was right, it was headed to alabama. he did it over and over again. and just when the story finally went away, he brought it roaring back to life by showing a map he called the original map. charting the hurricane's path. and you can see the map had clearly been marked with what looked like a black sharpie to include alabama in the storm area

>> her name, weirdly, is jimmy kimm kimmel. >> jimmy: oh, that's very nice. >> yes. >> jimmy: i didn't know that. i'm flattered. >> you shouldn't be, because that's very narcissistic of you. it was my grandmother's name. >> jimmy: oh, that's your grandma's name. well, that's. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: please give her my best. >> my god, you are arrogant! >> jimmy: when did the office go off the air at nbc? >> well, that's an embarrassing question, because i don't know the answer. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> but a bunch of years ago. >> jimmy: some time ago. >> yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: and now, it's become, from what i understand, even more popular than when it was running new episodes on netflix. [cheers and applause] the jump one most, like most minutes watched of any show that they have. >> apparently, yeah. it's totally insane. >> jimmy: do you get any of that money? >> all of it. >> jimmy: good. are people now, like recognizing, kids knowing you from that? >> what's weird about it now is that, you know, it was a hit at the time. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but it was sort of like night time adu

and now, chances are jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome, welcome, welcome. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. welcome to los angeles, california, where the traffic today is even more terrible than the usual terrible because we have a special visitor in town. you know? we're at code orange right now, because president trump is here. it's weird to think that right now the president of the united states is lurking just a few miles away from here in his hyperbaric tanning chamber eating all our popeye's chicken sandwiches, but he is. i saw that trump was coming to l.a. and abc was announce beiin new bachelor, for a moment i got my hopes up that they would be the same guy. trump is at a fundraiser in beverly hills and had a meet and greet in palo alto where tickets went up to $100,000. you get a round table discussion, a photo op and what they billed as premiere seating for lunch. what is premiere seating for lunch with donald trump? you get to join him in his booth at carl's jr.? trump is hoping to raise $1

and now, don't dawdle, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for come being ing tow and for all of the clapping in what is a major news day in the united states. the whistles are blowing in washington as speaker of the house nancy pelosi today announced that the house of representatives will launch a formal impeach monment inquiry the president of the united states. for months now, pelosi has -- it's not going to get rid of him. she's been very reluctant to do this, but once again, donald trump is doing what he does best. forcing a woman to do something she didn't want to do. at least 173 members of the house now back some type of impeachment. i didn't know there were types of impeachment. like, is there diet impeachment? impeachment code red maybe? but trump would be the third president to face impeachment proceedings, and he's already promising that if he does it will be the biggest and most beautiful impeachment in history, that i can tell you. the reason this is happening now, if you don't know, a whistle-b

and now, pace yourself, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for joining us on a night that is -- this is a special night. this is always a magic night for our network. this is the night on which the premiere of a new season of "dancing with the stars" has begun. this is a show that proves the stars really are just like us, and by that i mean they can't dance either. [ laughter ] our dance card this time around includes the former bachelorette hannah b., former l.a. laker lamar odom, former nfl star ray lewis. a lot of formers. perhaps most notably former white house press secretary sean spicer is dancing this year. he will be paired up with lindsay arnold. sometimes i feel bad for the dance partners on the show because you know they grow up working and practicing, working hard, dreaming of one day becoming a professional dancer, and then they wind up having to do it with donald trump's dopey press secretary. [ laughter ] you think there's

. >> jimmy: premieres tonight. >> it was just on. >> jimmy: we're now in the past tense. >> yes. >> jimmy: give us an idea of what the show is b about. it is the name of a coffee brand. >> it's a nickname for the city of portland. our show takes place in the city of portland and i play dex perios. she's a veteran suffering from ptsd, and she hasn't been able to hold down a steady job in ten years, and the idea of a private investigator has lofted her. >> jimmy: and weirdly, your husband's show is on abc right before. >> right before. >> jimmy: your husband is your lead-in. >> he is. >> jimmy: if he does not deliver you the ratings that you require, will you marry nathan fillian for example? someone on this network? >> as long as it's in the abc family. it's a funny position we find ourselves. i never thought this would happen. it's very bizarre. the wonderful thing is we both are living and working in the same city, fwhi thwhich in this industry is a rarity. >> jimmy: is there a scenario where you would beat him up in a hotel sflo hotel room? >> yes, of course. >> jimmy: theis is great. c

