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Understanding 9/11The five love languages chapman love
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- Publication date
- 2022-06-07
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- Chapman, love, people, the five love languages, unitarian universalist, sermon
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- https://divining.app
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- English
The five love languages chapman love: He created the concept of the five love languages over 25 years ago so how many people have read this book the five love languages.
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- 2022-06-08 02:09:04
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- Good morning and welcome my name is renee tashard i pronounce are she her hers. I am the prairie fire newsletter editor. And i am on the program committee and the design committee. And a search committee and i think the communication. I got a lot of committees. Hi. first be both an open-hearted and open-minded congregation. We welcome people of every ethnic and religious background whatever your color sexual orientation family structure. Age or abilities. Later in the service we want visitors guests and returning friends to introduce yourselves so that we might get to know you better. On sunday mornings we provide a wide variety of services. They're either prevented by a prairie member like today or a member of the wider community also congrats to everyone who brave the snow that's still following. I label you as true wisconsinites. Snow is no barrier. Opening words today are to love life by daniel chesney cantor and bar park will be. To love life. Is to notice the wonders that abound. It's a notice the wonders that abound is to be grounded. Here and now. And to be grounded here and now. It's the beginning of finding love. For this life today. Lettuce ground ourselves in this instance. In the worship of all things good. And right. Let me have the chalice lady it's lettuce look first through responsive love and it's by maureen. Killoran and. It is dawn. Your man's coming to read it. In these hard times. Let us look first to the response of love. In the midst of challenge. Marcello's. Playing bear witness to the inherent worth and dignity of every human being. In the midst of uncertainty. May our challenge be a beacon to the encouragement. That our values make guide our choices. Let us look first to the response of 11. Alright so. Time for our presentation. Five love languages presented by robin and myself. Robin proud has been auu for over 40 years. She speaks regular bleach unitarian groups on subjects from literate church wounds history. And we've had many. The awesome. Service robin. And i. Send a bachelor of science in elementary education from uw-madison. And a library a master of library information science from. University of washington seattle i went to to uw-stout on purpose not sure how that happened. I worked pre-k through 12th grade public schools as a school librarian. And robbins going to start out our presentation and then i'm going to kind of interject. Because i read the the children's one and the single. Security. Typical scene in a marriage counselors office. So there is a. Couple say john and jane are unhappy and unsure if they can stay in their marriage. And james says. And the husband says well how could you think that i work all day i come home take care of everything and what i try to get close to her she pulls away. Well not only are these two people talking about different things. They aren't. Even really understanding each other's complaints. Gary chapman as a christian minister in marriage counselor. He created the concept of the five love languages over 25 years ago so how many people have read this book the five love languages. A few. He doesn't close some christian references in his books. But that's not necessary to understanding. His main approach and actually. This is not unique this kind of analysis exists all over the place has anybody ever had that myers-briggs personality test. Oh yeah. Muhammad ali. Or you might have taken some kind of assessment at work there's one called adiska disc model there's one where you have different colors red or yellow. And all of these are designed to categorize people's communication style or leadership style learning style. And the point is not to label people or limit. But it's to make us more aware of our own tendencies. And those of our family members or coworkers. So we can work together better. It might be helpful if you're on a committee with someone to know something about that. And helped us appreciate those who are different from us. On a work team i'd be happy to be the one that gets up and gives a presentation to management. But i also need my colleague who's very detail-oriented to make sure we have all the statistics right. Anyone who has been in sales nose. For some customers all they need to know is that the car is red and goes fast. And other customers want the consumer reports rating of reliability and mileage. If you try to present the wrong information to that customer you're just wasting your time. Or another book title but i'm not crazy i'm just not you. So the original book. The five love languages how to express heartfelt communication to your mate was published in 1992. There have been update there are number of options for instance dealing with children. Which rene is going to talk about some of these. And yesterday i received a magazine from toastmasters which i belong to it and they had an