and now, prepare yourselves, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everyone. welcome. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for coming. that's very kind. i appreciate it. thank you for joining us on what today -- today you know is the first official day of fall. and here in l.a. leaves don't really fall off trees so kids here are forced to jump into piles of empty vape cartridges. it's very sad. [ laughter ] and not only is the summer over, today also marks the end of emmy season here in los angeles. the emmys were handed out last night. americans were glued to their televisions watching football, not the emmys. watching the rams beat the browns. [ laughter ] this was the lowest-rated emmys ever by a lot. they say if things get any worse they may have to add themselves to the in memoriam reel. [ laughter ] i was at the emmys last night. guillermo and i were there. >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: and for me more than anything the emmys is a xhachan to learn what shows my wife has been secretly watching out me. she's like oh, he's

jimmy! jimmy, it's the same exact thing as we know about this president. and i'm not saying it was wrong. he is accusing biden of the same thing he did, jimmy. jimmy -- asha, you referee this for a second. >> let me just put this out there -- >> just for the record. just for the record. i got to correct the record. we have no proof that there was a quid pro quo with biden. we have no proof of what jimmy just said, which is that, hey, we don't know anything was wrong with the aid. we know the aid was upheld and it was released only after schiff asked for the whistleblower complaint. >> that's correct. and, chris -- >> he was working with the government. >> can i make my argument? >> asha, what is different between what trump did with the president of ukraine and what biden did with ukraine? >> there are many things that are different, and i think you've covered them, chris, but i'm going to make a lawyerly argument to you right now, which is let's stipulate the facts. let's assume that what jimmy is saying is true and i don't think they are true. here's the

jimmy. >> and now all of a sudden -- >> jimmy, when i speak, you stop. listen, jimmy. what is the indication that there was a quid pro quo with biden? >> well, we've heard publicly him say that he was going to hold up foreign aid for the united states government in coalition with the u.n. and other -- >> but that's more than we know about the president, jimmy it's this same exact thing as we know about this president. i'm not saying it was wrong. >> no, no, no -- >> he is accusing biden of the same thing he did, jimmy. asha, you referee this for a second. >> yeah. let me just -- >> hold on one second. just for the record, i got to correct the record. we have no proof that there was a quid pro quo with biden. we have no proof of what jimmy just said, which is that, hey, we don't know anything was wrong with the aid. we know the aid was upheld. we know that it was released only after schiff -- the whistleblower complaint. about withholding aid. >> chris, can i make my argument? >> asha, what is different between what trump did with the president of ukraine and what biden

. >> jimmy: oh, my god. i have tears in my eyes, i'm not even joerking. >> two hands, i've got you. >> jimmy: it took some serious coaxing to get me to take that first step. >> the next step is the leap of faith. >> jimmy: the virtual reality battles with the part of your brain that knows you're only an inch off the ground but also believes you're 80 storeys in the air. there's the helicopter, oh, god. each step is a fight to maintain your balance. this is crazy. and then there's the air, a little fan simulates the wind. that makes it so much harder. then at the end of the plank, a step of faith. it's just one inch in real life, but so much more in virtual reality. this the ground? >> a little bit more. reach your foot out. you've got it. >> jimmy: i know, what's happening? >> there you go, there's the ground. >> jimmy: i'm standing there safe and sound, but i feel like i'm falling. oh. that is crazy. oh, my god! >> you did it. >> jimmy: that is sorazy! wow, guys, i don't even have words. back in central par

and now, don't dawdle, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for come being ing tow and for all of the clapping in what is a major news day in the united states. the whistles are blowing in washington as speaker of the house nancy pelosi today announced that the house of representatives will launch a

. >> first, what's coming up on jimmy kimmel live. >> jimmy? >> we are totally on fleet tomorrow. what's your faift song? >> i like the new songs. i like -- you think i don't know. >> well, yeah. >> we all do right now. >> . >>> let's upset that breaking news on the bay bridge. a chevy van caught fire. witnesses caught video of the fire. the fire is out but four lanes are still closed. only one lane on the right side is open. traffic is inching along there. there's a huge backup. take a look now live with the congestion extending well into san francisco. traffic. it's a mess, going to be a mess for a while longer. >> new developments for approval of a pill that treats allergies. here's more. >> any reaction? >> no. >> no. looking good. >> all good right? >> this is a two-year-old who just ate a peanut, something her parents were afraid for her to touch. >> the swelling is on her face down her neck. >> right now there is not an fda approved allergy treatment. just got a big recommendation for approval. >> they become not allergic to the peanut over time. >> while waiting for approv