article i guess because of february about the five love languages and how you can use that in your toastmasters group so it's something that's out there. Let's look at the overall structure of the book. So. Most relationships. Start. With. The in love experience. Scientists have called this. Limerence exit it's actually something different from love it's a kind of infatuation intoxication obsession. The brain activity is similar to the effects of some drugs. Under the influence we often think that the other person is perfect and life will be a dream come true. Especially if we're quite young and we've taken most of our ideas for books and movies and popular songs. This state doesn't last. There's a reason so many fairy tales and romantic comedies end with a kiss or the proposal where the wedding. Or maybe just a tragic ending they both died so that you don't have to deal with the rest of life to take out the trash. Or when prince charming thinks that cinderella spent too much on shoes. So those are very stereotype examples but you get the point. And just a general comment we all appreciate all of the five languages. It's not that we don't have all these needs. But generally one or two of them will be most important for each of us. To really feel loved. Chapman talks about how we each have a love tank. And the contributions of others. Help us keep that tank full. Make it easier for us to reciprocate. In loving them. The first language. Is words of affirmation. These are verbal compliments on our partners activities qualities appearance cheeseman's. Just reminders that we love them. It's easy to take our partners or our children's good actions for granted and only speak up when we think something is wrong. Now some people grow up without a lot of affirming words. Some cultures are known for being stoic or limiting praise so we have this the famous scandinavians or the tiger mother who feels like too much praise would spoil the child. Of course the words of affirmation need to be sincere. Anime chick practice. Dr. chapman encourage his couples to write down list of things they admire and appreciate. About each other. And words of affirmation could be written a note left for a spouse or text could make someone's day. When we have a request. We can phrase it honestly and positively we could phrase it with an affirmation. Of the other person. A pitfall of his language is manipulation. In a way you could say that about all the way in which has the point of this book is not to give you ways to get your partner to do what you want. It's just like the first song that we had. You begin by giving love away. It's to show you how to give your partner the love that you really do feel for them. Or your friend your child and so on. Supper words of affirmation it's not about pressuring your partner for instance i'm encouraging myself to lose weight. Windows phone has never expressed any intention. Certainly there are many ways to support a spouse in something that they do want to achieve. And sincere and firming words are a large contribution. Renee has something. If i just have like a slide after each one that's kind of i read the child edition 14 children and then. Affection love is expressing the appreciation for the very being of a child of being of the person. I got it's not meant to be manipulative as robin side. Praise we think appraisal lot with kids but praise comes into play it. Everyone really. Chapman says make it true and specific so instead of saying good job. Good job on. Spending time building your block structure something little bit more specific than just a good job. Encouragement. To still courage give courage to attempt more i saw how you did act. So you're just like saying that you noticed something that they're trying. You don't have to judge everything that a person or a child does he can just say i know is that you did that and then listen to what they say back. And then i love you not conditional statement again it's not like i love you will you do x for me it's not manipulation and then something has to quickly apologized for any harsh critic or negative statements especially with younger people i meet with everyone really but you know everyone smiling might say something that we regret and it's really important to apologize. I'm saying i'm sorry doesn't really take it away but at least it. Make a little bit better and then one example that they had four kids which my phone mounted and i really liked was a note and you like a lunch box. And i just something not always like for a specific reason it was just. Sometimes like have a great day and sometimes it was like a birthday note or something but i just thought that was a relief. Nice one children. Okay the second love language is quality time. It's the first example the woman was complaining that her husband was always busy. Quality time really varies from couple to couple. Depending with the form to you some people go dancing right. For some people watching tv together could be a way to avoid each other but other people might be sharing experience and discussing what they saw. This is another example where couples are encouraged to make lists. Maybe there are some activities that one partner doesn't like her can't. Physically do. Some people thrive on group activities and can't wait to go out. With friends after work. Maybe the partner really needs quiet time to recharge. So we could be creative. People really are busy but maybe you could schedule something meet your spouse for a short lunch even if it's just for fast food. Set up ahead of time a date night or a. Time to spend time with a friend child or so on. A pitfall of this language is feeling pressure to be together constantly. It is healthy for each person to have interest in friends outside the relationship. One person might feel they're being dragged to something they don't like on the other hand they may learn about something. That they enjoy i would never following enjoy baseball that weren't for my husband. I want me to pick up mention here that love languages can change over time especially if they're based on assumptions from our childhood. When i was young my family lived on a farm. My parents never went anywhere that you've been there was nowhere to go we spent time at home so i thought that was normal. Dan's parents. We're very involved he lives in the suburbs and they were on the church for the park board to school board and many other activities. When we got married i used to complain that damn was gone too much. Vinny playlot sports. Off and i would go along to his games just because i had nothing else to do. But over time i started to get my own life. I went back to school i got jobs i join groups of my own. Our kids grow up so i wasn't so desperate for him to come home and take them off my hands. And now he's last couple decades he does travel a lot and i usually just say bye have a good time enjoy having that house in my time to myself. So over time some of these things may change what's important to you. Surely that would make sense with children. So quality time is also getting to know a child or person better is not just like the time you spend with them. And i had a bunch of example get a bunch of examples and these are ones that i'm sure lots of us can think of including kids and chores and errands trying to be a part of it and i was like sometimes that's easier said than done. Take her child child to a toy store just to look at the toys but not purchase anything. Scheduling one-on-one time is really important so things like that jason i do is. Why did the other prisoner break but also to have some one-on-one time is like on the weekend. I'll take saturday morning i'll take coraline the folder 12 like an indoor play place. And then jason's at home audrey he'll take coraline. I'm grocery shopping well audrey nelson the afternoon and then i get to do what i want so it's. She gets one-on-one time with each of us alone which i think is important but then also we get a break which is important as well. Alright the third love languages receiving gifts. This one is low on my priorities. Remember a co-worker being really upset because one of her four children didn't send a mother's day card. I really felt like she was speaking another language but obviously this really meant something to her. Now doesn't mean i don't enjoy getting a gift. But i can't i think it's a reflection of how i grew up my parents were really not interested in mother's day father's day their own birthdays or any material things. But for some people it's not that there. Materialistic but certain things have a real importance to them if they got that from someone they love or inherited it from a family member. They represent something. I just did i have to be a labrador expensive. It could be bringing home a single flower. It could be. Making a little paper sculpture. If your if you have a spouse with this love language and it's not natural to you you could make a list of small things to do to please your partner. Often a clue to the partner's love language is what they do all the time. So my sister-in-law and i'd only tracks everyone's birthday. An anniversary and gives thoughtful gifts and sends cards but she presents them beautifully it's always wonderfully done with sam basket ribbons everything coordinated. So what's a person who doesn't think of that sort of thing naturally i try to make an effort to remember her birthday with a present. A pitfall of this language is substituting money for love. The spousal tries to buy someone's affections is probably doomed to fail. And we need to at least try to give a gift at the other person will actually want so that's his typical sitcom thing where the. Husband give the wife of vacuum cleaner as a birthday present when she really wanted jewelry. Another hand i would much prefer the vacuum cleaner. So it shows that you know your spouse if you give a gift that. It's something that they will really enjoy. Languages for kids especially. This was one that actually came from those singles edition was the level of gift-giving can have a mismatch so like for example if you're dating someone and you give them like a really big expensive present the other person doesn't feel like they're at. Level of a relationship. Make someone really uncomfortable so you have to really think about what level and again talking communication to important relationship. To make sure you're at like a similar thinking level. Chapman suggested other than like birthday is amazing winter holidays choosing some guests together which i thought is kind of nice and that's a nice way to know that you're going to get something that's the other person likes especially with kids kind of hard sometimes to know what exactly they want. Who's my daughter. I asked her for christmas list this year in. I asked a couple times and each time i asked it was like totally different objects so we just. Made our best guess on that one. And then i thought this was kind of nice is finding a special place in your house or in like their room if it's for a child or grandchild and. Haven't talked about. For those who have receiving gifts as a love language y'all when we can kind