. >> first a look at what's coming up on "jimmy kimmel live." >> jimmy? >> oh, i grab them by their breasts. >> what do you so that early retirement we planned. it's going ok? great. now i'm spending more time with the kids. i'm introducing them to crab. crab!? they love it. so, you mentioned that that money we set aside. yeah. the kids and i want to build our own crab shack. ♪ ♪ ahhh, you're finally building that outdoor kitchen. yup - with room for the whole gang. ♪ ♪ see how investing with a j.p. morgan advisor can help you. visit your local chase branch. . >>> yo, this is not happening right now. what? >> well, it is hang. shoppers at a suburban chicago mall ran for safety at a driver at the wheel of that suv plowed through the door and kept driving inside. the dangerous scene unfolded at the woodfield mall. several people suffered minor injuries with you the driver fleerl plowed into a group of children. the driver was identified as a 22-year-old man who lived nearby. >> i started let people know get out the way. there was a car coming. every

jimmy. >> thanks, dan and ama. we are totally on fleek tonight. what happens' your famous jonas brothers song? >> i like the new songs. i like -- um -- [ laughter ] >> you think i don't know. >> awhile, yeah. we all do right now. [ laughter ] find the brands you love from nordstrom. up to 70% off at nordstrom rack. ♪ that's fashion at a fraction. ♪ shop anytime at nordstromrack.com and get easy returns in store. nordstrom rack. what will you find? ...6, 7, 8 ♪ ♪ ♪ big dreams start with small steps... ...but dedication can get you there. so just start small... start saving. easily set, track and control your goals right from the chase mobile® app. ♪ ♪ chase. make more of what's yours®. >>> tonight where now hearing directly for the first time from the woman who was sexually assaulted by former stanford swimmer brock turner, chanel miller is no longer anonymous. >> she spoke out during an interview with "60 minutes." she is also sharing her story in a memoir, entitled, know my name. it comes out septe

and now, pipe down, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching and thank you for coming, and thank you for joining us on what was a day of a bombshell. you are going to want to sit down for this. you know what, i'm going to wait for the people at home to sit down, too. okay, you know we may have finally cracked the case of the mysterious hurca

jimmy played keyboards. and we just wanted to be part of the songs. it came to a point that we thought, geez, maybe we -- maybe it's not going to be a horn band anymore. >> my records were good. i mean, i was like hitting my stride as a writer and as a producer and as a player. and i begged them, i said guys, this is a hit, i promise you this is a hit record. you've got to cut this song. no, we're not interested. we don't want to. we didn't write it, we don't want to do it. to appease them i used all three of them to at least get them interested in doing the demo. ♪ i guess i thought you'd be here forever ♪ i think i gave them a lot of success but i think i softened their sound past the point of record i should have. ♪ don't know what you've got until it's gone ♪ >> the difference was much different. one thing you don't want to do is try to keep somebody in the band that doesn't want to be there. ♪ ♪ you were lucky to have me ♪ doing you a favor ♪ but then you were gone ♪ and it all was wrong ♪ how much i care >> when peter left, i

who hast is jimmy lai, kindly open the doors of his home in kowloon. thank you, jimmy. why did carrie lam's gesture of finally withdrawing the bill not pattison -- not pacify the voters -- not pacify the protesters? jimmy: because so much damage has been done over the weeks. and every time we demonstrate, we realize what the government intention is, it is to sequentially take away our rule of law. governmente local intention, or beijing intention? carrie lam has become a puppet. i don't think she is making any decisions. because is why, beijing, they see through the whole thing through a prism of their own value, their dictator way of controlling everything, that they won't understand what our aspiration is. and they don't care. we are just an abstraction for them. >> why would they do that? they get control of 50 years of it, and it will lapse anyway and 24/7. jimmy: 2047 is 25 years away. they can't wait. they want what we have. us as subservient to them, totally. >> could we have avoided the mayhem of the last two or three months of carrie lam have it -- carrie lam h

and now, if you don't mind, jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: hi, welcome. audience, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching it. thank you for coming. and thank you for joining us for this on another nutso day here in the united states, when ukraines it pours. i don't know about you, but i am soakin' wet right now. so here's what's goin' on. one day after the

and now, prepare yourselves, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everyone. welcome. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for coming. that's very kind. i appreciate it. thank you for joining us on what today -- today you know is the first official day of fall. and here in l.a. leaves don't really fall off trees so kids here are forced to jump into piles of empty vape cartridges. it's very sad. [ laughter ] and not only is the summer over, today also marks the end of ey