of clue in on this as if you noticed but they do probably like display guess and they like. Will show people yes i'm in the room or in their house so that can also be a clue at this is someone's. Fort worth language. Is ex of service. This is the one where in spouses what do you mean i don't love my partner looking all the things i do around the house. Is a partner's love language is words of affirmation. Or receiving gifts or quality time. They may appreciate their spouses work but it doesn't particularly make them feel loved. I know. i am all over this one. Never mind the flowers they're just going to die anyway. Fix the leaking faucet or take the snow off my car i'm thrilled. I love it when someone does things that make my life easier. Suisun area where stereotypes continue to play a role many people grew up with a father. Rarely enter the kitchen or mother who never mowed the lawn. We bring these expectations to our new partnership. Without even discussing them. And then we were done our partner for not doing what our parents did. Why aren't you baking like my mother. And this is why studies have showed that same-sex couples have fewer arguments about household chores. Been heterosexual couples they don't start from an automatic default. They have to discuss who's going to do what based on preference availability other factors. Phoenix down loves to wash dishes so he's a good catch for somebody. A pitfall of this language is assuming you know what will be a service to your partner. Now you probably do know many things do appreciate but it never hurts to ask or make a list are they may have been hinting ornegi about something. And. Where i think about this is these days there are a lot of. Services available to do things for you for instance for groceries you can either order ahead and pick them up or you can have them delivered. I like going to the grocery store i like to see things that touch them and try samples. And no one has ever come up with a service i want which is to take my car take to the gas station and fill it up with gas check the oil because there's no aesthetic component to the gas station. So just knowing what your partner would like. It's always helpful. Acts of service are physically attending physically emotionally demanding so we also must pay attention to our own house. And loving service is a gift on freely again not trying to manipulate like i'll do this for you can just for me type thing. One thing that chapman talked about in one of the additions was asking because again you might think you're being helpful by cleaning up but some people actually will. Finance something like why did you do that i can do that myself. I think so. Would it be helpful if i did act can be useful this was. Contacted like a roommate situation but i think you can also work out their contacts as well. Africans being a role model for doing acts of service when we think of. Like social justice type things. Yourself you can be a role model. An example specifically for kids with like you know how practicing throwing and catching witch. Serving others and i put the bike in there cuz he also mentioned like fixing to be like fixing a bike fixing something that's broken for a child with like a piker getting something ready can be an act of service this is not have to be some really huge grandiose. Small thing. And. Fifth language is physical touch. Satanic human need. In the early stages of love there's usually plenty of touch. Even for those people who don't consider themselves huggers or touchers. Historically reason to get married was to be able to have physical contact sanctioned by society. Physical touch runs whole gamut. Many of the couples massage after chapman had reduced physical contact and they assume that's just what happens over time. But often this reduced contact stem from resentment. Over not having their love. Needs fulfilled such as hearing affirmations or feeling their partner's attention. And just like the. Hedgehogs. Or that sheep some people are more physical than others. It might be due to how your raise your personality experiences you had. Again he recommends practice. Midas my partner. Once physical contact and i feel like well i'm just not a. Huggy person he says you could practice. The pitfall of this language especially when we're talking about people who are not in a permanent relationship is a whole world of consent. When dating or put even in a committed relationship. It is important. For partners to communicate what they want and don't want and have that honor. Yeah and i can sense. The book for children was written in 2012 and then the one for the pringles with 2017 and i actually did see quite a difference between them. There was pretty much no mention about consent in the children one which i really didn't like i thought there should be some discussion on that but then in the singles one there was a little bit of like. Inappropriate touching like abused so there was some more dedicated to that but this was an area i have was that i would have wanted to be a bit more. So. Figure out a primary language for children under five according to chapman. And. Do you have a primary one but the other four are also important and at the primary one can change like through childhood and i actually think it can change also after childhood as well depending on your situation and unconditional love. So these are the languages and so they're a couple questions that people have will what if your partner's love language doesn't come naturally to you. Dr. chapman says so. He said my wife's love language is acts of service. What are the things i do for her regularly as an active love is to vacuum the floors. You think that vacuuming florist comes naturally to me. My mother used to make me vacuum all through junior high and high school i couldn't go play ball on saturday until i finished vacuuming the entire house. In those days i said to myself. When i get out of here one thing i'm not going to do i am not going to vacuum houses i'll get myself a wife to do that. But he says i vacuum our house now and there's only one reason love. You couldn't pay me enough to vacuum a house but i do it for love. And next question what if my partner isn't being lovable. Do i have to be 21 to do all the work. Well jesse chapman addresses this with a passage from the new testament. But. Secular counselors and self-help books basically say the same thing the only person whose behavior you can change is your own. Chapman's clients regularly found that when they took on showing love to their partner without expectation of immediate response. Surprising results dedecker from their partner. So we can't go into an order to make the other person feel or do anyting. It really is like that song you have to give it away. Enchantment states love is a choice and there might be relationships where it is necessary to end the relationship but so many of the couples that he mentioned really wanted to be together they wanted back what they had. When they first met. No one should stay in a relationship that's unsafe or unhealthy. Another question is how to know if you're giving your partner what they need. Well you could actually ask. So at the end of the book is it talks about her like a job. Review. Tell your spouse you've been thinking about your marriage and have decided you'd like to do a better job of meeting his or her needs. Their suggestions will be a clue as to the primary love language. Or if they don't make suggestions you could get the love language based on the things. That they've complained about over the years. Then for 6 months he says focus your attention on that love language so there's no instant gratification. And at the end of each month ask your spouse for feedback on how you're doing and for further suggestions. You also could begin to start asking. In a positive way for the things that you need. This book is quite a fast and easy reader many copies in the library. If you like you can skip over the references to christian teachings is really the information stands. On its own and i would say just like with any self-help or self-development book i recommend. You use what works for you. And don't worry about the rest. If nothing else you could have an interesting conversation with your partner and there is a quiz in here you can take. 4. Determining your. Love language if you are not sure. And you're something else.. Find any of my people to see how these could also apply with siblings. How could this sibling be so different from me. Or. Work people at work. Definitely. You may not think of it at the love relationship but it's a relationship where you need to support each other. And being able to give people what they need. Could make a big difference so do we have some comments questions. Well yes we do have a lot of tendencies and sometimes our tendency under stress is different from our tendency when we're not under stress. But we do tend to have default that are the most likely. To apply in certain situations. Yeah i was reminded of another somewhat related thing at work we actually. Our managers asked us how we want to be recognized and i would love to go up in front of the group and everybody applauded and some people that would be a punishment to them they just want to have it may be an email that says good job you did this really well and they do not want to be singled out in any fashion. It's all in the same that could really apply with children. The things that one really thrives on another one. Coors. That's actually one of the stories in. Actually that. Channel manuel's. To practice. Supposed to end his phone call with his parents who never said i love you to say i love you at the end and the first couple times it was just like silence was interesting later in a conversation. But you did it over like months like. Continue just to say i love you at the end of the. Phone conversations and then. At the end of several months the dad said. I love you too back and for the. Very meaningful to actually have. Heard it like he knew that it was there but so that was another one that you can't like change other people but if you. Continue giving things out sometimes you can get something back in return so yeah that was actually up in the that was in the buck maybe it was. In the termite you could also be generous with our partner is trying to. Give love. Stan's dad. Forever if you did was 60 years old and his dad would say enough gas to get back so you know dude did you check your oil and every so annoyed at me driving for so many years and is easier for me cuz it wasn't my dad but. That's your dad's way of expressing his love for you he's concerned about you. Thank you everyone for your comments. Closing words before we go and kate is going to come back up. Having let go. Set our intentions. Named our curiosity. Committed our energies and given ourselves over to live the balance. Purpose and meaning. Let us begin again. In love. Thank you all for coming please extend a hand of friendship to those around you and greet your neighbor if you can join us for coffee and conversation afterwards thank you all for coming.
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